When Stars Shine through

You swing and you swirl with eyes on the charm

You swing and you swirl with eyes on the pole

Swing out and play hard

Duck and…

Duck and…

‘Damn it!’ I cussed out in a whisper but Charlie’s irritated look told me it was still too loud. I apologized with my eyes and went back to my chanting.

All five of us were huddled in the left wing of the stage, waiting to be let out. Literally.

‘They will fly out like swans!’ The choreographer had exclaimed and all five of us background dancers knew it was going to be a bad idea. Nobody wanted to cling onto another person, both nervous and sweaty, right before the performance.

Especially not before their first performance.

I bobbed my head left and right as I chanted my dance script again, a bead of sweat now dripping down my neck. On any normal day, I would have laughed at how ticklish that felt but right now, in my hyper-aware state of mind, it felt inconsequential as I tried to focus on the cool air coming from the corner stand fan. Thank God that assistant director had some empathy!

I was not a nervous person. If anything, I was always called confident and certain. Maybe a bit too much, but that comes with the package of being a dancer. Confidence brings you posture and posture is everything! So then why am I so jittery before the first performance that actually mattered?

A light push from behind had me clutching on to Anna’s shoulders for balance. Wrong move.

 I wasn’t the only nervous person here, the proof being my now wet palms. Anna’s sweat pores literally cried over every chance they got. Why didn’t I choose the right wing dancers despite knowing this? Gah!

But I shouldn’t complain since I’m no good myself. When does this show even start?

I took a deep breath and let it out, repeating it just like in that youtube video I saw last night. This was new to me. And weird. I’ve been in about ten shows till now but none made me feel this way. My heart was running miles and it felt like my blood was rushing in every direction, pulsing like drums about to explode!

But perhaps it had something to do with being in my dream Auditorium, the Radio City Music hall of New York.

‘No! No no no!’ I shook my head vigorously to botch out that last thought. I do not need to be intimated any more than I am. I will not think of this place.

Focus!

Focus on the music; the chatter of the audience; the cool air from the fan.

Someone rubbed my arms soothingly and I opened my eyes, surprised. Charlie had a knowing look on her face as she rubbed lightly, mouthing ‘It’s okay’ and I let out a breath of air I didn’t even know I was holding. The rubbing did nothing to ease my nerves but I forced a smile back out of courtesy. She is a good friend.

The loud booming voice of the host stopped everyone in their tracks and instantly muted all conversations. Adam, the host, had a strong persona and an even stronger body- I mean voice.

Yeah. Voice.

His voice had a surprisingly calm effect over me, probably because I still had dreams about it but I’d rather not dwell on that right now. No.

Focus!

As I closed my eyes to focus on his voice like an air-supply, this strange nostalgia took over my senses and I was transported back to the day of audition. The first day I stepped on this stage, high on excitement and the feeling of accomplishment to have made it this far. I was shortlisted for the final show after three months of crazy interviews, video auditions and prompts. The journey was crazy but the moment I saw this stage, my heart had melted and I knew this was where I belonged. All my previous shows had been local, too small in scale to consider compared to New York. My struggle had been almost violent, the only solace being dance itself.

The first time I came here for audition, Adam had called my name and I felt that not-so-little skip of my heartbeat which had me biting my lips. I smile as I remember the funny look he gave me when I stared a second too long at his handsome face. The rest of that evening had been a blur of glee. Just like every other time I danced, I was lost in its power to erase everything away. I flew, I glided and did everything I knew I could, losing myself in the aura of the powerful stage. The following congratulations and hugs had me overwhelmed but happy. So much that I smiled for the next month non-stop.

A familiar music drifted to my ears and there was a shift of energy as everyone straightened up. This was our calling, the pied piper’s tune that had all our attention. We’ve practiced for months, falling and bleeding; crying and swearing; all for today. The final show.

The final performance.

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, finding surprising focus in all of my movements. I could feel the familiar rush of adrenaline as the music continued, reaching the point from which we were to enter on stage.

In front of thousands.

A thousand eyes, following our moves.

One slip and it’ll be over. Years of struggle, all gone with one wrong movement.

My breathing faltered in its rhythm as anxiety began to take over. I bit my lip to focus again but failed. I knew my brother was somewhere in the audience, waiting for his little cowgirl to take over the reins of this show and charm everyone. But the thought brought more anxiety than it did comfort. What if I failed him? What if I proved everyone back home right? That I was nothing special, not New York special anyways.

‘Get ready’, the director whispered, his eyes on the stage as he waved his hand to call us forward.

This was it. The moment to make or break.

I felt chills run down my bare back and arms as we inched ahead, all five of us in too close a contact. We stopped at our designated place, as practiced for months, each fidgeting and breathing aloud to overcome our demons.

‘We can do this’ I whispered and this time, nobody gave me weird looks for speaking too loud. Perhaps it was what everyone needed to hear.

The music was dipping low, fading out to create drama: a perfect entry for the five swans who would accompany the fairy princess into her new dreams and beginnings. As I stared at the lead dancer making her way around the stage and coming closer to where we stood, I felt calm and at peace. The white flowing gown that she had on glinted and reflected the white lights on stage reminding me of the stars that my brother and I used to count back home almost every night.

‘These stars inspire me, cowgirl’ he used to say, ‘because they shine so bright and cover the whole sky, and yet they don’t intimidate you. So if such a magnificent creation can bring you awe, how can any human or worldly thing bring you fear? It can’t!’

I smiled at the memory of his stories about the sky and the galaxies, hoe they made him a stronger person. My smile grew as I realized how much those words had shaped me and my confidence over the years. It was true, how can I be intimidated? I can’t! I won’t!

I took a final breath before straightening up. I took my spot with as much grace as I could and smiled. It was show-time, and I was about to make my brother proud.