I'm The Man

"Grow up."

This is what I what I said to Jacob as he walked away from our table.

Our table as in Ashlyn and I's table, not Jacob and I's table. 

Ashlyn is the girl I met on Hinge who, in my opinion, is perfect.

Jacob is my best friend who thought it would be funny to come up to me on my first date and act like he was not my best friend.

Jacob is my best friend who thought that it would be funny to come up to me on my first date and act like we did not play on the same youth soccer team together when we were six.

Jacob is my best friend who thought that it would be funny to come up to me on my first date and act like I did not know that he grew up scared of Donkey Kong and the Wiggles.

Jacob is my best friend who thought that it would be funny to come up to me on my first date and say "Andrew? My name is Jacob. Don't you remember me? We used to date!"

"Shut up and grow up," I said back to him. 

I threw the rest of my peanut butter and banana bagel at his neck. 

He caught the bagel as it dropped off the blonde hairs on his chin (that he called a beard) and walked away, seemingly proud of embarrassing me in front of my girl crush.

I look over at Ashlyn and she smirks me. 

That smirk could have meant two things. 

One, she thought that the whole thing was funny but was scared to laugh knowing that it would embarrass me even more. 

Or two, she was embarrassed because she was on a date with a guy who used to date another guy whose name is Jacob.

“I am so sorry about that. I didn’t know that he would be here.”

“It’s totally fine. I have to say, it is a little awkward…”

I paused. My next words undecided and stuck in my throat.

She took a breath and added:

“…I used to date him too.” 

She chuckled.

I let out a nervous relief chuckle. 

Hoping that she was kidding.

“If my friends were here, I am sure they would have done something much worse than that.”

I have a hard time believing that. 

“I have a hard time believing that”, I choked out, still sighing with relief. 

We kept chatting. We had not done much of that before my apparent ex-boyfriend came up and interrupted.

I hate to say it, but being totally honest, it may have prevented that first date awkwardness. 

I mean, don’t get me wrong, that was awkward. 

Like, really awkward. 

but it was like all the awkwardness of a first date just jumbled up and crammed into that one moment. 

But when it passed, the awkwardness passed. Because, at least for me, things could not possibly get more awkward. 

We talked about our favorite sports teams. 

I am a Charlotte Hornets fan, but she is a New York Knicks fan. 

I am a Philadelphia Eagles fan, but she is a New York Giants fan. 

I am a Carolina Hurricanes fan, but she doesn’t know what that is. 

Sports don’t matter, though. 

I mean they do, but not when you look like Ashlyn. 

Ashlyn is tall, but not too tall. 

Light brown skin like caramel. 

Lips that look soft like Charmin toilet paper.

Charmin soft. 

The curls in her hair were beautiful. 

Each little curl could represent something I already liked about this girl. 

And her eyes, boy don’t get me started on them.

Her eyes were blue like pool water. 

Not a public pool though. 

Because public pools are crowded and little kids pee in them (and some grown ups do, too). 

Like a private pool in a rich guy’s back yard.

One that you can get a floaty and an Arnold Palmer and just float in all day.

No kids in sight to tip your float and knock you in the pool, either. 

The more I looked at this girl, the more I wondered why she would match with a guy like me. 

I am a tall and skinny white kid who can get a sunburn in a thunderstorm, hair that looks like I bought it at a Party City, and I had an Invisalign that I took out before she got here.

But she did. 

I guess I don’t really care why.

She told me about her family. 

She is the fourth child of a six-child family.

Divorced parents.

My heart broke for her. 

How could two people love one another for thirty-three years, make six beautiful children (especially one this fine) and just fall out of love?

How could one start seeing other people after all that old love?

How could one move a thousand miles away from their family?

How could they lay such a strong foundation for so long, and knock it down so fast?

Just like that?

How?

She must have seen the pain in my eyes.

“What about you? Any brothers or sisters?”

“Nah. Well…”

How could I forget?

