Hard-Boiled

Samuel Bogart wondered how many pints of ale he would need in order to forget. He knew it was more than eight. "Another one," Sam grunted to the elderly barkeep, who refused to comply unless his old eyes saw the money in advance. As Samuel reached into his pocket for the coins, his hand brushed upon a smooth, white fragment he stole from the crime scene. He knew his actions were against protocol, but he didn't care. The fragment was another reminder that life was no fairy tale.

He came to Farrago Kingdom with a belief in second chances and the hope that he might find his happily ever after. Samuel knew he couldn't find it in the Land of Oz. He hoped to become a circus performer as a kid, but his dreams were crushed as if by a falling house when all flying monkeys were drafted into the Witch of the West's army. Samuel didn't mind it, though, as she wasn't as cruel towards them and paid surprisingly well. Being young and stupid, he spent all his earnings on cheap booze and even cheaper munchkins.

When the witch's army was liquidated, Samuel ended up working under The Wizard as a city guard. Hope was high that there could finally be a change in Oz. Samuel got sober and worked his way up the ranks. The higher he got, the more he realized The Wizard was a con man, a fraud, a narcissist who cared more about maintaining his power than helping the citizens of us. Samuel's hope melted faster than his last boss. The final straw was when The Wizard put a man with literally no brain in charge of the entire guard force. While it was true murders were down, the crime rate went up.

Seeing his hometown, The Emerald City, lose its gleam broke Samuel. He went to the local tavern and decided the only way he could face the world was through an alcoholic fog. He hasn't been sober since.

Eventually, he became such a nuisance to his superiors that they decided to transfer Samuel to another kingdom. He didn't mind as long as he could drink. He packed his space belongings in a single sack and followed the yellow brick road out of Oz and into Farrago Kingdom.

If Oz was a city upon a hill, Farrago Kingdom was a dumpster fire upon a ditch. He began working as a King's Man, the group of guards that served at the beck and call of King Janus, the duplicitous ruler of the land.

Samuel knew the royal court was as crooked as the Wicked Witch of the West's nose. He didn't care. He wanted to keep his head down and save enough money to start a circus. What he wanted didn't matter as his boss, General Thomas Thumbling, was ruthless. Standing at 5 cm, he was as short as he was vile. He made it his life's mission to make each person feel as small as he was.

Samuel would have stood up to the travel-sized ogre in another life but left his courage in Oz. He may have been a flying monkey, but he felt like a lion. He was disgusted by his own inaction and tried to erase his self-loathing with the one thing he knew worked: booze.

Yet, nothing in the nightmare Samuel called his life could have prepared him for the grisly slight he encountered that morning. General Thumbling had commanded all the King's Men and Calvary to meet him outside the southern wall. There Samuel was greeted with the sight of his only friend, Humpty Dumpty, shattered on the ground.

Tears began to form in Samuel's eyes. Humpty Dumpty was the one thing that kept Samuel sane. They were both loose cannons. While the rest of the King's Men were like the three mice, blindly following the will of Thomas Thumbling or King Janus, Humpty shared Samuel's disgust by the regime. They would spend hours each night at the tavern drinking away their troubles.

To Samuel, Humpty Dumpty was a Faberge egg: a delicate treasure.

Samuel allowed himself to shed one tear before getting back to work. Unfortunately, the grief was too intense, and he threw up thinking about how the life of his precious friend was over.

"Easy there," a fellow King's Man said. "Don't go bananas."

Samuel's grief turned to rage upon hearing the racist comment from his coworker. He was going to swing his paw, but Thomas Thumbling blew a whistle to get attention.

"Alright, men," General Thumbling croaked, "Our fellow King's Man has fallen protecting our country. It is up to us to try to put him back together."

There was a menacing air to how the general described the task. It was obvious by looking at how the yolk, albumen, and shell were all scrambled together that there was no way Humpty Dumpty could be put back together again. This was not a rescue mission. They were here to clean up.

The morning worsened when King Janus arrived with Humpty Dumpty's adoptive family in tow. Humpty was born to a goose in the Land of Giants, high above the grounds. There, a man named Jack Dumpty kidnapped him, hoping he would hatch into a golden goose. After weeks of waiting, Jack realized the egg was a dud and sold him the baker, who would later become his wife. The baker saw potential in the egg. Since she could not have kids, she used her magic to bring gingerbread men to life. Now, she used her magic to bring life to a child-size egg.

It was apparent to all that the baker loved Humpty by how she cried. Jack feebly attempted to console her. Samuel watched the scene as he worked and was struck at how unaffected Jack was by Humpty's death. Samuel's eyes then darted to King Janus. He wondered if he imagined the king appearing pleased by the misery around him.

Sam went to the tavern to forget about those thoughts and doubts. He drank to forget the whole grisly scene. He drank to forget the smell of fried egg as the afternoon sun appeared. He drank to forget the sound of the baker wailing. He drank to forget the rumors he was beginning to hear about Humpty's treason. He drank to forget the piece of shell that was in his pocket and what it could possibly mean.

Sam Bogart was about to order another pint when the barkeep brought him a Scotch. Confusion and mistrust crept into Sam's face. "This one is on me," said a sultry voice next to him.

