Lack of passion

 "It is beautiful," said Evenin.

We were watching the raise of first rays of the sun from behind Cold Mountain. That day was my first step I took to discover my interest and the last day to be with Evenin. 

Evenin Hutton was the first woman my heart bounced to her. Love or just affection, I don't know. Don't ask me, please. I'm not interested in these emotional terms.

My mother always told me I was a hopeless child. "Lack of passion" she motioned every time she forced me to do something and I just blow it in less than day. The piano lessons didn't take less than one hour. She tried everything with me. Sports, music, and science you name it. I couldn't focus. Nothing dragged my inner bright passion. However, I managed to find something keeps me on the track as everyone in this world. Just surviving not actually living myself to the limits. I graduated from IT field and managed to get myself a job. A good one that wasn't make me live from pay check to pay check. But still I couldn't find my passion. Nothing excited me. 

"You need a women bro," this was my friend Fred smith. He was the type of guy that loved to party, go social, drink until his belly explode and those all the noisy things that I don't find it funny or pleasing in anyway. However, I'm thankful for Fred because he was the one who lead me to my first strings of my passion. He introduce me to Evenin.

My first meeting with Evenin was in art gallery. She was an artist. Fred took me there to introduce me to his friends who was artists too. 

I remembered when I stood in front of that blood-freezing picture.

Pain was introduced like an object thing you could touch it. You could hear the screams and the sound of the broken bones. The fear forced itself to your heart. That was amazing piece of art.

Women with white ripped dress, holding her chest to prevent her heart from falling, crawling on the cold floor and behind her was a shadow. 

"Did it catch you?" her voice was pleasant to hear like a lullaby. I turned to see Evenin. At first, I thought she was a man. With her boy cut short golden hair, the jeans, boots and her T-shirt was big enough to hide anything related to a female figure that nature knew. 

"You draw this?" I asked pointing at the picture. She strode near to her art and smiled "YES" she answered delightfully.

Despite her dark art, she looked cheerful women. 

"Nice job. I liked it. Mr…" I paused and looked at her for a name.

She crossed her arms and smiled with angle of her mouth. "It is MISS" she replied.

I laughed in embarrassment. "I'm sorry. I'm very sorry " I said scratching the back of my head.

"No it is ok." She wasn't honest with those words. 

"So.. hmm, I'm Jed Carter" I reached my hand. "Evenin Hutten." She shook my hand. 

" It is a bit strange name?" again I missed up again. She glimmered at me. My stomach's butterflies flied like crazy. 

"It is mean night" she smiled and took her hand back and put them behind her back. She was protecting those two soft hand from this awkward rude guy. 

"That is nice" I said this just to make up for her but it did not give much effect." Thank you "again it was not honest.

"This picture what is represent?" I pointed at the picture. It was another effort from me to make up for her. 

"It is about escaping from abuse," she said in metallic voice.

"Ah! So the women she tries to escape from her abuser that one the shadow" , she nodded. 

"But why she is holding her chest?" I asked.

"The heart is her problem here" she looked at the picture. 

"She is trying not to lose her heart when she is heading for the way out. She trying not to drop her heart in that place where her abuser lives. If she dose that she will eventually come back to the same place where the abuser is and be a prisoner again," she explained. 

"Trying to protect the remaining of her emotions" I looked deep in the eyes of the terrified women. 

There were fear and hesitation. Fear of death and hesitation of not being loved again. 

"So you are from those one," I said and she tilted her head looking for more explanation. . 

"You know women power and stuff..." I shook my head lightly. 

"Oh! Yes I am" she smiled. 

"Then you hate men?" my heart was screaming for negative response.

"No, just the mean ugly men" she rolled her eyes and smiled. My heart was dancing at this point.

"I will buy this," I said cheerfully. A blot stroke her brain I guess. She went silent. I could tell at her reaction, her arts were not giving her a good sells.

"Sure! Sure, "she smiled. Fabulous smile. Those cherry lips raised up and showed white glowing teeth. I loved that smile.

We got date after that meeting. Many dates actually. And I was lucky to have her in my life. However, I was not satisfied. 

That "lack of passion" stroke me at some point of my relationship with her. She was perfect. And to be honest to you, my heart was crazy about her, but I kept losing my passion with her as always I do with everything. I wanted to be with her, snuff her perfume, hug her until I broke her bones, liking her white silky skin and glare at her green eyes all the time. I wanted all of that. I couldn't sleep because of that "lack of passion". For first time in my life, I hated myself.

"How dare you losing passion to this lovely woman? What man are you?" I kept saying these words repeatedly to myself.

I was hoping that my attitude would not expose me. I prayed to God that he distract her from my "lack of passion" towards her. I swore to myself I had to get rid of this habit as soon as possible before she noticed.

 I did everything. Fancy vacations, jewelry, drinks, clothes, cars, shoes and everything that make her pleased until I discover how I can get rid of this " lack of passion" thing. 