“Not anymore.”

“What do you mean?” she asked. And rightfully so.

“My baby brother died at four months old. Rolled over on his stomach in his sleep. Never woke up.”

Now I saw the same pain in her eyes.

I never knew such sadness could make my heart jump. 

“I’m so sorry…”

“It’s fine. It was a long time ago.”

“That doesn’t make it any less sad.”

“I know. But you hear ‘I’m sorry’ so many times, you eventually stop hearing it.”

I think that hurt her feelings.

That was the last thing I wanted to do. 

We were silent for a minute. Felt like a season.

“Wanna go for a walk?”

Boy do I.

“Sure.”

We got up, got out, and got to walking around campus. 

I went to NC State. 

Ashlyn goes there right now. 

I was a communication major. 

She is an agriculture economics major. 

We walked and we talked. 

The mood got lighter with each step and passing red brick.

We walked past the bell tower. 

“When we beat Duke a few years back, they were ranked number nine in the nation. We beat them by like, twenty. Me and Jacob, my ex-boyfriend (insert goofy embarrassed half-smile here) rushed the bell tower with the rest of the juniors. I remember climbing the hill and looking at him and asking if I should take my shirt off. He said yes. I was so shocked because he normally tries to talk me out of stupid stuff like that (if you can believe that). So, I did. I waved it around and yelled at the top of my lungs. When we were leaving, I took it off again and as we walked away a girl ran up and jumped on my back-”

I stopped myself, but it was too late. 

That is the part of the story that you do not tell a girl on the first date. 

Maybe at all.

She looked down, smirked, and giggled a little bit. 

Then she looked up at the embarrassment painted on my face like a mural.

And she lost it.

I breathed out a nervous relief chuckle. 

For the second time that day.

But her laugh… boy, her laugh.

We walked all around campus. 

The brickyard.

The Court of Carolina.

The free expression tunnel. 

There, she stopped, pulled out her lip gloss, and wrote on the wall. 

That’s kinda gross if you ask me.

But at this point, I’m gonna let it pass.

She drew a smiley face. 

I don’t know how to explain it, but it was happier than any other smiley face. 

Happier than any emoji or colon with a parenthesis or laptop sticker smiley face. 

It just looked happier. 

Maybe because she drew it. 

Maybe because she drew it with her lipstick. 

It looked how I felt.

She put it back in her pocket and grabbed my hand. 

BOY LET ME TELL YOU

My insides jumped like LeBron James going for a slam dunk.

And boy let me tell you, my heart was gonna slam dunk that ball and get everyone on their feet.

I hope that my hand is not actually sweaty and it’s all in my head. 

We walked more.

Talked more. 

I am almost sure I am gonna see her again and it can’t come soon enough. 

“Why did you match with me?”

I can’t believe I asked that.

I just ruined it. 

I.

Just.

Messed.

Up.

She took her hand away.

For the second time today, my heart broke. 

I hung my head.

I always do this. 

I catch these feelings.

I move too fast.

I ask dumb questions.

I scare the good ones away. 

“Why do you think?”

She took both of my hands.

I didn’t answer.

Something about what she said, makes me think she didn’t expect me to.

Nor did she want me too. 

She pulled me in. 

And hugged me.

I put my head over her right shoulder to hide my goofy grin.

She pulled away. 

She turned to walk away. 

And as she did…

“Talk to ya later?”

“Can’t wait.”

I didn’t even care how simpy that sounds.

We turned away from each other and went our own way.

I looked back as the door to the dorm where she was an RA closed. 

I smiled.

I stopped and opened my book bag up to grab my Air Pods. 

I threw one in and went to Spotify. 

Aloe Blacc. 

Well you can tell everybody

Yeah you can tell everybody

Go ahead and tell everybody

I’m the man, I’m the man, I’m the man

Yes I am, yes I am, yes I am

I’m the man, I’m the man, I’m the man.