He turned to see Humpty's girlfriend, Trudie Benedict, sitting on the stool next to him. One look at her and anyone could tell she could get dirty. She had long, blond hair that could easily have been made by Rumpelstiltskin. Her black eyes were like onyx. She was wearing a white silk scarf that covered most of her body.

"What are you doing here, pig?" Sam asked as his gaze worked its way down Trudie's legs. "Look the yams on that ham," he said to himself in a moment of carnal weakness.

"I'm here to mourn," Trudie responded.

"Then what's with the white?" Sam asked, fixing his eyes on Trudie's face once again. He noticed how her stout twitched when she was nervous.

"Humpty loved his Scotch," Trudie continued, ignoring the question.

The comment broke through Sam's defenses. "He always was a Scotch egg," he said wistfully.

Trudie nodded solemnly and raised her glass. "To Humpty."

"To Humpty," Sam echoed, and they both finished their drink in one gulp.

There was an awkward silence between the two. Desires and regrets that both preferred to remain unspoken. Sam raised his defenses again and was the first to break the tension. "I don't believe for one minute that a pretty dame like you only came in to drink with me. It's hogwash. Tell me the truth, or I'll walk." 

"I doubt you could even stand in your current condition," Trudie retorts.

The silence and tension resume as they stare at each other. This time, it was Trudie who cracked first. "Fine, I need your help, Sam." She looked down, ashamed, as her hooves fiddled with her bag.

Sam scoffed at her pleas. He couldn't even help a chicken cross a road. "How can I help?" he asks skeptically.

"Sam, I fear Humpty was a victim of a conspiracy. He saw something at the southern wall while on patrol. It shook him to his very yolk. He refused to tell me. He refused to tell anyone. Two days later, my Humpty is dead! Something smells foul here, Sam, and I need your help. There is even a smear campaign against him. Have you heard the rumors? People are saying he was on the take, that he was a rotten egg –"

"Humpty was no rotten egg. If you put him in water, he would have floated!" Sam roared, enraged by rumors and without filter because of the drinking. 

"That's why I need you, Sam. Find out what he saw and prove his innocence. Figure out who whisked him away from us." Trudie's eyes were watery. "Please, Sam," she whimpered.

Sam silently turned his face away. A familiar silence came between them. Yet, there was a storm brewing inside Sam's mind. He reached into his pocket and held the eggshell in his paw. He no longer could afford to forget. He no longer was able to ignore the truth. If he wanted a chance for a happy ending, an ending that eluded Humpty, Sam had to act.

He put the eggshell back in his pocket and asked for the bill. "I'll do it," Sam grunted to Trudie, "But you're paying my bill."

Without saying another word, Sam stumbled out of his chair and flew to the southern wall. He landed on the opposite side of the wall, directly from where Humpty Dumpty landed. One issue that bothered him was the mere idea that Humpty Dumpty would fall. Despite his rotund torso, Humpty was yoked. His legs were sturdy from working out four hours daily, and his balance was strengthened from a lifetime of yoga. Something or someone would have caused him to fall, and Sam suspected what it could have been.

Sam got on all fours and searched the ground. The area was dark, and he dared not risk getting noticed by turning on a torch. He was looking for something small. After 90 minutes, he finally found it. He almost ignored it, assuming it was an acorn, but the color was off.

The faux acorn was a pellet made of gold. Embossed on the pellet was the initials PP. He took out the piece of the shell he took from what he now understood to be a crime scene. The strange marking matched the pellet. Someone shot the pellet with such force that Humpty Dumpty lost his balance.

Sam looked around the area. There would have been many witnesses, yet he knew no one would speak. It didn't matter, though, as he knew who shot his friend. It was the Pied Piper.

Someone only hires the Pied Piper when they want to take out a rat. Humpty must have seen something that implicated someone important, as the Pied Piper was not cheap. Sam tried to abate the rage building inside of him. He needed to be hard-boiled to get to the truth.

Sam put the eggshell and the pellet into his pocket and flew up to where Humpty would have been standing when shot. He gaped at the outwardly beautiful yet inwardly hideous Farrago Kingdom.

Sam didn't know where the Pied Piper was nor who hired him. King Janus seemed to delight at the carnage. General Thomas Thumbling was corrupt, so he would not have been surprised if he killed Humpty to hide a secret. Then, there was Jack Dumpty's peculiar behavior. He did not seem sad or surprised at the passing of his adoptive son. Finally, Sam had suspicions about Humpty's girlfriend, Trudie Benedict. The white silk scarf she was wearing was more than a King's Man make in three years. How could she afford it?

Sam pulled some paper and tobacco from another pocket and rolled himself a smoke. There were a lot of things he didn't know. Yet there were two things he did know for sure. The first thing was, while it was true he did not know where the Pied Piper was hiding, he did know who made the pellet and where he resided. He would fly to the Rumpelstiltskin's den tomorrow morning and ask him questions. Sam anticipated having to use force to get the imp to talk, and a smile crossed Sam's face.

The second thing Sam knew was that he would not rest until he knew what happened to his friend. One way or another, whoever hired the Pied Piper would pay the price, and the price would be steep.

Samuel Bogart, the disgraced King's Man, was on the case and would do whatever it took to put the pieces together.