One Loopy Tale

“In the middle of the journey of our life I came to myself in a dark wood where the straight way was lost.” -Dante Alighieri’s ‘The Divine Comedy’-

So there I was, lying on the ground, wings not working. I had inhaled too much of the deadly, dreadful, gaseous substance. It was like a poison of some sort. We never suspected the attack, it was a surprise or something to that extent. I thought, “Surely, I am going to die. I will be dead before I have any chance to hook up with the queen and live a long life of 100% bliss with her and make all her dreams come true and be able to help her lay those 10,950,000 eggs each year. I can’t believe that I am going to go out like this. Why me?”

Then I saw him, or rather me. It was like I was looking into a mirror, a mirror that didn’t move along with my movements. It was actually quite disturbing.

“Who are you?” I asked. I was terrified. He looked exactly like me and I couldn’t tell why. But when he spoke, I was about to pee myself. He sounded exactly the same as me. The deep, sexy baron monotone voice. I didn’t know how this was possible, then he said this.

“Look, I know you are scared, but let me tell you something before you scream like a Periplaneta.”

“I most definitely was not going to do that! Wow! Pfft… You thought I was gonna scream like a female cockroach. I was not going to do that,” I responded, wiping away tears that were definitely tears of joy and totally not tears of terror.

“Mhmm… Look, I’m you from the future. I was sent to help you to reverse the outcome of this war against the human race. A war that would make us termites the superior species on this planet called Earth.”

“I thought it was ‘Woodlandia,’ at least that’s what the teacher in school said,” I responded.

“Sorry, that IS what it’s called. I’ve just been- wait we need to stay focused!! I was sent back into the past to help reverse the outcome of this war. But as you can tell, I’m a little bit too late,” he said.

“A little? Kugh. Kugh. Please excuse the coughing. This gas is making it a little hard to breathe. Almost as if it was created just to kill me or something.”

“Oh right. Here, take this mask. It will help you breathe in the sulfuryl fluoride.”

“The what?”

“The ga- it doesn’t matter. But listen, I need you to take this device. It will help you travel back in time. When you go back into the past, you must work your way back to THIS very colony. You must make it in time or else we will be defeated once again. You must be quick. You will have approximately one day to fix this. Maybe you will be the first to right this terrible wrong.”

“Wait! The first? How long have you, or I, or me been doing this? I’m so confused!”

“I know you are confused. It will all make sense. Ok? Also this has been going on for hundreds of thousands of years.”

“How will I be able to-?”

“No more questions! It is time for you to go! Goodbye, Terri Mite. And good luck. You will need it. Oh!! And you will have a very foggy memory of everything that has happened to you in the past 24 hours except for the instructions I have just given you.”

All of a sudden there was a bright light and then everything vanished and went black. When I opened my eyes, I realized that I had next to no memory. All I could remember was that my name is Terri Mite and that I had a very important mission as the savior of the nest. Now I just needed to find it. From what I could vaguely recollect from my slightly boggled cranium, I was about a mile or two outside of the biggest termite colony in all of Woodlandia, “The Colony of Colin,” which also happened to be where I’ve grown up my entire life there.

“Now all I have to do is go into the colony and make the queen believe everything that I say and win her heart. Maybe then she will believe what I have to say. Maybe she’s that desperate for a male termite to make eggs with.”

I then entered into my homeland and made my way to the throne room. Along the way, I saw more crime than I had remembered there being in this grand ole’ colony. And it was not petty little crimes like eating the side of a building or laying eggs in public. This was the BIG STUFF. For example, one termite was caught saying that he didn’t eat wood and another one was caught saying that he identified as an ant. Needless to say, they’ll spend a lot of time near some VERY HUNGRY anteaters for saying such AWFUL things.

Eventually, I made it to the palace. I then went up and met my celebrity crush, the queen. I realized that I needed to seem funny because, well, you know, all famous women are shallow. And she is BY FAR the most famous termite around. Well, in this colony at least. Anyways, I decided I needed to come up with a waggish pick-up line to say with the intent of making her fall in love with me. You know, a little something extra to push over the edge and make me her mite. The following is what I came up with: “Hey, are you a piece of wood? Cause you lookin like a snack.”

Well, to make a long story short, I got into the palace and then she was apparently having a “hunky pageant” to find a future mate and I got a little sidetracked. The pick-up line got me thrown out, by the way. They said it was because it was too creepy or something like. I don’t know. I think it was because the judges were jealous of my good looks and I made them feel insecure.

Anyways, after a few hours of waiting, I returned to the dirt palace and talked to the queen. As I stood there waiting in front of a couple of greasy, slimy, beefy termite guards, I tried to think of the best way to try to get her to help me fix the future. But somehow, somehow, I had this overwhelming feeling of deja-vu. Do I know where it came from? No, no I don’t. But I just knew something was going to happen. Whether good or bad, I was about to find out within the next few minutes. Or seconds. It was hard to tell with the line ahead of me, a line that consisted of literally no insects. Luckily for me, termites go first in this colony. Speciesist, I know, but I don’t really have time to worry about those problems right now. That would come in the future. Right now, it was time to save a colony.

Finally, I was called to see my sugar maple, the queen. It had been nearly 22 hours since I had woken up and had this strange sense of duty and responsibility, so I knew that I now had to hurry.

“Next!”

Now was my chance to reverse the future that I came to fix, but couldn’t even remember.

“Oh in the name of all things made of wood!! Who let him in here?!?”

That was the queen. I think that was a good sign. I mean, who doesn’t like wood?!? Also, she remembers me, which is also a good sign.

“Oh, so you remember me,” I said. My heart was thumping. I couldn’t stop secreting substances from my body. I was in front of the queen of all things woody and she remembered me.

“Uh yeah, I remember you. You were the only one thrown out of the competition because of something you said. By the way, I was deeply disturbed and traumatized.”

She likes me.

“Look, my scrumptious slab of oak, right now I don’t have the time to tempt your thoughts of us being romantically entangled with a Terrific-Mite such as myself. We have bigger splinters on which to nibble. There is a surprise attack coming toward our lovely colony. We must be prepared to fight back. We must train our troops to take on the powerful threat known as “The Exterminator.” He has weapons our kind has never seen before. He wears an odd suit with some weird face mask. I am telling you that this colony’s future is all in your pincers. Please trust me!! It will all be over in two hours!!”

“Two things,” said my future lover, the queen, “first thing, we are not going to be in love. Never! You hear me?!? Never!!!”

“Depends on who you ask. Listen, I know you’re just playing hard to get.”

“Ugh!!!! Forget it. Second, we will give you THE ABSOLUTE WORST- uh I mean I’m ‘totally’ giving you the best of the army to take on this ‘threat’ simply because you look like a jester- I mean a uh um prophet. Do what you can with them and, if the threat is real, then woodspeed to you, Jerri Mite.”

“Umm… My name is Terri Mite.”

“Whatever. Now go!!”

So within the next hour and 50 minutes, I trained the best of the best in the greatest termite military ever to be able to withstand the attack. But even with the knowledge of the upcoming surprise attack I had no idea of when it was going to come.

But then… It came…

We never suspected it. They came in with the speed of a dragonfly! They gassed us up like they were some bombardier beetles. We never stood a chance. The entire army was dead, and it was all my fault. I decided that I would spend my last breaths inhaling this gas and thinking about how maybe this could have gone better. But I could not think of anything. In fact, it hurt to think. I knew for sure that this was going to be the worst death an insect could endure. I knew that there was no more use in fighting. I. Was going to be. Dead.