a promise times more

My fingers trembled as I accepted the call.

    “Hello?” I said shakily into the phone.

    “Aiden?” I called out adjusting my voice, as I prayed for him not to question. Crossing my fingers and pleading for him to mishear my quaver. But it never really helped, because he always asked. And if it wasn’t loud, then it was quiet in his silence. Making every year the same excruciating moment of pain, webbing out from my annual lie.

    Because the mind has a funny way of making sure we never lose thoughts as hurtful as these. Turning us into slaves against them. So with every new stall, the closer I get to telling him the tiniest shred of truth, easing my way into dropping the tiniest piece of pain I’d endured, from keeping it from him in the first place. Because now, I am a slave, a slave to my past, and my own problems. And the only one holding the key to my demise is the same person who got me here,... Myself.

    “Yeah, I’m just feeling a little sick,... No, no I’ll be at school,... Yeah I know,... Mmhmm,” I said, as the images flashed behind my eyes, in routine. But today was the exception of letting them consume me. Because today was the memory of them. 

2/17/16 

3 Years Ago

I felt my lips stretch into a smile as I raised my cup.

   “To the best day ever!” I laughed.

   “To the most amazing group of friends, a guy could ever get.” Sam grinned.

   “To the greatest amazing most awesome group!” I giggled as we toasted. 

   “I’ll never forget this, guys,... Ever.” Hailey smiled.

CURRENT TIME

    “I know what you're going to say,...” He said as the pull of my trance subsided.

    “I’m going to need you to listen to me,...” He lowered his voice, as his monotone, dragged me under a melancholy induced waltz through my mind. Making my footfalls drop its grace at an eruption at some of my toughest memories. Causing my trance to become suffocating, as it burned my eyes with desperation, as I crashed unto the bed. But at the strength of the flow, I was forced by my own will, to watch and repeat the process of my heart breaking within itself, once again.

11/14/18 

1 year ago

    “Hmm?” I mumbled as I refocused into the conversation.

    “I swear, wherever that little world you go off to is, take me with you when exams come around.” He smiled as he nudged me.

    “But I’m serious, are you ok?” 

No, I wanted to say, not in the least. 

     “Yeah, totally. I’m fine.” I winced, as my lie left a trail of fire along my tongue.

    “And by fine, you mean not fine? Come on Lyn, I know when you're upset, just tell me what’s up.” He said as he dropped his smile. Creating an extra pressure as my heart twisted for every excuse that left me. Because I wasn’t fine, nowhere near to be exact, not even close to being ok.

   “Look, Aiden, I’m fine I’m just,... Homesick, that’s all.” I lied again, as I squeezed my fingers in desperation.

   “Homesick? Really? Is that the best excuse you could give me?” He sighed as he fell back against the couch.

   “Honestly Lyn, I worry about you. Ever since we met, you always seemed...” He trailed, as he looked at me.

   “But,... I can’t help you if you won’t help me, Lyn,... And you know that.”

   “What?” I asked as I caught his pause. 

   "What were you going to say?” My heart panged as my emotions slipped through my fingers.

   “Lyn,...” He said steadily as his voice tipped my edge.

   “No, Aiden, what were you going to say? That I seemed weird? A freak? Broken beyond repair?” I choked out as I lost it. Letting go of the hold I had on my mind, as the memories and feelings came back at a speed and intensity too great to channel right back.

    “Stop it, Lye.” He demanded as he grabbed my arms sitting up.

    “Stop what? Saying what you can’t? What you think of me?” I voiced automatically as I revisited another moment from my haunting past as I blanked out completely.

4/2/16

3 Years Ago

    My heart thudded against my ribs as I stared him down. What did he mean? Why is he doing this? I thought, as his face twitched with irritation.

    “I don't understand. I was just,..” I trailed as his grip tightened, both his hands and face. 

    “Don’t talk like that, ever.” He lowered his voice as people began to stare. 

    “I-I’m not some child you need to control Wes. I did nothing wrong.” I hissed through pursed lips, as I attempted to hide my confusion. 

    “Just,..” He seethed through his now clenched teeth, as he recollected himself into his cocoon, of nonchalant.

    “I want people to look at you in awe, not... concern.” He smiled, slowly as he pulled me into an embrace. But his stance was stiff and his motions felt off. And I couldn’t help but feel the sting of his comment. I want people to look at you in awe, not concern. I just couldn’t understand, all I did was speak to Sam and Hailey. All I did was confront them on how I felt.

11/14/18

1 Year Ago

      Coming back from the flashback, Aiden had spoken, was speaking rather. And my face was slick with tears, as I decided to let my feelings go and listen. Because the possibility of Aiden treating me the same as him were small, right?

    “When we first met Lye, I needed to know you. I needed to confirm that you were the one I’ve been waiting for. I needed to make sure you weren’t fake. Lye, when we first met, I’ll admit it, you were shy, quiet, and you avoided everyone,... But under that,... I saw something.” 

     “What,..? What do yo-,...?” I started before he hushed me, as he held my face gently within his hands.

    “When you laughed for the first time I-,...” He cleared his throat as the final tears dried from my eyes. But seeing him clearly for the first time I was met by a flushed face and anticipation.

    His movements were calculated, and they were calm despite the small tremors as he stroked his thumb under my lip. But as his pause endured, the small fiery touch sent butterflies flying within me. Dissipating, the prodigious pull of my own mind, desperately trying to drag me back into the past, and diminishing a part of that fear that crept up behind it.

    “When you laughed,...” He began again, as he looked into my eyes with newfound strength and depth.

    “I saw through you. I saw through your shyness and quietness, I saw who you really were, who you really are,... And I... I felt something in me change, something grow. I felt something I’ve never felt before... I felt...” He trailed as I leaned forward, stealing the space away from us.

    But as his face began to morph his last phrase, I stole the words from his mouth, but it was that small part of fear speaking when my lips sealed both the unspoken truth and the unspoken end. So, as fast as the moment came, with the same quickness, it left.

   “Aiden,...” I mumbled as I pulled away, bracing for the blow I was about to release, as he looked at me in concern.  

  “I can’t,... I can’t do this.” I swallowed as my voice broke.

    “You can’t do what?” 

    “This... A relationship,... We need to be friends... We have to be,... I’m sorry…” I murmured, heartbroken from my proposal.

    “I’m sorry,...” I whispered as he rubbed my back, while tears refilled in my eyes.

    “Ok,... Ok.” He said as he released me.

    “Ok.” He said again as he grabbed his coat. 

    “Where are you going?” I squeaked as he rose.

    “Either on this floor or that nice spare room, you got back there.” He smiled sadly.

    “You mean you're not leaving?” I breathed.

    “What kind of friend will I be if I did?” He winced.

CURRENT TIME

    A hot tear streamed down my face as I stared at my phone in silence, listening to Aiden’s voice on the other end. But that was all I heard, not phrases or words, just his voice, so I didn’t respond. But even if I could understand I still wouldn’t. Because right now I’m not me. Not the old me, and not the me I wanted to be, but somewhere nowhere near my choices. So I looked away, and focused on something else entirely.