The Announcer’s Wife: Caught Cheating at the Cowboys Game

Mike: And it’s third down, Dallas is about to snap the ball.

Doug: Listen to this crowd, they are trying to will their Cowboys to victory.

Mike: The ball is snapped, Prescott rolls out right, tosses over the middle, and it’s caught! First down, Dallas!

Producer: Camera four, let's cut to some fan shots.

Mike: Timeout Dallas with 2:45 to go in the third quarter. We’ll be right back, folks—

Doug: WAIT, Laura?!

Mike: I know we spend a lot of time together, but I’m not your wife…

Doug: No! That’s Laura! Kissing a guy in a cowboy hat!

Mike: A cowboy hat like the team?

Doug: No, like one of those wide-brimmed western hats.

Producer: Go to break! Go to break!

Mike: We’ll be back in thirty, don’t go anywhere!

Doug: Where was that?! Where in the stadium?!

Mike: Calm down, I’m sure it’s a misunderstanding.

Doug: Calm down? You’re really telling me to calm down when I just saw my wife cheating on me on live TV?!

Producer: We’re going to need someone to fill in for Doug.

PA: I’ll see if anyone’s available from the booth.

Producer: Quickly!

Mike: Where are you going? We’re back in 10 seconds.

Doug: I’m going to call her.

Producer: Back in 3, 2, 1…

Mike: Welcome back, folks. It’s first and ten, Dallas has the ball at midfield, trailing the Bears by 11.

Producer: Camera four, do you have eyes on the fan from earlier?

Camera four: You mean Dougie’s wife?

Producer: Yes.

Camera four: I got ’em. You want me to switch over?

Producer: No, just tell me what’s happening.

Camera four: It looks like she’s on the phone.

Mike: What a throw by Prescott! First and goal for the Cowboys!

Camera four: She’s getting out of her seat, moving quickly. She’s running up the stands, and… I lost her.

PA: I got CJ to fill in for Doug.

Producer: Ugh, he sucks. Send him over.

Camera four: Oh shoot. It’s Doug!

Producer: What?

Camera four: He’s running down the stands. He just missed Laura.

Mike: Dallas is stuffed at the 1-yard line and it’s fourth down. Oh … okay. Folks, I’m now going to be joined by former NFL quarterback, CJ Clark.

CJ: Great to be here with ya, Mitch.

Mike: CJ, do you think Dallas should go for it here on fourth down?

CJ: Well, I’ll tell ya what, Dallas has the ball at the one-yard line and that means they might go for it, or they might just kick the field goal and make it a 7-point game.

Mike: Well said, CJ. But it would be an 8-point game.

CJ: Agree to disagree there. Here we go.

Mike: Yup, Dallas has brought the offense back onto the field. It looks like they’ll be going for it.

Camera four: Sir, we have Doug yelling at the guy with the cowboy hat.

Producer: Jesus, give me the play-by-play.

Camera four: Doug is moving his hands up and down all angry. His face is turning bright red.

Mike: Prescott hands off to the back—

Camera four: Doug just flicked his hat!

Producer: Did it stay on?

Camera four: No! It fell off. It hit a really heavy guy a few rows in front of them.

Mike: Touchdown Dallas! Hold on to your hats, folks, we have a one-score game.

Camera four: Now the big guy is looking for them.

Producer: What’s Doug doing?

Camera four: He keeps swinging his arms like, “I can’t believe what you’re doing to me here.”

Mike: CJ, what do you think’s going to happen the rest of the way? Do you think Dallas can finish the comeback, or will the Bears hold onto the lead?

CJ: Well, it’s anyone’s game at this point. But if I had to guess, I think it’s over.

Mike: You do?

CJ: Yup. Once your lady steps out on ya, it’s hard to get her back. Even if it’s to a bald cowboy.

Producer: He did not just say that! Mike, you gotta shut him up.

Mike: That’s quite a metaphor. We’ll be back in five, don’t change that channel.

Producer: And break. CJ, you can’t talk about that again!

