Fucked

Fuck. Damn it. Motherfucker. It can’t get worse. No, wait. It can. Don’t give God that test. It can always get worse. Remember, I still have my vision, my toes, my boobs, for now. Problems, lots of them. Could pan handle, mug rich people, if I get arrested, I’ll have food, shelter l, clean clothes. It’ll be orange, but clean.

Then, I’ll never get a job. Who’s going to hire a stinky bum who needs a haircut. No resume. Could train for shit through VR. At least there I could have sex again. Lesbian sex but I’ll take what I can get. Motherfucker. Im bleeding. Not hurt I’m having my period. Damn it. Wonder if they get free tampons in jail ? But I’m not in jail or a hospice but need someone to help me. Dripping. Need the bathroom. Maybe I could find one with pads. Doesn’t matter. If I don’t find a bad. My briefs are already soiled, shirt has coffee stains and other shit on it. Nobody gives a shit unless it’s them. Maybe I could run in front of of a truck, then the torture would be over. Hungry. Thirsty. Guess I’ll have to eat my own piss and shut.

I walk along and there are still red bread crumbs behind me. Right? Then I kind find my back to the last dumpster or bridge I was living under. People don’t look at us, like we’re made of plastic. Now that it’s that time, even less people will give me anything. People are assholes. Thing is, unless you’re a moron, you know this’ll last for at least a week. Great. Say hello to dumpster diving , again.

What did you tell your guidance counselor you wanted to be when you grew up? I wanted a pH. D. “Poor, hungry, desperate “.

Then, it starts to rain and everything’s wet, which is good since it washes away the stink, but people can see my nipples through my shirt and bra. Fuck. I’m shivering. Ain’t nobody gonna be out in this shit and I need someone to give me some food. Get a job. Who the fuck would hire me? Nobody, that’s who. Move in with your family. Right. I ain’t got no family. If I had a family. Parents are dead. Ain’t got no siblings. Go to a homeless shelter. They’re all full. Go to a soup kitchen. They’re out. Everyone’s already eaten everything and they’re waiting for more donations. Everything leads to nothing. Get food stamps. What’s your address? I’m homeless, you moron, I ain’t got no address. Then I ain’t got no food stamps. Fuck. How can I get anything when everything has red tape?

We love our housed, closed, homeless population. Need to mug someone so I can get what I need to get … forget it.

Then, why am I telling you? If I go blind, lose a limb, who’ll fucking care? You, the reader? Probably not. So why are you still reading this? How did I get a computer? Local library. You must be on drugs, be a drunk, or have a mental disorder. No, goddamn it, I’m just broke.

Can go to a meeting, even though I’m not a drunk. Candy and coffee Hungry. See if I can find somewhere warm to sleep tonight. And maybe some pads. Steal all of them and save some for next month. Son-of-a-bitch.

Probably won’t happen but, maybe if I think … Right now I’m having a pity party. In a few years I’ll develop diabetes, since all I got to eat is this candy from Alcoholics Anonymous and coffee with sugar and then I go blind and get gangrene in all my toes. God, things could get worse. I ain’t go no idea how, but they could. They always could. If I could get mesself a service animal, that’d be great. But I ain’t got no social security benefits, ain’t got nothing I can eat, ain’t allowed to eat no candy.

Soon, this shit be going up my legs. Don’t never say shit can’t get worse. Hell, maybe someone come and take my clothes away or something ?

I still believe in God, even if He don’t believe in me. Think of Job, sister. Job lost all his shit and he still believed and got twice his shit. Hell, if I won the lottery they wouldn’t give me shit since I lost my social security card. Motherfucker.

They probly not even let me in to buy no lotto ticket since I be bleeding all over their fucking floor. Ain’t got no money for no food and I be thinking about a lotto ticket. Other blind women got to worry about assholes groping them since they blind or robbing them. Ain’t got nothing to steal and I old and ugly as fuck. So, thank God for all this bullshit. Ain’t gonna need no pedicure no more. I ain’t never had no damn pedicure, but now I don’t got to worry about it. God, you hear me? No, no, you don’t give a shit about me, right?

How’s about you? You think you got shit bad? You be the new Keller or victim of random violence? Man, why do God do this shit to us? I been good. Read the Bible when I was young, went to Sunday school. I was good. You be good. Why you doing this to us? What did we do? Huh? You don’t never answer us. Why not?

They say have faith in Jesus and I do, but Ready for the twist in the story? There’s no happy ending. What a spoiler. So, next thing you know I told I got cancer or I take a shit somewhere and be arrested for indecent exposure.

You know you’ve hit the bottom when you stop digging. But if God’s digging the hole, then what. Getting sober for free candy won’t do shit and neither will God. So, we’re fucked. I’m fucked and you’re fucked. But maybe you noticed the change in the accent in the story. Who cares?