Being Frank

Being Frank

“Hey doc’, any chance you could pass me that can of three-in-one oil, on top of the workbench?”

Frank struggled with the adjustable spanner, “Damn modern technology, those Luddites down the road have got the right idea -dea-dea.” A heavy hand the size of a bucket hit the rear of his oval-shaped head. The stutter instantly stopped.

“Hot Dang, Frank, that looks like it is getting worse?” Asked a concerned Wolfie, raising a rear leg high into the air. The werewolf attempted to retrieve a cup of coffee from a wooden table, by poking a long curved claw through the handle of his aluminium mug.

“No, no — Not again!” Frank and Wolfie watched as the mug simply swivelled on the bend of the claw and the contents fell with a splash onto the riven stone floor, disappearing into the ancient cracks with hardly a gurgle.

Wolfie hung his furry head in shame. “I’m not getting that old am I Frank? I can’t even remember using my front paws held together. Like when I am, you know — Human.”

Frank’s eyes opened wide, pulling against the stitches at the edges of his already too-tight lids.

“Wolfie Grey-Hair, did you just say — The H word?”

“Sorry Frank,” choked his best friend. “It-just-sort-of-dribbled-out…” he stammered the words loosely and ended the sentence with a wet gulp.

Doc dropped the oil can onto the shelf near where Frank was sitting. He looked sympathetically at the two despondent creatures.

“Well, I may be wrong and barking up the wrong tree.” He paused as he saw Wolfie narrowing his eyes into expressive slits of annoyance. Without giving the creature a chance to respond, he continued his conversation.

“But, unless I am very much mistaken, you both look like someone who needs cheering up. Follow me to my lab, and I will show you the results of my latest experiments.”

Frank slid awkwardly off the top of the Stainless Steel pathologist's table to stand next to his two friends. For some reason, he always felt incredibly comfortable sitting there. He told his friends it felt like he was in a womb before being born. Doc never had the guts to tell him how close to the truth he actually was.

On the way to the lab, they crossed the recreation room to reach the stairs to the cellars below.

They were interrupted, as twelve bundles of fur rushed as one, towards Frank. He paused as they ran in circles around his massive black boots, occasionally jumping up for him to catch them in his gigantic arms. He'd playfully toss the ball of fluff into the air, before dropping the foxlike creatures back to the safety of the floor.

Wolfie sighed, “Sorry Frank.” He watched the activities for a few seconds before firmly raising his voice. 

“C'mon kids, give Uncle Frank a break.”

“But, Uncle Frank is already broken.” A young female cub innocently squeaked. 

Realising his daughter had already grasped one of life’s oddities at the tender age of nine months. A toothy grin spread inch by inch along the wiry muzzle of the extremely proud werewolf.

Wolfie attempted to redirect their attention elsewhere.

“Hey look, Cleo's bandages have come loose. Why don't you see if you could help her tie them up again?” 

He watched as his brood finished harassing poor old Frank, and was now speeding in leaps and bounds in Cleo's direction. She reacted as if they were her own children, swinging bunches of five baby wolves at a time, by their skinny tails.

Turning towards Frank, Wolfie raised a hand to the side of his maw and whispered in a conspiratorial voice. “What you reckon Frank? Yummy mummy, or what?” He dug his friend in the ribs with his snout as there wasn't currently an available elbow to use.

Frank's eyes were slightly glazed. Either he was deep in thought, or his tear ducts had kicked the bucket again. This time it was the former reason, as Frank was lamenting his lack of a mate.

He had tried dating Cleo once, but as they were getting fresh with each other their amorous activities rapidly came to a sudden halt.

As soon as Frank began removing her copious covering of bandages. Brown dust poured between the gaps, creating a small cone of Cleo essence upon the floor.

The doc's creation faired no better, as various parts she found herself clutching had unceremoniously detached themselves. Leaving her rather embarrassed and confused about where to put them.

Shaking his head to clear the recollection firmly from his head, he noticed Wolfie was already descending head first down the spiral staircase leading to the doc's lair.

He clunked heavily downwards himself.

As he reached the bottom he realised apart from Doc and Wolfie, strangers were already lounging around the perimeter of the high-ceilinged lab.

