The Scare

“Oh my God, what is that? Honey, come here and feel this and tell me what you think” she says.

“Sure. You don’t have to ask me twice to touch your breast.” he replies.

“Very funny. No, this is serious. Right here on the right side, right next to the nipple. Do you feel that?”

“I do. It kind of feels like a pea, or a bee bee” he says.

“I know and I think that is bad. I remember going to some health fair once and they had these silicone boobs on the table that you could touch. One was normal and one was not. The abnormal one felt like this” she said.

“Maybe it’s just a tight muscle. Did you focus on your chest in your workouts this week? Try moving your arm and see if it moves too” he says in response.

“Ok, keep your hand there. Did it move?” she asks.

“No honey, it didn’t move. Could it be clogged milk duct or something?” he asks in response.

“It’s been almost a year and half since I breastfed, there is no way it is a clogged milk duct. Remember when she was first born, I had one and my boob was red and painful. This isn’t painful” she replies.

“How did you find it?” he asks

“I was in the shower just now and randomly decided to do those self checks women are supposed to do every month. I am terrible at remembering to do them and I hate touching my boobs. You know they have always been so sensitive”.

“Oh yes, I am well aware. You never let me touch them. So, honestly this is kind of a treat” he says.

“Seriously Javier? Not the time. What do I do?” she asks.

“Well, don't panic. You don’t have a family history, it could be anything. I think you should call your doctor and get an appointment to get it checked out. Crap, the baby is up from her nap. I’ll get her, you get dressed” he responds. 

“What if it’s not “nothing”? I am only twenty-nine with an eighteen-month old daughter. I can’t die” she says.

“Hey now, you’re not going to die. It’s all going to be ok. Oh, babe, don’t cry. Tears won’t help. Let’s get some answers” he says.

“Shit, I am so scared. I am so bad at doing those exams. I mean, it’s once a month while I am already in the shower. And there is a plastic hanger there to remind me. Why couldn’t I do them? What if it’s too late? Oh my God!” she whimpers between sobs. 

“Please don’t go there, beating yourself up will do no good, we will figure it out once we have some information. I know you are scared, but stressing yourself out now really won’t do any good, Belinda. I need to get Isabella, we’ll be right downstairs. Just take a few minutes and pull yourself together”.

“Pull myself together? Fine. I don’t want to scare her. I will call tomorrow and get the soonest appointment.”

***********

“Well, it is definitely something Belinda” the doctor says. "I feel what you were talking about, right here at the nipple line. I can’t rule out anything by feel so we should order a mammogram and ultrasound.”

“Ok” she says.

“Now, I know this is scary and your tears are to be expected. But the chance of cancer is very small. You have no family history and you are young. We are going to be aggressive with this and the best thing to do is to get these tests done, then we will have a plan. I will write the order and send it to Imaging. You work here, you know the drill. They will call you and arrange an appointment. Plus, as an employee you may get in faster,” the doctor says. 

“Ok, but really I don’t want any special treatment” she replies.

“Belinda, being an employee at a hospital and knowing people has some perks. You are going to drive yourself crazy with the ‘what-if’s’ until you have answers. Don’t do that if you can avoid it. Take the special treatment this one time” he replies. 

“Ok, I will, thank you” she says.

“And no crying.” the doctor responds.

*************

“Hello, this is Belinda” she answers into the phone.

“Hey Belinda, it’s Norman. We have an order for you for a mammo and ultrasound. I’m trying to get you on the schedule this week. Are you in? Will you be able to walk over?” the manager of the Imaging department says.

“Yes, I am. But please, don’t put off any other patients because of me. I don’t want any special treatment.”

“I won’t, I promise. And Belinda you are family in this place, we will get you in this week. And don’t be scared, you know the risks are very small for you” he says.

“I know. Everyone keeps telling me not to be scared, I’m not sure what other emotion you all think I should be feeling. Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude. Thank you.” she replies.

“No apology is necessary. I will talk to you soon” he replies before ending the call.

**************

“It sounds like they can get me in for the mammo this week” she says.

“Well that is good. The perks of working at a hospital right?” he replies. 

“Yes, I guess. But I hope they don’t delay another patient because of me.” she says.

“I am sure they won’t. But the sooner we have more information the sooner you can relax knowing it is nothing and move on with your life. Are we still taking Isabella to the ‘Thomas the Train’ thing this this weekend?” he asks.

“Oh yes, I had totally forgotten. I don’t really want to, but I guess I should enjoy every moment right?” she says.

“Stop. You are not dying. That attitude is not helpful” he says.

“Easy for you to say. You are not the one with ‘something’ in your right breast” she says.

“Hey, that’s not fair. I am just as concerned as you, but until we have a reason to be scared we can’t think that way” he says.

“Seriously, I think I have the right to be worried. It’s my body. Just, ugh, I can’t right now. I am going to bed" she says.

“Belinda, come on. Don't be mad at me. I am just trying to think positively” he says.

“Well think positively to yourself, I am going to focus on reality and plan accordingly. That is what I do, why change now? Good night” she says.

*************

“Is this your first mammogram Belinda?” the technician asks as she walks her into the room.

“Yes, it is. I thought I would have to wait until I was forty to have this experience” she replies. “Is it as bad as people say?”

The technician replies “everyone is different. It depends on the structure of your breasts. Yours are a medium, normal size. Women with very small breasts or very large breasts seem to experience the most discomfort. Go ahead and remove your right arm from the robe and we will start with that side.”

