Candace

Present Day

“Hey Candace, my back feels so wet… can we go?” I said as I twisted my spine to discover grass stains all over my washed-out jeans. Candance, however, disregarded her remark and continued to search the luminous, starry sky. What was she looking for? I always found star gazing to be fun for about four minutes. Then I get itchy and just want to shower.

“Do you ever wonder if the stars are trying to tell us something?” Candace asked, her hands tucked under her head for comfort so she could easily ignore her damp full-length romper. A shame, really, it was really cute.

“Uhh, what have you been smoking? Anyway, I think it’s past my curfew. I should probably head home.” I replied, starting to pack my things.

“Ok ok, don’t you dare leave without giving me a kiss goodnight!” Candace graciously lifted her body up to a sitting position and leaned her cherry chapstick lips onto mine.

“I’ll see you tomorrow at school then?” I said throwing my backpack straps over my shoulders.

“Of course, babe!” Candace grabbed her headphone out of her sash as I started to walk to my car.

Candace is my best friend. Ok, fine she’s probably a little more than my best friend, but we started out as friends back in elementary school instantly clicking over our mutual love for cafeteria pizza day. Then we got older and Candace got fucking hot, what can I say? Her flawless caramel skin perfectly complemented her long, straight, dark hair and hazel eyes. Of course, she’s oblivious to how objectively beautiful she is. It’s a good thing I met her during her awkward phase, or else she’d know how out of my league she was.

I finally get to my petite blue Prius and throw all of my belongings onto the passenger seat to start my journey home. I try to manage the speed limit, but my anxiety about what my parents will say is draining my concentration. I prayed that they were already fast asleep.

***

Flashback, 2 years ago

She found me on the floor, crying hysterically. 

“Alia, what are you doing?” Candace just walked into my room and sat down next to me on the unvacuumed carpet floor. 

“What are you doing here,” I said, my anxiety increased from 60% to 90% since she entered the room. I didn’t want her to see me like this.

“Your mom said that you needed a friend, and I’m here for you, tell me what’s going on,” she replied, grabbing my shoulder. I wanted to tell her so badly what was going on in my head, but even I didn’t understand it. 

“My mom’s overreacting, I’m fine,” I replied, turning my body around so she couldn’t see my face. 

“Talk to me, what are you feeling,” her voice was soothing, but I needed to be with my own brain and thoughts right now. 

“Honestly, Candace, you’re making things worse for me, I really need to be left alone right now,” I replied, not making eye contact. 

“Alia--”

“No! Just leave me alone! Please, just leave.” I yelled, pushing her arms off my shoulders. 

“I’m not leaving.” I finally looked at her in disgust, and just rested my head on the wall and started to tear up. “H-have you been taking your medication?”

“Wow, I can’t BELIEVE you would ask me that!” My anxiety multiplied, my body couldn’t stop shaking, and tears leaked out of my eyes uncontrollably. 

***

Present Day

My steps were only quiet in my own head and as soon as I walked in I saw my parents turn on the light. “What were you doing out so late? You know we worry about you alone, Alia.”

“I know, but I was safe,” I replied, trying to walk toward the stairs as slyly as possible. I didn’t mention that I was with Candace. They would freak out. 

“We’re not done with you Alia,” the demanding nature of my dad’s voice made my whole body spring two inches back from my race to the stairs. “Have you been taking your medic--”

“Dad no, please, I would really rather not talk about that. Now that I know why I act the way I do, I know I can handle things,” I cut him off. It still made me uncomfortable to hear the word or even say it, quite honestly. “There is something I need to confess…” Both of my parents looked at me with those pitiful eyes that made my next words increasingly difficult. “Candace… she’s more than my friend.”

Both of my parent’s eyes turned from pitiful stares to those of fear.

“Mom, Dad, I’m gay. Candace is my girlfriend, and we’ve been dating for nearly a year now.”

The silence persisted and we all just stared at each other uncomfortably. My parents looked confused more than anything else, but unacceptance was the reason I was so scared to tell them in the first place. My eyes started to moisten, wishing I could know what they were thinking.  

“Alia, we really don’t…” my mom started.

“You were the one who told me you would love me regardless of anything, did that criterion secretly not include who I love? Were you lying?”

They didn’t say anything and the blood rushing through my head felt 10 degrees warmer. The tears that moistened my eyes were hard to keep holding back and they started to pour down my face. I turned my feet away from the stairs, grabbed my backpack, and left the house.

The tears made my vision blurrier than usual, making it much harder to drive, but I managed. I ended up at Candace's house, parking on the opposite side of the street. I walked toward the back where I knew Candace’s room was and started throwing small pebbles at her window.

“Candace! I need your help, “ I whisper-screamed to the best of my ability. No answer. Was she still out watching the stars? It was almost one in the morning.

I decided to knock on the front door to see if her parents were home and her mother answered.