A forty-foot-high gorilla waved a hand in greeting. “Hi, I’m Gus. I used to be royal, but after falling off the Empire State Building, I was booted out of the super primates club.” He scratched the back of his head muttering to himself. “Shame really, I was just getting over my fear of heights…”

Standing next to him were two legs and a thick lizard-like tail.

Gus could see that Wolfie and Frank were itching for an explanation for the oversized limbs. He jabbed a thumb over his shoulder in the direction they were staring at. “That’s Zilla, she shouldn’t really be inside here as she is so tall, it must be putting a crick in her neck stooping down so far.”

A loud roar filled the room in agreement with Gus’s suspicions.

The giant Gorilla casually shrugged his shoulders, “I did warn her, but she insisted she wanted to come…”

Doc coughed, “Sorry to interrupt your introductions, but I would like to unveil to you all my latest creation.”

He walked dramatically towards a large white tarpaulin hanging from two chains. Whatever lay behind was obscured from everyone's view.

“Gentlemen,” Doc began. He was interrupted by an angry roar from above. “Ladies and Gentlemen,” he continued in a frustrated voice. “If you would just give me a moment, as I appear to have tied these restraints with the wrong sort of knot…” He struggled for a little while before everyone heard his sigh of relief as the final knot relinquished its grip.

“Today, I would like you to meet — Ethel.”

He pulled the final cord and the drape fell to the floor.

Unable to help themselves, Frank and Wolfie snickered openly before hearing Zilla’s grumbling in female solidarity. They stared at Gus hoping to distract themselves from the sight of Ethel standing on a podium in all her glory.

Gus’s eyes flicked between the werewolf and the self-assembly human. Every third flick he directed them towards an entity currently known as Ethel and shuddered.

Ethel was butt-naked, ugly as sin with more hairs on her chest — Than Frank.

Doc appreciated that Ethel would not win any beauty competitions, but what the heck? He didn’t have a lot to work with, at that particular time.

Ethel waved. “Hi Boys,” she said through broken teeth. “Come down and see us sometime.”

Frank fought the urge to vomit with all of his willpower. Which, to be honest, wasn’t very high on a scale of one to three.

“Mmm,” was all Frank could manage vocally, although Ethel took it as a positive response.

Wolfie waggled a pointed ear. “Did I just hear what the Ethel thing said correctly?” No point in being too polite, he did have standards you know.

Doc adjusted the knot of his tie and looked at Wolfie questionably. “What do you mean?”

“She mentioned the word — US!” He sought support from Frank and Gus, who nodded vaguely in response.

“Well, funny you should mention that.” Doc waited until he had their full attention. “There was a road accident down by the park yesterday. It involved a bulldozer hitting a group of cyclists. I know what you are thinking. A rampant bulldozer on the A259 heading towards oncoming traffic at speed. What are the chances, eh?”

Everyone else in the lab could only shrug and sigh heavily in response.

“Yeah,” said Doc in reflection, “Some said it was probably stolen and had fallen off the back of a lorry.” He scratched his head. “Dunno really. Anyway, where was I?”

Three sets of hands and a lizard's tail emphatically pointed towards Ethel.

Doc rubbed his hands together in glee. “I was walking to the chemist’s to pick up some formaldehyde when the whole scene played out in front of me. I was really lucky as I was at the right angle to watch the young lady dressed in that stretchy stuff, hitting the ramp of the bulldozer blade. She flew upwards still sitting on her bike, like a Kangaroo on a pogo stick. Her head hit the tree trunk, and killed her instantly.”

“That was a shame, what happened next?” said Wolfie, his long tongue hanging out in anticipation.

“Well, I waited until the emergency services had removed the rest of the carnage, and I stole a ladder from a nearby garden. I then phoned Egor and asked him to give me a hand. As soon as I managed to convince the stupid hunchback to stop hacking at his wrist with an axe. We extracted her from the tree and transferred her to my workshop.” Doc smiled, stabbing at a button on his desk.

“May I proudly present Tanya…”

As the podium smoothly rotated and Ethel moved from focus, a beautiful busty blonde took her place instead.

“That’s amazing,” said Frank. “However, did you manage to put a face and body on either side of a living corpse?”

Doc interlocked his fingers and pulled them back with a snapping noise.

“Simples, never forget there is always going to be a flip side to any mistakes you might have previously made!”