My life with the start because I said so

"Because I said so" my mom shouted as her fury grows like raging fire and her eyes grow three shades darker. I held back my tears as it tickles my throat and I stare at her feeling so hopeless. Again I head back upstairs to do homework. I don't think she understands, I know she doesn't understand. I have no motivation to do any work, I feel so stuck, like the saying " too tired to stay but too scared to go". Everyday is a loop repeating over and over. Wake up as you stare in the mirror disgusted by what you've became, on the mirror seeps in smudge red that forms into words, obese, dumb, ugly. I stare and thought of her. No not heather, that's unrealistic standards. But her. I wish I was her, as her face paints a image in my head. I wish it so much as anger replacing the sadness fills in me. I grabbed the razor and slashed it against my skin, as my delicate skin started to split and blood gushes out. I smile enjoying the pain, I smile as tears start forming into fountains. As the tears dripped down my face. I breakdown and crash onto the ground sobbing into my hands as blood covers my wrist and tears cover my hands. " Come downstairs and eat breakfast" my dad yells in an annoyed tone. It's 7:40, I stare and stare at myself unable to look away, as if I were a monster. I knew I was. I quickly splashed my face with water until I looked normal and dried my tears and headed down for school. School is the base of the monster, for me at least. It's not all about the homework that stresses me, I do care what people think about me, too much. I need them to laugh at what I say, I need them to pay attention, I crave for all of that. You may wonder why, and to be truthful I have no idea either. I hate myself for it, it's reminds me of Tourettes. I can't help it, it hurts a lot . Sticking to realistic reality on the other hand I know I won't ever be able to be her, and I get dizzy from thinking about it. I feel like dropping into nothing, black all around as I sink deeper and deeper into what's called death. I'm a nobody. I wonder why can't I be better, " because I said so". I hear something in me that speaks it, it controls me as it grows everyday inside me. Bigger and bigger until eventually I can't take it anymore. On the bus, she's sitting right there. I stare a her wondering how she aces everything. I admire her look, way of talking, how she can pull any friend or guy. I start sweating, my shirt sticks to the back of my shirt, I felt like crying. I wanted to be her, I stay frozen, observing, that's when the best part starts. You realize this can't be you, why you may ask. Because I said so. Fast forward to nighttime, the dark fills the bathroom as a few lite candles illuminates the gloomy color. I'm sitting in the warm bath, it feels light and comfortable on my skin. As if I'm wrapped in a blanket of heaven. Right next to me shines the razor, the candles reflecting the metal, as if it sits there patiently waiting to be used. Used for any circumstance. I close my eyes as Alexa plays "freaks" by surf curse. It fills the thin air, music to my ears. Literally. It takes me away from where I am, imagining, as I sink deeper into the warm thick water that drenches my hair. I reach for the blade that soon covers my vision and takes my focus. I force it against my skin feeling the cool metal instantly replaced with pain. The next slash was deeper as I let all my anger out feeling the pain I ought to deserve. I press it harshly against my skin looking at the red lake flowing out. How I enjoyed it too much as I start shaking. Shaking real bad thinking what has gotten into me. I sink deeper into the water until my head is completely under and I feel the pain of suffocation mentally and physically. It's so familiar, I feel it everyday. A moment passes I come up gasping for air as the water drips from my face back down making lot's of splashing noises. Now I won't add some cringe dialogue like splutter splatter 'cause is that what dripping water really sounds like. No. I let myself ease to the image of the red water, my red wrist, and I could only imagine my red eyes. Red, a monster, Red my wrist, Red. Now why am I doing this to myself, I'm only in sixth grade after all. That's how much I hate the society. Because I said so. This isn't the end of my little sob story that nobody will read, its only 820 words. I get out of the tub as my skin instantly hits the cold thin air which was filled with music, but the song ended. I stand in dead silence watching the candles flicker back and forth wishing I was dead. I get out and skip the mirror part. As I change and get out I head straight to bed. Yes I don't talk to my parents that much at night and here I am, writing this masterpiece. After all it isn't even that good. I'm lacking brain cells indulging the night, oh how it's silent and peaceful. I catch and glimpse of myself in the reflection of the window. I finally see it truly coming out, every single night it gets worse and worse as if it's the only different part of the loop. The loop I learned in third grade, technology class, a loop that goes on and on and on unless you program it to stop, I really want it to stop. I want to feel the tears now, but I'm too numb to push it out. I drift into sleeps knowing one day it's all gonna end one way or another, the exit. And why would I do that, because I need to.