“Hi Mrs. Fernda, is Candace here? I really need to talk to her.” Mrs. Fernda looked at me with confused eyes, like I was the crazy one. “Mrs. Fernda?”

“Alia, it’s so good to see you after all this time.” Mrs. Fernda looked at me with that same look of confusion and fear as my parents.

“What are you talking about? I came over for dinner just last week. Why are you acting like this?” I replied frantically, my palms and armpits the sweatiest they’ve ever been.

“Do you want to come in for a cup of tea, love?” Mrs. Fernda gestured her hand toward the inside of her house.

“Can you just tell me what’s going on? Why aren’t you telling me where Candace is?” I asked, finally breaking eye contact.

“Alia, Candace passed away over a year ago. You went to her funeral, don’t you remember?” Mrs. Fernda tried to grab my hand but I quickly pulled away.

“What are you talking about? I just saw her earlier today. We were watching the stars like we always do. Is this a prank? Because, if it is, it really is an awful one. You shouldn’t play with people’s emotions like that.”

Mrs. Fernda let a moment of silence pass as she pierced my soul with her eyes. “Please come in, we should talk.”

         “N-no, I-I have to go…” 

My toes felt numb as I start to take steps toward my car. It didn’t look like its usual baby blue. It was now a dark blue, almost black, in the starlight. There were two things I knew - Candace wasn’t dead and my car was baby blue.

Mrs. Fernda chased me down the front of her house as far as her indoor slippers would take her and yelled, “Alia please, where are you going?!”

I didn’t bother giving her an answer and drove away. I headed toward the park where we were laying on the grass watching the stars earlier that night. I saw the bipolar medication in the glove compartment prescribed to me months ago, still sealed.

I parked the car and stared at the pill bottle intensely. The pills were calling my name, but I tried to ignore it. Putting the bottle in my bag, I jumped out of my car in search of Candace.

The path to our spot felt much longer than before. My hands trembled and sweat began gathering on my face, even though it was nearly 40 degrees outside. I finally stopped in my tracks. There she was. Alive. Just as beautiful, if not more. I walked toward her, my face that once bared tears of sadness now showed the dimples of my smile.

“Candace, oh thank god. Everyone’s gone crazy! They all think you’re dead. Candace--” I kneeled next to her on the grass. She wasn’t speaking, still staring up at the stars. “Please speak to me, what’s going on?”

Candace finally turned to me and said, “Babe – just hold me, please. Do you have those pills on you?”

I started to feel my head spin.

***

Over one year ago.

We each popped two pills right before we entered the music festival, not really knowing what they were.

“Babe, let’s take some pictures in front of the sign! Our first-ever music festival.” I hesitantly agreed, knowing that I looked like a chubby rat next to Candace. She put a peace sign in the air and I tried to smile less awkwardly than usual.

We walked in to find an abundance of drunk, young people roaming around, dancing, and singing along the sounds of electronic music. We continued to observe them until we found a spot in the grass to eat our dinner.

She was even perfect when eating burritos. Who gracefully eats burritos? Honestly, I sometimes wondered if she was human. No one is that perfect.

“Come on, I want to dance!” She said as she finished her food and grabbed my hands to drag me into the area where people were dancing. I started feeling the effects of what I hoped were Molly pills, which made me feel amazing. I wanted so bad to grab Candace and kiss her. I know that was the only thing that would lead me to euphoria. But I couldn’t do that, because then my secret would be compromised.

We were sweating all the liquid out of our bodies, but we did not care. It was the first time I think I enjoyed EDM.

“Ok, I need a break, I’m going to go sit! I’ll just be on the grass.” Candace stopped dancing to start walking toward the grassy area. I continued to dance for a few moments longer before I went to find her.

I walked back to where we were eating dinner to find Candace laying on the ground facing up to the sky. “What are you doing?” I asked, staring down at her.

“Do you ever wonder if the stars are trying to tell us something?” Candace said.

“I think the stars are just stars, dude.”

“I just really feel like the stars are trying to tell me something, Alia.” Candace’s eyes were filled with tears.

“What’s going on, Candace? What’s going on?” She didn’t reply, her eyes now closed. “Candace…?”

***

         “Alia? do you have any of those pills?” Candace said, bringing me back into the present moment.

         I finally snapped out of my vision and looked into her eyes. I took the bottle of pills out of my bag and shook it again. “Candace, you died. You’re not here.”

“What are you talking about Alia, I'm here, I’ve always been here. I love you.” Candace seemed so real, but her hazel eyes lost the once present sparkle. My eyes filled with tears for the last time that night. 

“Y-You’re not real! You’re gone and I need to accept that. I need to let you go,” the tears were streaming faster down my face. I tried to grab her hand.

Candace looked at me with disgust, her eyes started to tear like mine, “Wh-why would you say that to me?” My mouth was open, but no words came out. “I guess I’ll just go now.” She got up and started to take steps away from me. 

I looked down back at my pills, opened it, and took my first dose. I lay down on the still-wet grass hoping the stars would guide me.