Beneath a Sea of Emotion

I first became aware of how things worked when I was six. My father had died and my mother was destroyed. After he passed my mother began drowning in her emotions, literally. We live in a world where if you allow your emotions to overwhelm you then you begin to drown. You don't die, you just feel like you're dying. The event left my mother mentally scarred. She was never the same again, like an empty shell of who she once was she did nothing more than exist. 

From that moment on I was determined to be strong. I wanted to be stronger than my emotions so I never had to hurt the way she did. I am Stephanie; I live with my mother, Dianne, and my brother, Charles, and this is the harsh reality of the world we live in. We don't talk about what happened to my mom, Charles and I. As for my mother she spends most of her free time in bed or moving silently around the house. Me being the oldest Charles has become my responsibility. My mother still goes to work and shops, but can not bring herself to do anything around the house. I cook and clean for my brother and make sure he gets to bed on time while my mother just watches from her chair. 

Today my mother was having an especially hard time. She could not bring herself to get out of bed and go to work so she simply called in sick and went back to sleep. I walked to Charles' room and shook him awake gently. Today was the first day of the new school year for us both. My brother was starting 4th grade and I was starting my first year of high school. After waking my younger brother I left his room and headed towards the kitchen to begin preparing breakfast. About 15 minutes later Charles emerged from his room ready for school, and sat down at the table where I had already prepared a plate of food for him. Once breakfast was finished, I did the dishes and Charles and I headed to the bus stop. 

Upon entering the bus I immediately saw my best friend Sam and swiftly sat down beside her. The ride to school was long considering we lived on the edge of town, giving Sam and I plenty of time to chat with one another. "So, how was your morning? Excited for our first day of high school?" Sam asked casually. “Same as usual, getting my brother up and breakfast made.” I said rather dully. “But hey, I mean high school is a new start so maybe It’ll get better.” I added. We talked a bit more before arriving at school. 

Sam and I walked to class silently. We had the same first block and sat next to each other every day. Today our usual activities were put on hold and a guest speaker was present to talk about mental health. Sam and I sat down and the guest began speaking. “As some of you may know, in the world we live in, mental health is extremely important. You may feel sad and that's okay, but the moment you submit to your emotions and allow them to consume you is the moment you enter a stage of literal drowning. The typically neutral “water” that surrounds us, usually never affecting our daily lives, seeps into your lungs and you begin physically drowning.” the man stated clearly. “This drowning of sorts is not lethal, only excruciating. Many who experience it are left traumatized by the event.” he continued. The man then went on to explain how important it is to be considerate of others and not to be afraid to speak to the school counselor or family if we needed to. Shortly after the man stopped speaking the bell rang. The rest of the day went by quickly, though the bus ride home seemed long as usual. 

When I got home my mother was in the kitchen. I approached her and wrapped my arms around her slowly, fully understanding the pain she went through now. She did not seem to respond to the action much at first, but slowly something seemed to stir within her. For the first time in years the frown that appeared the day dad died left her face. She may not have smiled, but at least she wasn't frowning. That thought weighed heavily on my mind in the days that followed, how much understanding someone's situation and showing them that they are cared about can improve it. While my mother may never fully recover from what she went through, at least I could be there for her. 

I said then that I understood the pain she experienced, but it wasn't until years later when Sam was killed in a car accident that I truly understood. I felt myself slipping. I remembered all those years ago when I swore I would be stronger than my emotions, but at this time it was just so hard. Crying, I sat in the kitchen alone and suddenly it happened. The water began seeping into my lungs and for a moment I could not breathe. However, at that moment my mother came running into the room and took me by the hands and whispered “breath, everything will be okay sweetheart” and pulled me into a hug. It was then that the air seemed to return to my lungs, and I curled into my mother's embrace and cried harder than I ever had before. My mother seemed to step up a bit after that, taking care of my brother and I, and nearly returning to normal. She had her ups and downs, we all did. But we got through them together. 

I am 26 now, and my life has changed drastically. My brother, Charles, graduated from high school and went off to college. My mother passed away two years later. Charles returned home for the funeral, and stayed a couple weeks with me in my apartment where we confided in each other during this tragic moment in our lives. If there is one thing I learned from my mother it's that together with someone you care about is the safest way to be.