A Promise

Nila rested the warm cup of coffee on the windowsill, the aroma of the freshly ground coffee beans sweeping through the house. She always loved these winter afternoons, the sun setting over the frozen lake, the surface glistening as fresh snowfalls from the heavens blanketing another winter's night.

“Winter’s cool kiss, warmed by the heat of the planted flame.” She smiled, lifting the cup to her lips for a sip of the hot drink. Still too warm to drawback substantial amounts of the drink, but all the same it soothed her cold heart. 

“Adam always loved it here.” She sighed, setting the coffee on its windowsill resting place. 

She ran her hands through her dark and messy curls, it had been days since she properly cared for them. But then again, it may have been weeks since she properly cared for anything. Since Adam passed away, everything had been a blur. Funeral arrangements, hospital bills, and a promise she intended to keep, that’s all that had kept her moving forward. 

Oh that promise, it seemed so long ago that it was made. She smiled at the memory, a shaggy-haired, light-skinned boy, rushing forth with the most beautiful flower she had ever seen. His cheeks flush with embarrassment and anxiousness. She laughed, a hearty laugh at the joy she felt. Adam was so overjoyed when she agreed to go to the dance with him, he nearly tripped them both rushing to embrace her. Oh, how they had no idea what life would bring them.

The sorrowful tears of words that were not meant, the joy of two simple words, “I do”, the wonder of children, and the anxiety of those children leaving the nest. 

“We’ve lived a wonderful life, Adam. I’m glad it was you.” She smiled as her fingers gently caressed the metal vase to her right.

All that was left of her beloved was in that vase, she suddenly thought she understood the word ‘vassal’, and couldn’t help another grim laugh. Nila couldn’t remember the last time she laughed this much, and alone at that. Then again, there was a lot she couldn’t remember. She’d never admit it to Arabella or her other children, but she was slipping and she could feel it. Sometimes it was as if the foundation that she built herself upon just melted away. All the aspects that made Nila, well herself, just crumbled. Leaving her to wade through the swamp of sorrow, until she found a new place to lay her mental foundations. But each time, she lost something of herself.

She frowned at the coffee, she was clutching the vase close to her chest. When had she picked it up? She gently placed the vase back on the shelf it was sitting on. Her phone suddenly vibrated and the screen lit up to show a message from her Eldest. She dismissed the notification. She had already let them know she arrived, and that she would not be talking to any of them for the next several days. This was her time to spend with Adam, alone. 

She turned from the Windowsill and sat down in the large red chair next to the fireplace. It creaked as she slowly leaned her weight into it. She was not a heavy woman by any means, but this chair was nearly double her age. She fingered the wooden accents that swirled the front of the armrests and smiled longingly into the fire. 

In her youth, she always found this place to be such a bore. She often asked her mother why they had to spend the winter break in this cabin overlooking the lake. Every time she was met with a knowing smile and a gentle reply. 

“You’ll understand when you get to my age, I felt the same way when I was yours.” Her mother would say. 

Finally, she thought she knew why they kept this lakeside cabin, and she was grateful it was more than family tradition. Here in this thrice renovated cabin, she felt herself. Words came easier, thoughts flowed faster, and the foundation of her being seldom melted away. She snuggled into the armchair. The warmth of the fire soothing the aches she had begun to feel deep in her bones. 

“A nap, then we’ll fulfill that promise.” She mumbled to herself, the words sliding off her lips just as easily as she slid into the world of dreams. 

She opened her eyes several hours later, the fire calmly kindling in the fireplace and she smiled. It was time to fulfill that promise to Adam. 

Her bones popped and cracked as she pushed herself up, the chair creaking in harmony with her body. She slowly walked over to the vase and pulled it to her chest. Looking out the window she found a new layer of snow had fallen over the landscape, the path she laid out only partially visible. But she felt no worry, she would know the way. 

Pulling on her overcoat, scarf, and mittens, she turned the doorknob, and with the vase, in tow, she started down her makeshift path. The snow was only a few inches deep, something she was very thankful for. She wasn’t sure how far she would make it if it was any deeper. Even this was a trudge for her old muscles. 

“We’re almost there my love.” She whispered, consciously placing step after step toward the lake. 

A strong gust of wind rustled her scarf and nearly pushed her over as small flakes of snow began falling around her. She braced herself as the wind died down, she would not be deterred by family, nor nature. She made a promise, and she was going to keep it to her last breath, just as Adam would have. Digging deep down she reached for that stubbornness that Adam always said he admired and pushed forward. Snow gently landing on her clothes and hair. 

Finally, she reached her destination. 

“We’re here Adam, After so long. We’re finally here.” she said, her eyes bright with the light of the moon. 

“I don’t remember a lot of things anymore, my love. But I remember that day. Standing under the tree when we promised no matter what that we’d be together until the end.” She could feel warm tears forming in her eyes, and growing cold as they trickled down her face. She clutched the vase tighter and tighter to her chest.

“I have to confess -” Her voice broke before she could finish the words. Mastering herself she rushed them out in a hiss of loving frustration.

“I always wished it was you who’d be doing this. I wanted to be first.” The Last words were more of a scream than a hiss. But finally, the words were out, and she felt the relief of that weight falling off. A weight she had carried since he passed away. A weight she carried as they held his funeral. A weight she carried all by herself. Finally, she was weightless. 

Nila sobbed. She openly sobbed. Tears streaming down her face, only to quickly freeze as they fell to the snow-covered earth. 

After several minutes, that felt like a lifetime on their own, she finally settled herself. She had held that back for so long, to be strong for her children, their children. She twisted the lid of the vase off and smiled, and placed a foot onto the Ice. It was time, no matter how badly she wished it wasn't, it was time.

“Nila, I never want to leave this place. It’s perfect!” Adam's voice echoed through her memories. 

“Oh, Adam. Nowhere is perfect, but you are right - it is beautiful.” Nila could her reply. 

As if she was there again, she saw his face before hers. 

“Let’s make a promise. When we’re gone, Let’s have our Ashes scattered here. This place has given us so much! I want to give back to it.” She felt his hand rest on her stomach, only a memory. 

“Thank you for that Adam, Just what I wanted to think about as we bring new life into the world, our deaths.” Nila laughed at the sarcasm she remembered filling her voice. 

Adam rested his hand on her cheek, the memory of its warmth, she could feel it now. 

“I’m serious Nila, Promise me you’ll do it. Please?” He pleaded. 

“Alright Adam, I promise. I’ll even put it in my will as well, Once we’re old enough to be thinking about those things!” She gave him an admonishing wag of her finger. 

“Really Adam, we are about to -” His lips pressed against hers and she felt both his hands holding her cheeks. His warm lips, she could feel them now. As if they were actually there. 

Nila blinked and realized she had been standing on her tippy toes, just like when she would kiss Adam every day before work. The vase was empty, spread across the Ice, and snow, the wind carrying his ashes across to parts unknown. She brought herself down to her heels, standing at the edge of the ice, she smiled.