I tried everything all over again. Music, art and sport, I left nothing. Even the dirty things I tried. You know...sex related things. 

I was devastated. I wished I could have her forever. The thing that I was afraid of happened. I saw her. I couldn’t breath. 

Golden threads of hair flew in the air, the same fabulous smile I loved, the silky skin showing off from her off shoulder red dress and that big boobs my hand love to touch. I saw her with another guy. Obviously, rich man. I could smell his money from his Ferrari car, fancy black suit and arrogant walk of rich men. Type of wealth I could not afford.

But I was somehow relieved. She was still with me. She did not mentioned about anything of leaving or my awkward attitude. She was still thinking of me. I was still in the picture, and all I had to do is get rid off "lack of passion" thing.   

 So on September 5th, I asked her to go out. We went to my family cottage and spent time there. It was not been used for long time, I thought it was a good idea to spend time in the nature. The fresh air, beautiful scene and sound of birds. 

After we had our dinner, and we were on the couch cuddling each other. Her move frizzed my heart. She pushed me, released herself from my arms and sat on the edge of the couch.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I have to talk to you about something," she murmured. A cold breeze blew behind me.

"What is it?" I tired to fake my worries. 

"I …" long pause lasted for two minutes, and then she sighted deeply.

 " I want to BREAKUP with you".

" BREAKUP" the litters struck my heart one by one. I lowered my face.

"Is he a good guy?" I asked after a brief of silence. 

She had a blot of blue. "You knew?" she dropped her jaw.

I nodded and faint smile appeared on my face. Defeat smile.

She glared at me and looked away, "Yeah, he is better than you" her voice did not have the same softness I used to hear from her. 

I took a nip from my half-filled glass of red wine. Let all the heavy air stocked out of my lungs. 

"You deserve better than me,Evenin" I said .

"Yeah, I know that" she replied in cold voice my heart was frozen at once.

"Are we done here?" she barked.

"Yes, we are done" I replied in dead voice. 

Loons crying, the breath of breeze and silky sound of the grass, I could hear them closely as if they were near to my ears.

Evevin took her glass of wine and strode to the room.

"I'm going back to the city first thing in the morning. You sleep on the couch and I will sleep on the bed. We are done. Remember that"

She entered the bedroom and shut the door behind her.

I laid down on the couch. Thinking of how I screwed up everything. "Lack of passion", this was what destroyed me. 

Late at that night:

Evevin breathed like a baby. She fell into sleep after she laid down on the bed. Finally, she got rid of that bastard.

His absent mind attitude after she dated him a couple of times was driving her nuts. How dare he ignored her! 

Moreover, the worse thing was when he acted, as she did not noticed. Men!

Whatever now, she got rid of him and she can spend more time with Steve. He would look after her very well. 

She turned on her other side and groaned. Cracking sound of floor...

Her body was under heavy weight she couldn't move and her hand was held by strong painful grip.

 A horrible roar shook her heart. She felt a warm water between her legs. 

A bite went first to her right ear, she screamed and a cold liquid rolled down to her neck before her ear ripped off.  

A hit came next. Rapid series of hits stroke her face when the hits stopped coming she was like a drunk person but still recognized her surroundings. She cried. Blood mixed with tears wet her face.

Loud and strangled scream cut the silence of the darken night and then again the loons crying sound heard clearly. 

10days later:   

"I already told you what I know detective Miler"

Jed looked away. He definitely trying to hide the tears that were going to fall down to his face.

"I wanted to be sure Mr. Jed," detective Miler said comforting him. 

"Believe me. I want her back too." He replied.

"We will find her. We want to make sure you didn't across to anything these few day" detective Miler leaned back on his chair.

"The room was messy. Blood was everywhere. The torn off sheets and scratches on the floor. That what my eyes witnessed. "He sighted as if there was a heavy smoke inside him. 

"I should not left the cottage. I shouldn't left the cottage. It was just air. I wanted a fresh air. It's my fault" he shook his head and repeated like a broken record. 

"Now calm down Mr. Jed" detective Miler pour a glass of water and gave it to him. He drank it as if he did not drink anything in the pass few days. When Jed finished his glass, he sat still and calm.

The police arrived soon after Jed called them at that night. They suspected a bear could attacked her. They did search the woods but after 10 days of looking, they found some of her clothes ripped into pieces, but never found her.

 After the interrogation, Jed stood in front the lake behind the cottage where he and Evenin spent their night.

The moon was full this night. Loons and crockets cried like the other night. Wind gently danced with the grass. The air touched his face and the grass rubbed his feet. He opened his chest widely and took the fresh night air to his body. He stared at the lake.

"Thank you Evenin. I owe you one. You made me find my passion. I never thought I would feel so relieved once I find it. It was a pleasant thing to experience my first passion with you, although it was last one for you"

He smiled" I feel happy Evenin" and looked at the full moon reflecting off a lake.