The Sound of Silence

I make my way across the room careful not to step on the boards that creek. I usually make a dance out of this, hopping from one board to the next my breath catching in my throat as I titter on the edge of balance. If I concentrate long enough, I can almost feel the panic swelling inside of me as the boards that creek form insidious shapes taunting me to step on them. Only then will I remind myself that it’s just a game. 

However, today is different. There is no time for silly games. I slowly pat my palms down the front of my new dress being careful not to leave any sweaty stains. I do not favour pink, but after what happened the last time, I am hardly in any position to demand otherwise. I shake my head quickly, as if to drive out the imposing memories from last time. A floor board creeks under my weight as I make it across the room but I pay no attention to the noise. I only have one goal in mind. 

The chair rocks backwards as I drop down fully in it. I rock back and forth, back and forth as my eyes drift towards the window. I can see the street below from where I am. All those people passing by and nobody cares to look up. What would they see I wonder. l move my hand over my face feeling for any wrinkles that mark the passage of time, my hair is falling in wisps around my face, I would give anything to run a comb through it but my fingers were all I had, I am not allowed to have any sharp objects.

My mind drifts back to the commercials that played in between cartoon breaks “the new anti-aging serum to rejuvenate your skin...” they would drone on. 

“June-bug” my dad would say. “Such a pretty little thing doesn’t need all of that rubbish!” he would bellow in the middle of taking a swig from his beer. I wonder if he would agree with the commercials now. June-bug really is a bug now. 

A lady scurries across the road catching my attention. Her large coat is keeping out more than just the wind. Maybe she is running away from something—or someone. No! I stop myself.. I try again, maybe she is late for work. Yes, that’s right she has been late too many times, if she doesn’t make it on time she is going to get fired. I was fired once, but I deserved it, I didn’t pay enough attention, “she is too slow on her feet” I heard them say, “you need to find me another girl and get rid of this one”. I was glad they fired me, some jobs are not worth it.

There is a sudden noise outside of my room, I hear harsh whispering. Someone coughs and the whispering stops. I hold my breath and stop rocking in my chair. My palms are starting to sweat again. “Easy does it” I tell myself. The door swings open and I stop breathing. I stare out the window and suddenly I am feeling overwhelmed. I want to be outside!

“June” a steady voice calls out to me. I ignore it. “June...maybe we should close the blinds” only then do I turn around

“No please don’t, I will behave I promise”. My voice sounds shrill to my own ears. I clear my throat “What is it?” I say more confidently, my own voice sounds so foreign to me.

“You have a visitor”

I look up sharply as my visitor enters the room. It is her—the lady in the large coat. Startled I glance back at the window as if checking to see if that lady might still be out there. Of course there is no one in the street but the cold wind. I take a deep breath and look back her. 

“Do I know you?” I say to her. Her features change but its so quick I can’t say for sure if it is relief or anguish. She takes a step towards me and I almost shrink back towards the window but then I quickly remember. I am on a tight leash, I am supposed to behave. So I steal myself.

“I...you really don’t remember me?” she says. Her fingers are just about the only thing I can see because of her large coat. Pink polish nail. I look down at my pink dress. “Was it you?!” I hear myself say. 

“Was it me what?” she asks with confusion written all over her face.

“Did you pick out this dress for me!” I can’t stop the shaking in my voice, “I don’t like pink” I take a quick deep breath and look outside the window. It seems like such a tiny thing to be upset about but I find myself holding tears back because of this pink dress. I want to be out there so badly, if I just behave I am certain they will let me go.

She approaches me then her hands rising deftly in front of her, that’s when I notice the bandages around her palms. ‘Is that why she is wearing the large coat’ I think to myself. What else is she hiding? 

I take a step back when she reaches me, my eyes are wide open, my heart is hammering in my chest. I don’t know this lady—at least I think I don’t. My eyes drift towards her bandaged palms again, her hands are still raised slightly in front of her, she notices my gaze and stops shortly before me now rubbing her palms together. 

“The doctor said my palms should heal just fine” she says to me tentatively. 

“Why are you telling me this?” I say back to her

“You really don’t remember do you?” she asks me. 

“Remember what?!” I shout back at her unable to stop myself. “I don’t recognize you from a mile away. So how about you save both of us some time and tell me who you are!” I back up all the way against the window and turn my back to her. My bottom lip is quivering and I can’t bare to look at her, whoever she is . I don’t even know her name. 

The man who let her in still hasn’t left, I hear him say “Ma’am, I wouldn’t do that if I were you” I know he is not talking to me because he never does. So I glance back to see what he means and I see that she is now right next to me. She moves to stand next to me. We are shoulder to shoulder, gazing out the same rustic window, my only ticket to the outside world. I decide there and then that I am going to get out no matter what.

I take a deep breath, turn towards her slightly, I offer her a small smile and she relaxes slightly. That’s when I ram my shoulder straight into the window. Her face is one of abject horror as I do it over and over again.

 Someone screams, the lady takes a couple of steps back her palms now covering her mouth. I hear a crack in the window as my shoulder gives in. I can hear shouting and commotion in the background. The man shouts outside the door and I know I only have a minute at best before they come in and hold me down. My actions are a frenzy driven by adrenaline and panic, I go at the window with my fists barely noticing the pain. 

I have only just broken the window before a swam of hands wrap around my waist dragging me back before I am pinned on my back to the ground. I kick out as hard as I can. Someone grunts in pain as my foot connects with a face. And then my legs are also pinned down. 

I feel a pinch on my thigh and thrash around with renewed energy. It doesn’t take long before I start to feel a familiar sensation, my head is foggy and my limbs feel heavy but I fight against it, grasping at straws.

That’s when I hear her and the man talking to each other in harsh tones.

“I told you she wasn’t ready” his voice is laced with anger.

“You said she wasn’t ready the last time I was here. What am I supposed to do? I can’t stay away from her”

“Look I work here, I see her every day. Whatever she sees in you, its not good for her. Look at your palms, last time you came here she hurt you...I am going to recommend that these visitations stop immediately”

“She is my mother! I put her in your care so that you could take care of her. But I have a right to see her” she says. 

They continue in frantic tones back and forth but I don’t hear the rest of it.

I turn my head towards the broken window and succumb to the sound of silence in my head with only one question in mind. I have a daughter?