Update 4.5.2020

Hey there. 

It's been awhile since I've written in here, but since sleep isn't coming easy, I felt like this was a good time to catch up. You can assume that things have been going pretty well as the only time I tend to pull you out is when my life has hit the fan. Well, over the past week or so, exactly that has happened. Wait. First let me fill you in on the last year. 

Last time we talked, I was breaking down due to Vic ghosting me before I headed up to New York for my So You Think You Can Dance audition. That experience in itself was incredible. The talent up there was disgusting. I knew I wouldn't be getting a golden ticket but just being around that amount of amazingness was incredible. The judge informed me that I wasn't a strong enough dancer at that time but to come back for the next set of auditions in a year. He also said he was quite impressed with what I did given that I'm self-taught. I was elated.

Now during my audition, my rental vehicle got towed. Apparently in New York, they mean it when they say not to park in certain places, including in front of fire hydrants. The only two people who I knew up north were Moreno, who had recently changed his number, and Josh. I ended up having to call my sister from a stranger's phone (mine had died) and get her to call John to see if he would even be available to help in the situation. I also told her to let him know that there was no obligation for him, given I had destroyed him over a year prior.

After my audition, I called him. He was eleven minutes away. Mind you, he lived in New Jersey. He crossed state lines to help his ex-girlfriend with a setback that was completely my fault. When he picked me up and took me to my hotel, he stayed in his truck with no intention of coming up to my room. We retrieved the rental and I offered to buy him dinner for helping me out. Here I was broken up about a guy back home who wouldn't even drive five minutes to give me a hug after a rough few days, and this kid crossed state lines to help me out with no expectation of anything in return. 

When I got back to town, I came to terms with the fact that Vic didn't see what we had as long term, which hurt more than it should have. I later found out that he was sleeping with another ex while having relations with me. I also know for a fact that he lied to my face on more than one occasion, including his whereabouts when we weren't even together, which is odd given we were supposedly friends, ergo why did he feel the need to lie? At one point, I had entertained the idea of having children with him. Thankfully, our physical relations had ended weeks before I even went to New York. That being said, I'm also fairly certain that he lied about reversing his vasectomy at the beginning of our relationship. Lots of red flags with that one, I know.

Josh and I ended up getting back together (woot!) and within a couple of months, we were pregnant. This past November, we got married at the courthouse. We were split for a bit over a year and we refer to those as the dark ages. 

Fast forward to now, I'm lying in bed with him, with our tiny six-week-old in between us. They're both passed out. It's been rough in my brain the past couple of weeks. Not with the little, per say, but wrapping my head around Josh and I's differences. Understand, I don't believe in divorce. You know that. I know that isn't the answer, but I find myself being constantly reminded of why I broke up with him in the first place. 

We are extremely opposite, which should complement, yet I find myself irritated. We have very little in common and the things we do have in common seem to be tainted somehow. I feel as though I still haven't figured out how to be open with how I feel which is probably because I feel guilty for how I'm feeling. 

A main issue is that of our celebration ceremony. I enjoy planning events, more so with those who are going to be involved. Whenever I bring up the ceremony, our wedding, if you will, he starts tuning me out. Josh's philosophy is that we're already married, why do we need a wedding? I've told him how important it is to me to have my mother walk me down the aisle, and yet, it's as if it goes in one ear and out the other. 

We don't usually see eye to eye on things, but we work on compromising. Despite that, there are times in which I try and give him responsibility and he just shunts it aside. I'm currently on maternity leave, meaning I'm with our little all day, which is fine. He comes home and wants to decompress for a bit after work, which is also fine. Then he offers to take the tyke for a time to allow me to do some solo tasks, has him for ten minutes, and then complains about taking him. 

As I look down at the little one we made, I find myself playing out in my head raising him on my own. Raise him not to constantly and unnecessarily correct others like his father. Only offering his two cents when someone asks for it. But logically, I know that's not fair. When we got married, I agreed to work just as hard, one hundred percent from both parties. 

I talked to Cliff (yes, him and Adele are still my mentors, and they just had their little girl yesterday. Yay!) today about the wedding situation and asked him if I was being superficial for wanting to plan it. We boiled it down to me just being impatient. But it's hard not to be impatient when someone has such difficulty in making decisions and following through with said decisions. I understand having as much of the information as possible, but decisions have to be made in a timely fashion. Josh wants all the information before taking a step forward and I'm more so, take the step and adjust as needed. My mortal flaw, I guess. I don't know. I'm finally starting to get tired so now it just feels like I'm babbling. I'll talk with you again later. Maybe I'll get more consistent at writing in you. Who knows? Good night.

Love, Madeline