For both our sakes

I feel so awkward, Sitting across from my once best friend at the class reunion. I never thought there would come a day when I'd feel awkward around him, a friend I've known since I was five. I miss him but he doesn't seem to miss me which is quite expected since he is the reason our relationship got to this point, the reason we are not as close as we once were.

I don't remember the last time we even spoke or saw each other - though it is just two months since our relationship went awry, it feels like a lifetime -, we never used to be out of contact for up to a day, but it's been two good months. So you can imagine how I feel seeing him here and not knowing how to behave around him, Someone I have shared precious memories with and now he just feels so . . . foreign.

How did we get to this point?, I wonder. I still did not know why he had become so distant. He should at least tell me what I did wrong, instead of making me wonder. Once upon a time we were inseparable like Merlin and Arthur, doing everything together and depending on each other, we attended primary school, secondary school and university together, partook in the same social clubs together, went on holidays together. That's how close we were, but now we were just . . . 

He feels like a stranger. I'm close to tears, thinking about how he just let our life long friendship become so . . ., I can't find the words to describe it, and for what reason?. How was he okay with keeping his distance from me?. No matter how hard I try to rack my brains, I just can not think of the reason for his sudden withdrawal. 

I guess I am the only one who thought our friendship was something special. I would never have thought in a million years that we would become estranged. 

I feel thankful for the crowd around us, I can avoid looking at him and can hide my awkwardness amidst conversations otherwise I may break down and I don't want to give him the pleasure of seeing me so beat down. 

I am part of the gathering but I feel unwelcome. He doesn't even act like he has not seen me in months. I feel so wronged being treated equally with everyone else here, I really did not mean anything to him anymore. He is talking to everyone here but me, and my pride did not let me be the one to engage him in a conversation.  

Our relationship took a toll after his wedding. He didn't become so distant at first but gradually I could feel him pulling away. First, he turns down plans to meet, avoids my calls and always gives excuses about being busy, till he finally becomes totally out of reach. He moved to a new apartment and I wasn't aware. I only found out upon visiting his old apartment, only to realise he had moved. Asshole!. 

" it's nice to see you again grace ", the sound of my name wakes me up from my thoughts. It's her. His wife. She still has that distant look in her eyes that appeared suddenly after the wedding. When I first met her, she was welcoming and fun. I was happy to leave my best friend in her care. I even thought we might be friends, I never expected her sudden change in attitude. 

" thanks " I say. Averting my gaze quickly somewhere else, so she wouldn't indulge me further. 

" hi grace " he says. Oh!, Now he is going to say hi after sitting and pretending for a whole thirty minutes like I didn't exist.  He sounds so informal and I feel so angry. I want to throw the glass of wine on his face but I restrain myself. 

" Why do you both sound so informal and so distant? " one classmate says. My eyes are  stuck looking at the wine with so much attention as if it holds mysteries I can't unravel. I trace my fingers around the rim of the glass slowly , then I pick it up, shaking it lightly to stir the contents. I take a sip of the wine, put it down and repeat the process again. Anything to keep me distracted and show I was disinterested,  I really did not want to answer. I am looking anywhere but at their faces. 

" I know right, they used to be inseparable back in the day. We all thought they were destined couples, but they said they were nothing more than soul mates . . . friends who were soul mates " another classmate says after neither of us responds. She added that last part abruptly, as if to clarify her statement to avoid any misunderstanding. I can understand why she did that, his wife is also present at the gathering. 

So everyone else too thinks it strange for us to become so distant, but he did not seem to see a problem with it. I start to regret coming here today, I thought it'd be an opportunity to talk to him. I knew he was going to come but I did not expect he was going to bring her. Her presence makes it difficult to actually talk to him. This is a gathering of friends who went to school together, I did not see how she fit into the description. Why did she come?. I did not understand my sudden dislike for her, maybe it is because she dislikes me too, so I'm just returning the favour, or maybe it's because I feel like she stole my best friend. 

" life happens, we both just got busy with life ". His response has me grinding my teeth in anger. I look up to meet his gaze and they somehow seem to reflect my own, Hurt. 

" excuse me for a moment ". I stand up to use the bathroom and maybe get some fresh air because I feel suffocated. Inside the bathroom I begin to cry. He has always been my solitude, a shoulder I could cry on, my only true friend but he pushed me aside the moment he found someone more special than me. I have many people around me but I would not call them friends, more like acquaintances. For me a friend is someone who has my back every time. Someone who will take my side in public and reprimand me in private. Someone I can comfortably share my secrets with, someone who will cry for me when I'm hurt and in pain and celebrate with me when I'm happy. Someone who will inconvenience themselves for me when needed. To be honest it is very rare to have such a person in your life, many people live without ever having such a person. Most of what people have are just acquaintances and not friends. And I was lucky to have had such a person in my life until recently. Soul friends, that was the way we described our relationship. But maybe I just deluded myself into thinking we were such friends.

I come out of the bathroom and spot him and another classmate, who is a colleague at work in a discussion. I hide myself before they can see me and eavesdrop on their conversation. 

" How is Grace these days? ", his hands are on his waist and his voice sounds pained. 

"she is fine, still normal bubbly grace "

" That's a relief ", he smiles. 

" why are you trying to be distant from her?, I thought it was weird that you were checking up on her through me but today the mood between you two seems worse than I thought "

He sighs " I care about Grace and she is special to me but my wife is important to me too. She doesn't understand that I love them both differently. She's not comfortable with my friendship with grace. She thinks a guy and a girl being just friends and best friends at that is unrealistic "

" I can understand how she feels. Everyone always thought both of you were more than just friends because of how awfully close you both were. It's normal she'd feel threatened by such a beauty as Grace " they both laugh at his last statement. " women are complicated - he pats his shoulders - I don't envy you right now. But well you've placed your priority, your wife over Grace "

" I'm quite sure a guy would feel the same way my wife feels. It never occurred to me that the person I would love to spend the rest of my life with might find grace uncomfortable. But the fact she did, means Grace's future husband might find me uncomfortable too. In a way I'm putting a strain on our relationship for the both of us ", they walk back to meet the others. 

The tears that stopped flowing, started flowing again. It had all been because his wife felt insecure about our friendship. I try to place myself in her shoes to understand how she feels. All the anger and resentment I feel toward him slowly fades away. Now I understand the hurt I saw in his eyes. He was keeping his distance from me and pretending not to care to make his wife happy at his own expense and I could understand, that is called sacrifice. When you love, you learn the act of sacrifice . He pledged his love to her and promised to make her happy and his relationship with me was getting in the way of that promise. I feel much lighter now knowing that he still cares for me and considers me special. Now I can happily become someone distant to him if that would keep his home safe. It is a sacrifice I'm willing to make for his happiness because he is a dear friend and I love him. 

I walk back to the table with a much brighter smile on my face. I can now enjoy the reunion and make sure he doesn't leave here thinking I was sad because of him. I feel proud of him because he can own up to his responsibilities and be the best man for his wife. I'm happy because he thought of me too. 

" You look beautiful today Janet. This big head must be taking good care of you ", I say to his wife, and for the first time since the wedding her smile towards me seems somewhat genuine. I raise my glass to cheer with her and I can see the smile on his face and that makes me happy.