“Ok. Do I stand in that box?” she says.

“Yep. Ok cold hand, sorry about that, I just need to position you for the machine to get the best view. Ok, here comes the squish. Once we are set you will hold your breath for a minute while I get the image” the technician instructs her.

“Ok. Ouch” she says trying not to wince.

“I know it sucks and you did great. Now I need a side view, so turn your body to the left a little bit and place your hand here, not too tight, just to balance. Ok, here we go" the technician says. “And you are done! Now for the left side, let’s do it again”.

“Well that was not as bad as I expected. In my head I had imagined it was going to be the worst pain ever. But I guess after having a baby it’s all relevant, right?” she asks.

“That is very true and a good way to put it in perspective. Ok, you are all done here. I will take you back to the waiting room until they are ready for the ultrasound. You did great, those tears are ok, it’s scary. Here’s a tissue and let me help you with the robe to protect your modesty out there” the technician says.

“Ha! Modesty, another thing you take less seriously after having a baby” she replies. "And thank you for not telling me to not be scared. I have heard a lot of that recently".

“Right? We are never the same after tons of people are all looking at a baby coming out of our vagina. So showing your boobs to strangers now is no sweat!” the technician replies. "And you're welcome".

“One hundred percent agree. Thanks, I needed that giggle right now” she says.

“I know you do honey, I know.” the technician says.

*************

“Oh, um, ok. I need to go get the radiologist. Let me cover you up. I will be right back” the ultrasound technician says.

“What? Why? Is something wrong?” she asks.

“I can’t talk to you about it, I’m sorry. It will just be a minute” the ultrasound technician says as she leaves the room.

“Yep, that is definitely not a cyst” the radiologist says. “But you are young and have no family history, right? I think we should just watch it for six months and see if it changes. We’ll send the information over to the doctor and they can take it from here. I am sure everything will be fine.”

“I’m sorry, what? It’s not a cyst and you want me to just watch it for six months? What is it then?” she replies.

“I don’t know what it is, I just know it is not a cyst. They look very different. But we will get you scheduled for the follow-up in six months, the front desk staff can help. I need to go see the next patient. I am sure you will be fine” the radiologist replies.

“Oh my God, I mean, what does this mean?” she says

“I’m sorry. His bedside manner can be really insensitive sometimes. He’s a man. Please talk to your doctor, there are alternative next steps. His is just one opinion” the technician replies. 

**************

“It’s not a fucking cyst. Oh my God, oh my God. What do I do? I can’t die Javier. I am twenty-nine. I have a toddler. This isn’t fair. Oh my God. He said to watch it for six months because of my age. People die following that advice, what do I do?” she says into the phone.

“You call your doctor and say that doesn’t work for you. Belinda, you’re not going to die” he responds.

“Stop saying that, stop placating me. You don’t know that!” she says.

“Belinda you are getting hysterical. Take a breath. He’s right, you have a lot of positives on your side. Call your doctor, discuss it with her. Don’t panic” he says. 

“Stop fucking telling me not to panic. This is my body, my life. I can panic if I want too. I will call the doctor” she says. 

****************

“Nope, we are not waiting. We are taking it out if you want it out. It’s an easy procedure and regardless of the pathology, it will be out and you won’t have to feel it every time you touch your breast” the doctor says. 

“Yes, I want it out. As soon as possible. Why would he say that? People die from that crappy advice” she says.

“Well, he is just presenting an opinion based on your age and history. But, you are right, it is your body and you should do what you feel comfortable doing. And I’m telling you, I have removed thousands of these and it’s not cancer. It is probably a fibroadenoma, which is benign. But let’s get it out anyway” the doctor says.

“Yes, please and as soon as possible” she replies.

“What is the recovery like?” he asks.

“Easy. She will be sore at the incision site for a couple of days. Then no lifting anything over 5 pounds for two weeks. And no vigorous exercise. You can walk, but no running and no weightlifting” the doctor replies.

“Ugh, that’s going to be almost impossible for me. But ok, don’t need a ripped stitch" she says.

“No, you don’t. Also, do not start writing a will or planning your funeral. Javier, don’t let her go there. That is not where we are headed. Trust me. If this is anything but an adenoma I will be shocked” the doctor says.

“Ok doctor, I won’t do that now. But I am still going to worry about it until it is out of my body” she says.

“In that case, walk upstairs to schedule and see how quick we can get you in. See you soon. And no funeral planning!” the doctor replies.

***********

“The pathology report says it is just what I thought, a fibroadenoma. Totally normal and benign” the doctor says.

“Oh thank God. Thank you God! And thank you for taking it out. I haven’t slept well in weeks” she replies. 

“I know, that’s common. The bad news is that your breast tissue is really dense which means that this is probably not the last time you will have to deal with these. It’s really important you do your monthly exams, but don’t panic if you find something. Just do what you did this time and get on it” the doctor says. “Oh, and you were talking during surgery. About work”.

“Oh shit, what did I say?” she asks.

“You were totally incoherent babbling about something. It’s all good, you didn’t give away any secrets” she says.

“That would just be the icing on the cake for this situation” she replies. 

“Your incision is healing perfectly,” the doctor says. “The stitches should dissolve in a few more days and your scar will fade eventually. Remember, no lifting for two weeks. If anything changes call the office and we will get you in right away. You’re going to be fine. Live your life Belinda.”

“Thank you doctor. Thank you so much” she says.