In Existence

I flopped down on the bed. Today had been perfect, but I was now exhausted. I guess it was true what my mother had said. Your wedding night might not be as exciting as you think, you may just both fall asleep, I recalled her saying. I looked at my now husband and he looked at me drowning amongst the skirts of my dress.

“Are you planning on sleeping in that?” He smirked.

“Yes,” I replied indignantly as I pulled one layer of skirts over my head to hide.

“Come here”

I lifted my eyes to meet his. There was something more in them after today, like the promises we made of forever. I could see that promise in his eyes. He lay on the bed beside me still in his tux and stroked my lips with a gentle kiss.

That is the last thing I remember about our wedding day.

-

I woke up to a thud and switched on the bedside light as it was not quite yet dawn.

“Pat, what are you doing?”

“Lina?” He looked at me strangely, his voice barely a whisper. He was beside me before I could blink, holding me tighter than he ever had before.

“Pat, what are you doing?” I said giggling and pushing him off.

“What is happening. You are here?” He held my face in his hands like he was trying to remember every detail.

“Pat, you are scaring me”

His hands started to shake as he backed away. He looked at me and then at his hand. He twisted his wedding ring on his finger and without looking up he asked, “we are still married?”

“Of course, just yesterday. What is going on?”

“I…I don’t remember us getting married” He looked up at me squinting like he was trying to find some small detail of long ago. “I don’t remember how we got here”

“Pat, you did not drink that much, just come back to bed” Perhaps he had one of those realistic dreams that feel real. I know they sometimes through me off.

He came and sat on the bed next to me and held my hand. “You can’t leave me?”

We locked eyes as we had just the night before. This time there was no promise. There was a deadness, like a man who had given everything and lost anyway. I instinctively pulled him to me and held him until we both fell asleep again.

This time when I woke, he was not there.

…

I had to leave as much as I wanted to stay. My mind was all a fuzz. I don’t remember our most important day, but I was having visions about a future that I did not want to see. Why can’t I remember what happened before today? As hard as I tried, I couldn’t remember our wedding day, our first date, anything that came in the 36 years before today.

I found our old car in the parking lot of the hotel, only it wasn’t our old car it was currently brand new but we kept it until it rusted through. I jumped in, thinking of going to our house. Then I remember my apartment? Is it my apartment? I see letters with the address and my name on it so I decide to head there.

-

I press the buzzer and a woman answers.

“Yes?”

“It’s Pat” This is Lina’s best friend Julia’s apartment. I don’t know how long she has lived here but we will share it.

“Oh, hi. What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for your honeymoon?”

“Can I come up?” I needed to see. To see the apartment that I know I will live in and figure out why.

“Sure”

She buzzed me up and stood to meet me in the doorway.

“Hi!” She said with a look I would come to know too well.

“Hi” I replied with what felt like a look of disgust. I quickly tried to mask it.

“Want a drink?” She asked as she stepped aside signalling for me to enter but not entirely giving me enough room to pass.

I step into the apartment and everything hits me like a blow to the stomach.

“Are you ok?”

“Yes” I snap

“What’s wrong with you?” She snapped. “Did you and Lina have a fight?”

“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” Shit. Stop it, Pat. She doesn’t know. It hasn’t happened yet. I could see it though, in her eyes. She did always want this. This is where end up trapped for most of the remainder of my life. All because Lina…I try to push the memory away. The memory of her leaving. That is when Julia sees her opportunity and pounces. I didn’t think it would go so badly for us both. She really thought that I would grow to love her but that emotion was reserved for one woman only.

-

I apologise and leave, heading to the park up the road after purchasing a notebook and pen from the stationers. I write. I write down all the dates I can remember. Not memories that have been and gone but dates of things that have not yet happened. I strain to remember something from before. I try to focus on recent events. Lina in her wedding dress. I don’t remember falling asleep but I woke. I woke next to her but with visions of our future years together. The future where she leaves me. I could feel all my emotions as though it had already happened. I look at the notebook and see that I have written in lines, just like a schoolchild having to write lines on a chalkboard, can I change it?  

I look at the dates, close the book and head back to the hotel.

-

I open the door gently and can hear Lina crying in the bathroom with her dress thrown across the floor. I feel a pain in my chest at hurting her. I stand in the doorway like a crazy person. I know what is about to happen, what I will say, how she will respond. It is not good.

Can I change it?

My memories show that I apologise and tell her how sorry I am and that it will never happen again, but I left her on our wedding morning. I must do something different. I have to try and see if these visions are a reality.

She hasn’t heard me come in, and as heartbreaking as it is for me to hear her sad, I decide to head to the lobby. I organise with the concierge to have a full breakfast sent to the room and ask if I can take one of the rose displays at the entrance. He looks at me strangely, so I give him a pleading look and he agrees. I bundle a few items from the gift shop together and head back to the room. I am hoping Lina is still in the bedroom.

I sneak back in and head to the bathroom. I grab the roses and pluck and scatter the petals everywhere and gently turn the taps on to fill the bathtub. I pour some of the oils I bought at the gift shop in and light a few candles. It is daylight but I think the effect still works. I head to the bedroom, my heart beating like a teenage boys. Well, it is how I assume it would beat, not having any recollection of my own teenage years at all. I knock on the door and slowly step in.

The look in her eyes when she looks up at me breaks my heart. I hope I have not caused her pain like this before.

“No, no Lina, please don’t be sad. I have been setting up a surprise.”

“A surprise?”

I hold out my hand to her and she suspiciously takes it. I lead her to the bathroom and open the door. She lets out a little happy sob.

“You could have left me a note”

“I am so sorry” I reply. “I promise I will if I ever need to surprise you again”

She giggles. A sound that I love and miss all at the same time.

“What are you giggling about”

“Nothing”

“That is not your nothing giggle!”

“It is just, it’s just that Mr Practical Pat doesn’t normally do things out of the ordinary. I didn’t know you could be romantic” She looked at me with gentle eyes.

In our life together from this moment, all I had seen was our happiness and love. Sure, we would fight and have heartache but there was a burning love we shared. Did I not propose to her in a romantic way?

“Tell me about my wedding proposal?”

“Pat, why, you were there!” She giggles again as she hops into the bath.

“I know, but I want to hear what it was like from your perspective”

“Okay, well I had been waiting for you to propose for a long time. Years Pat!”

“Alright, get on with it!” We laughed.

“I actually had wondered whether you would. I had chatted with Julia about it about whether to keep waiting or move on”

That hurt and I also bet Julia was pushing for the later.

“Then one day we went to that place where you go for all your business dinners and you placed the ring on the table and said “It is time, don’t you think?” and I said yes”

“Why?” I was suddenly very angry at myself. Here was the most wonderful woman I would ever know and I proposed to her like it was a business deal.

“Why did I say yes?”

“Yes”

“Because I love you”

“You should have slapped me and told me to have done better”

“Ok” She said as she gently slapped me with her wet hand. “You should have done better”

I grabbed her hand and took off her ring.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

I got on one knee and held the ring up to her and said, “Lina, you are the love of my life, I am an idiot for waiting so long but I don’t want to waste another minute. Will you do this idiot that honour of becoming my wife?”

“Yes” She replied and held out her hand. I kissed her like I had never kissed her in the future and possibly like I had never done before.

The future I saw meant that we did not have much time together. I knew then and there that I wanted to fix everything I could have done better for her in the past. Maybe if I could do that then the future could be changed. Like this perfect morning. I had no memory of it and yet here it was now in existence.