Put Away

Jenn snuggled closer to him. He was quiet, looking out into the distance. He smelled of their hike, their lovemaking, and just a lingering of his cologne. She loved Tom. He was steady, a good provider, and an amazing dad. She thought hard about these things as the sun began to rise over the lake. 

She breathed him in one last time and rose to start the fire. He stopped her gently, setting a strong callused hand on her arm. 

“Wait a minute.” She sat back down obediently. “I just want to enjoy the colors a moment more.” He was right. The sky had turned a glorious shade of orange. Dark purples moved up towards the heavens, being chased by the day’s new light. 

“She’s pregnant Jenn.” His words were flat. She felt the air whoosh out of her lungs and for one intense moment she thought she would faint. She didn’t. Instead she got unsteadily to her feet. She set about lighting the fire. A chill had overtaken her. He turned his eyes from the sunrise. He watched her set the kindling and strike a long match. She was so beautiful. Chestnut hair and big doe eyes, she still had this erotic pull, but he didn’t love her. She knew it. Maybe she thought he loved Madison. He didn’t. 

Now he was saddled, stuck between a wife and pregnant mistress. She felt him staring. She didn’t look at him though. She didn’t want him to see just how hurt she was. Tom had admitted to the affair three months ago. She had screamed, cried, begged. When he said nothing she knew the their marriage was in real trouble.

He had planned this getaway. He said he wanted to see if there was anyway to salvage what was left. He had assured her, he did not love Madison. Their affair had been brief and unfeeling. She wanted to forgive him, to chalk this whole nightmare up to a mid-life crisis and move on. They had a life, a son about to start high school named Dylan. They had a story that was theirs and life they had worked hard to create. 

A few moments of bad judgement shouldn’t erase all of that, but it did hurt. 

“She wants to keep it. I’ve begged her to reconsider but that made her more angry.” He said this in a rush. Perhaps he thought it was better to do this all like a bandaid, quick and fast. One, two, three, done. She nodded. 

“I’m going for more wood.” Her voice didn’t shake but he could tell that it was great effort. 

The forest was beautiful. Early fall had come and the trees were a vibrant red or a soft golden hue. The contrast of colors was so alive that it made her slightly dizzy. She sat under a slender oak and began to weep. A baby? God. She just kept seeing it all unravel. Pregnant women were emotionally demanding, babies incessantly needy. Tom had created a new family whether he wanted to or not.

She sat for a few more minutes collecting herself, drying her tears. She got back up and gathered fallen limbs. When she returned to camp, Tom had started the coffee. He stood in front of a small mirror and was gingerly shaving the stubble on his cheek. 

She moved in to hug him and he laid his head against hers. 

“I’m sorry for all of this. I’ve really made a mess out of our lives.” He rinsed his face in a bowl of water and hugged her to him. 

“You have.” She didn’t mince her words. “I don’t know how I can help you now. She will have this baby to punish us both.” He nodded and dried his face. He pulled on a warm clean shirt. 

“I know this is asking a lot but let us put this away for now and just enjoy our last day here.” Just put it away? She thought bitterly about those words. Two years after Dylan was born she’d had a miscarriage. She had cried for days. Tom had come home, tired of her melancholy and said those exact words. Later, when they found out that Dylan would be their only child, he had squeezed her hand and said them again. He had completely dismissed her feelings and any discussion on the matter. 

She did it though. She put away those emotions, those tears. All she wanted to do it make him happy. She didn’t want her emotions to be yet another burden on the man she loved. 

Rallied from her thoughts, she nodded her agreement and finished dressing herself. They packed their coffee and some fruit into their daypacks. They killed the campfire and set out, cameras ready for the beauty that was the Appalachian trail. Had she been in a better mood, maybe she would have loved the splendid nature before them. But she wasn’t really in a great mood. She was distracted, angry, and hurt.

Tom continued to climb higher up into the mountain. He seemed relaxed though. He was smiling and he snapped picture after picture as they climbed in silence. The silence made her more despondent. It was like he really could just turn off every emotion, every worry like a faucet. Was she supposed to say nothing, feel nothing in all of this? He had betrayed her, dismissed her, and now there would be a child. 

She took a deep breath and tried to calm her raging heart. 

They had arrived at the top. It had only taken four hours. There was no denying that it was gorgeous here. Tom stood looking down at the tree line. He was amazed at the rings of colors the trees made as they grew towards the heavens. 

“It so peaceful here.” He sighed and closed his eyes. She walked closer to him and looked over the edge.

“Well I’m glad you can enjoy this despite the disaster you’ve created.” The bitterness was creeping in her voice. He seemed a little shocked by her outburst, maybe even a little hurt. 

“I know this has been hard for you - “ he started to say “but”. She stopped him though by a simple icy glare and he shut his mouth.

“Hard doesn’t even begin to cover it.” She signed and close her eyes.

“Listen I know I’ve messed this up. I have no excuse. I wish I could take it all back. I wish we could go back. But it isn’t possible. We both know it.” 

“Know what?” She eyed him suspiciously.

“It’s over Jenn.” He said finally. “It’s not Madison, it’s not you. I just don’t feel anything.”

He waited for sympathy, for anger, for something. She said nothing. She felt herself grow numb. Her vision became tunneled as his words sank in. Nothing? Nothing for her, Madison, the baby or even Dylan? He was a monster. He had wrecked all of their lives and all he wanted was to “put it away,” put them away, as if they were all so easily forgotten. A loud noise assaulted her head. A rush of blood, images from the miscarriage, the loneliness, all of it made her nauseous. 

Tom saw her begin to struggle, to buckle under the weight of the emotion. He reached for her but she stepped back, her eyes burning, face blank. For one horrible moment he could see all it. He could see the love he wasted, the woman he broke, the son he’d never see grow up. And then there was nothing but a sharp pain and darkness. 

Jenn made it down the mountain in three hours. She felt lighter. She hummed a little tune and took a moment to film a deer down by the waters edge. The deer moved quickly once he heard her footfalls. He didn’t need to. She was a vegetarian. She’d never hurt an animal. 

She unpacked her bag when she got into camp. She closed the door of the cabin and slept for several hours. The sound of owls woke her. She stretched, relishing the soreness of her muscles. She stepped outside and started the fire. With a few feet of light before her, she walked to the edge of the lake. 

The moon was high. Its bright shimmers on the tiny waves made her think of a thousand fireflies. A gentle breeze moved across her skin and it broke into gooseflesh. She wanted to remember the feel of it all, every soft touch, every magical light. No matter what happens from this night, she knew she’d never put anything else away.