Monday in Silicon Valley

March 23, 2020. 7:02 AM

From: Sam Wolff, CEO and Founder

To: All Employees

Re: IDEAS WANTED! :D

Hello Everyone from The Home Office of Your CEO!

As you know the economy is struggling through a little hiccup because of this silly virus. Some are even calling it a Crisis, but in here in Silicon Valley, Every Crisis is An Opportunity In Disguise! (Sun Tsu said that in The Art of War - great book, you should read it)

Here at GoldStmp, we live and breathe this Startup ethos! I want every GoldStmper to see this as our latest Big Opportunity to differentiate our Unique Value Proposition in the world of mobile-enabled crypto trading platforms! I want you to ignore the Doom-and-Gloomers on the fake news and see this only in a 1000000% positive light! After all, we don’t have anyone over 45 at GoldStmp and so we don’t have anything to worry about!

Starting today and for one week only, I will give a $500 prize (in Goldstmp trading credits) to the employee who submits the Best Idea for how to scale up our social media messaging about GoldStmp's Unique Value Proposition! And, New Rule: I don’t want to hear or see the word “virus” in any of our communications! 

Go Get It, GoldStmpers!!

Peace

Sam, CEO

--

TEXT MESSAGE

From: Irina, Chief Operating Officer

To: Sam

6:48 AM

Hi Sam can you call me about the email you just sent.

--

TEXT

From: Sam

To: Irina

6.50 AM

Hey girl! I'm heading into Yoga class! (why don't you ever join me BTW?) But I'll call you right after! Did you love my email?

--

TEXT

From: Irina

To: Wesley, Chief Technical Officer

6:55 AM

Hey Wes is there any chance you can mass-delete an email that Sam just sent to Everyone?

--

From: Welsey

To: Irina

Oh shit. What is it this time? But basically - No. We use Gmail. I can't magically mass-delete any torpedoes that Sam launches.

--

From: Irina

To: Wesley

Never mind then.

-----

March 23, 2020. 6.42 AM

From: Irina Chen, C.O.O.

To: All Employees

Re: Coronavirus

Hello everyone

I hope you are all safe and well during this very difficult time. Our focus as a company is to protect your safety, and the safety of our customers. Please continue to observe all safety protocols, prioritize your health, protect your families, and know that we are taking this very seriously as a company.

Best Regards

Irina Chen

----

March 23, 2020. 9.41 AM

From: Brad Whitehouse

To: Smith Garrett and All Employees

Dude, did you see the email Sam sent? I didn't think he could send a more stupid email than the one he sent last week but he fucking did it. Anyway, I'm gonna cut-and-paste some shit about how to scale up our dumbass value messaging from that Russian guy on LinkedIn. Might as well try to get $500 before this ship sinks.

Vietnamese food truck for lunch today?

--

TEXT

From: Smith Garrett

To: Brad Whitehouse

9.42 AM

You Replied-All, dickhead.

----

March 23, 2020. 10.00 AM

From: HR

To: Brad Whitehouse

Dear Brad

Thank you for your contributions to GoldStmp. Effective immediately, your employment is terminated. Please observe all instructions from the Offboarding Team who will be contacting you shortly.

--

TEXT

From: Tamryn Walton

To: Latisha Clark

10.24 AM

LOL another Douchebag bites the dust.

--

TEXT

From: Latisha

To: Tamryn

Yeah, one tree in a forest of douchebags though. Plus, Captain Douchebag himself is still steering the ship.

--

TEXT

From: Tamryn

To: Latisha

Why don't we quit and start our own thing? We're the only two ppl at this company who can write code and understand how crypto actually works

--

TEXT

From: Latisha

To: Tamryn

Because we would need to raise money -> because we don't have savings -> because we live in San Francisco.

--

TEXT

From: Tamryn

To: Latisha

I bet we could get 2-4M in seed funding. We have all the skills and experience. And we have a killer idea.

--

TEXT

From: Latisha

To: Tamryn

Yeah - but we also both have vaginas. Ever since Theranos collapsed,  funding for women founders is Canceled. And, I'm black. So even if I became a dude, we would still be DQ'd.

--

TEXT

From: Tamryn

To: Latisha

We could both pretend to be half-Asian??

----

March 23, 2020. 3:32 PM

From: Sam Wolff, CEO and Founder

To: All Employees

Re: Update

Hi Everyone

I just spoke to our investors, and it seems that while they truly love our Story and Vision, our burn rate is outside their comfort zone and they won't be kicking in any more money.

But here is where it gets exciting - we are now opening up a fantastic opportunity for You and Your Families and Your Contacts to invest in GoldStmp at the same valuation as our Series A Funding Round!

I know all this finance stuff is complicated, but all you really need to know is: this is the Best Deal Ever! For those of you who have more than $20K to invest in our beautiful company, contact me on my private email: CaptainSam@PeaceLoveAndMoney.name

--

TEXT

From: Irina Chen, C.O.O.

To: Tamryn, Latisha

4.02 PM

Hey Tamryn and Latisha, how close is Version 3 of our product to being finished?

--

TEXT

From: Latisha

To: Irina, Tamryn

It's basically done. Doing regression & load testing now but we don't expect any problems.

--

TEXT

From: Irina

To: Latisha, Tamryn

Good. If I could convince the investors to dump Sam, and the guys he hired in Sales & Marketing - and keep a core of good people - would you two stay on? I think we can pivot this thing into a Secure Payments Platform play. I could get you way more stock options, too.

--

TEXT

From: Tamryn

To: Latisha, Irina

We don't have any stock options now Irina. So anything you could get us would be great.

--

TEXT

From: Irina

To: Latisha, Tamryn

OMG. Well I can fix that :)

--

TEXT

From: Latisha

To: Tamryn

Shut up Tam!!

--

TEXT

From: Latisha

To: Irina, Tamryn

We should definitely talk, Irina. But given that Tamryn and I built 99% of this product from the ground up, we would want to start discussions at 4% of Issued Capital, fully vested. Each.

--

TEXT

From: Irina

To: Latisha, Tamryn

OK, that sounds a bit high, but let's talk.

----

TEXT

From: Sam

To: Irina

9.06 PM

Those motherfuckers on the Board just fired me!!! Did they say anything to you??

--

TEXT

From: Irina

To: Sam

9.07 PM

Sam, I was going to call you. The Board have asked me to take over as CEO. 

--

TEXT

From: Irina

To: Latisha, Tamryn

9.10 PM

I got you both 3% Fully Vested stock, a 20% salary raise, and a $100k Retention Bonus if you stay for 24 months. Sam is out. I’m the new CEO. Are you In?

--

TEXT

From: Latisha

To: Irina

9.20 PM

Me and Tam are In. So we’re pivoting to the Secure Payments thing? 

--

TEXT

From: Irina

To: Latisha

9.21 PM

Actually no. It’s going to be a Secure Health Records platform with an emphasis on integrating worldwide disease data with individual patient histories. To identify High-Risk people. Also we have a new name. “Helther”.

--

TEXT

From: Latisha

To: Irina

9.45 PM

Technically it’s no problem Irina, but this just feels like we’re taking advantage of the pandemic. Tam and I don’t know if we’re 100% happy with this.

--

TEXT

From: Irina

To: Latisha, Tamryn

10.30 PM

OK. How about 3.9% Fully Vested, a 35% raise and a $200K Retention Bonus each?

--

TEXT

From: Latisha

To: Irina

11.00 PM

We’re happy now. 

--

TEXT

From: Irina

To: Latisha, Tamryn