On the Bridge of Time

"Gordy, can you please come help us with this?" I hear from the back room. They are calling for me to help them with the huge pumpkin that sits on the table in the rec room, too big for these weaklings.

I grumble, and grudgingly get up, and trudge over with my too big overalls trailing on the floor and scuffling every time I took a step.

"Boy, look who finally got up," the recreation therapist teased, and pointed to the huge pumpkin, gnarled and not far from beginning to rot.

"Ok, where do you want it?" I picked it up and it slipped out of my fingers and landed with a thud, and rolled over to where my dad's radio blared out, "We are the World, we are the Children,.."

Oh, god, now I was going to have to pick it back up.

The ladies watched, dumbstruck, as I heaved the heavy vegetable on to my shoulder, and demanded, "Where do you want it!"

"Uh, over here," the nun finally spoke up, "We have to put it in the proper place." She snorted through her tiny beak and I placed the monstrous thing onto the pedestal, completing their fall display.

With a bit of fanfare, (cheering and clapping), they thanked me and I went on my way.

Man, these people are weird, I thought to myself, as I walked down the hall. My friend Anna poked her head out into the hall.

She waved at me, and smiled and went back in her room and giggled.

Next up was dinner, I was in an adolescent psychiatric hospital, kind of like a resort, actually. There was a school and a rec hall, a cafeteria where you could choose your dinner, and it really wasn't bad! There was a game room and acres of land surrounding, and staff with the highest qualifications and professionalism.

Me and Ted would just play foosball all the time, but other than that the therapy was ok and the people were nice, we did activities for the holidays and my family came to visit pretty often, actually.

I wished I could act normal.in front of my family, I loved them so, but I was stressed, that was the reason I was in there, and my symptoms of my diagnosis came out in weird ways.

One time, I was trying to catch my breath, but couldn't so I squeezed my cousin so hard, and she said it was alright, because that seemed to help.

I also sat way far away from my family at dinnertime, just for the reason that I didn't want to walk that far.

Why were they all the way in the corner, anyway, (I'll never figure that out).

But uh so there were some crazy things that happened there, a girl smoking, (no smoking allowed), in front of the cafeteria, and someone claiming she was raped, by a guy in the room upstairs from the game room, across the lawn.

She was crying in group, and later I asked her if it was good, and she laughed.

No wonder.

There was a choral group that would practice in the evening, in a little shed out to the right of the main building, and I was just thankful to have a chance to use my voice, (that's what I had a problem with).

One day I almost had a run in with some romance myself, a girl popped into my room from out of nowhere and started to try to kiss me. I was feeling rather constipated, so sadly I had to send her away.

They put me on meds, under a lot of resistance from me, but my parents convinced me to take the plunge and take the first pill.

It was something I never wanted to do. At that time, I was also trying desperately to get my parents back together, even though they had gotten a divorce 12 years prior, and I did it because I only felt like a whole person when I considered them together.

I don't know if this matters to anyone, (my feelings), but I am glad to get it down in print and I can let it go and share my story.

I got out of the hospital after 9 months, the longest stay they had, they said.

They also said they had no cure for my condition and refused me entry later in life. I was glad, (I wasn't the person asking).

Anyway, I graduated from that hospital, I went there when I would have been in 12th grade.

I got high grades but I was not really attending school, at least it's not in my memory.

One time my step parent took me to a store and said, "you can have $80." But the time limit ran out. I almost got a beautiful green ball gown!

All in all, it was a very community- based time.

Everyone got along.

Four Winds Hospital

Saratoga, NY

Epilogue: I was in 5 hospitals and 5 residences. This place was nice. The others were more city- type.

I even went to White Plains Presbyterian Psyche center, near NYC. That was a bunch of girls. They were allowed to smoke.

Disclaimer: I am a female.

The feeling of being locked up is rather frustrating, even so much that I escaped a couple times.

One time my parents saw me walking around in town, and picked me up and brought me back. :D

It's been a bunch of adventures, but especially since I became pregnant. I was in the hospital, getting double portions and being told not to smoke, and going w/o meds.

I would stay up and listen to my headphone radio and dance around my room, (no sedative).

Weird people end up in those hospitals, it was aggravating to the point that I tried to get put in jail because I heard that someone went there then was released.

I am not violent, so it was more like when I tried to disobey the law to end up there, it looked like I was embracing the staff, not attacking him.

They flattened me out and I went to time out. They were careful since I had a baby, but when they offered me meds, I crushed it right onto the floor.

The doctor said if I calmed down I didn't need any.

I had the baby and, lo and behold, the staff I requested were attending to me in the maternity ward, and the baby was adopted and is ok.

I actually still talk to her, and her adoptive mother is very open with me about stuff.

From the moment when I went into a depression, I was having problems, my self- esteem went out the window and it took my whole Life to build myself back up.

I am through blaming, though. I am in a good place. Best to everyone. -