CJ: But the people want to know what’s happening.

Producer: They’re here to watch the game.

CJ: No, check Twitter. Doug’s all anyone’s talking about.

PA: He’s right. #DougsWife is trending.

Producer: Okay, let’s remember Doug is our colleague, and we are to remain professional.

Mike: Yes, of course.

Camera four: Guys! Doug and the Cowboy are on the move! They’re heading up the stands, into the concourse.

Producer: Together?!

Camera four: It appears that way.

Producer: Don’t lose them. The social team will want this.

PA: Sir, we’re back in 10.

Mike: Welcome back to Dallas. It’s the start of the fourth quarter with the Cowboys trailing by four.

CJ: The Bears are about to get the ball and they’re going to want to score here.

Mike: Right you are. Here’s the kickoff—

Camera four: They found Laura!

Producer: Where was she?

Camera four: She was waiting in line for a hot dog.

Producer: Was she close to ordering?

Camera four: No, it’s a huge line.

PA: Sir, do you want me to get you a hot dog?

Producer: Yes, duh, obviously.

Camera four: Okay, Laura is gesturing with her arms at the Cowboy.

Producer: Gesturing? You mean like she’s saying she doesn’t know who he is?

Camera four: No, it’s more like an “it’s not what you think” kinda gesture.

Mike: And Dallas gets a big stop on third down! The Bears will punt the ball with just under 10 minutes to go in the game.

CJ: I think the game is going to come down to these last 10 minutes, Mike.

Mike: And who do you think has the advantage?

CJ: Well, I think the Bears had a lead, but sometimes those can slip away from you if you’re not careful.

Mike: What can the Bears do to hold off the Cowboys?

CJ: You gotta make sure you’re valuing the ball. Let it know how much it means to you all the time, so that it doesn’t step out on ya for some Cowboy.

Mike: CJ … Let’s keep the conversation to what’s happening on the field.

Camera four: Oh my god! Laura is pointing to her stomach!

Producer: Like she’s hungry because she never got her hot dog?

Camera four: No, she just waved her hand over her belly making a baby bump motion.

Producer: I see…

Camera four: Doug is mad. He’s turning red and he just flicked the guy’s hat off again.

Producer: Does it seem like the Cowboy is the father?

Camera four: I’m not sure. She’s saying something, but I don’t have a good angle.

Mike: Dallas is driving with 5 minutes to go. They need a touchdown to take the lead.

CJ: A touchdown would be the ideal outcome for the Cowboys here.

Mike: Astute observation, CJ. Here we go, first down at the Bears’ 30-yard line.

Producer: Camera six, do you have an angle on Doug and Laura?

Camera six: Yes, sir.

Producer: Can you tell what she’s saying?

Camera six: She is either saying it’s yours or it’s his.

Producer: Which is it?

Camera six: I’m not sure. Doug looks really angry, though.

Producer: So the baby is probably the Cowboy’s?

Mike: Dallas gets the ball to the five-yard line of Chicago with 45 seconds to go! Wow, what a finish!

Camera six: Doug is moving towards her. The Cowboy is right behind him.

Mike: Prescott drops back, fakes a handoff, and he is running for the end zone!

Producer: What’s happening?

Camera six: A hug!

Mike: A fumble! Dallas has fumbled the ball and the Bears scoop it up!

Producer: Wow! So it’s Doug’s?

Camera six: I believe so.

Mike: What a finish! CJ, what do you make of what just happened?

CJ: That was a wild ride! I really didn’t think the Bears were gonna pull it off, but I guess a baby really changes things.

Mike: I … um … Doug! Hey, welcome back.

Producer: CJ, give him your mic.

Doug: Sorry about that, everyone, I had a bad hot dog before the game.

Mike: No worries. We’re glad to have you back. And to everyone at home, thanks for sticking with us. The Bears take the game 24–20 over the Cowboys. See you next week for the game between the Patriots and Jets.

Doug: Hopefully, the Patriots won’t cheat this time.

Producer: CUT!