WHEN YOU GET TO MY AGE

WHEN YOU GET TO MY AGE

“Morning.”

“Good morning, how are you today?”

“Bordering on absolutely brilliant.”

“Good for you. Me too.”

“In that case good for you, too.”

“Thank you. Anywhere I can direct you to today?”

“Well, when you get to my age it’s always handy to know where the toilets are.”

“Sure. They’re that way at the end of the store.”

“Just as well I went before I came, then.”

“Oh! Okay. Anywhere else I can direct you to?”

“My wife says that pests are attacking her roses but I swear it’s not me.”

“Oh! Ha ha. Pest control is in aisle 15.”

“Thank you.”

“Do you need a trolley?”

“Yes, preferably one that’s motorized.”

“We don’t have any, sorry. We have ride-on lawnmowers for sale but I think management would be rather unimpressed if I let you loose in here on one of those.”

“Pity.  I’d have enjoyed that.”

“I can well imagine, but if you were to mow down any of our customers that wouldn’t be very good for business, would it?”

“I’d be very selective.”

“Ha ha. Glad to hear it, but the answer is still no.”

“Okay, then. You can’t blame an old guy for trying.”

“Hmmm, maybe old, but kinda cute.”

“I’ll bet you say that to all the old geezers that come in here.”

“No, only the special ones.”

“Well, my mother always said I was special... or was that special needs?”

“Ha ha! You have a good day, now.”

“I’ll try and do as I’m told. So it looks like I’ll have to lean on one of those manually operated trolleys there.”

“’Fraid so.”

“Okay, thank you...

...Oops, sorry, young man, either the steering in this trolley is bad or I need to hand in my driver’s license.”

“That’s okay, mate. Perhaps you’d better put that one back and get another.”

“Good idea...

... Okay, let’s give this one a try. Now, aisle... damn it! What aisle was it, again? Excuse me, young man, where is the pest control aisle?”

“Why, sir, have you been making a nuisance of yourself?”

“Well, now, let me see your name tag. Ah, Brendan.”

“That’s me.”

“Brendan, let me tell you something. When I come into your store I expect to be treated in the same manner as I would treat the staff here. “

“Oh, I didn’t mean...”

“Let me finish. As I was saying, I expect to be treated in the same manner as I would treat the staff here. And so I appreciate it when I encounter someone like yourself who treats me the same way that I treat others, because you’re not afraid to use your sense of humor, Brendan, which would seem to be as lively as my own.”

“Oh. Ha ha. You had me going there for a minute.”

“At my age I’m allowed to, Brendan. And, for your information, the lady who greeted me at the entrance might well have formed the opinion that I qualify as a pest. But, hopefully, even my long suffering wife would be a bit hesitant about spraying me with pesticide.”

“Ha ha. Well, I hope so, too. Anyway, pest control is in aisle 15.”

“Yes, of course it is. Thank you, Brendan.”

“No worries. Have a good day.”

“I’ll try...

...Okay, here it is, aisle 15. Hmmmm...”

“Hi, there, do you need some help?”

“It shows, doesn’t it? You look at me and think, ‘This old guy needs help—seriously.’”

“No, no, I ask everyone that, honestly.”

“Okay, then. Pesticide is what I’m looking for.”

“What sort of pests?”

“Ones that are attacking my wife’s roses.”

“Aphids?”

“Bless you.”

“Pardon?”

“Didn’t you just sneeze?”

“No, I was asking if it was aphids that were attacking your wife’s roses.”

“Ohhh, sorry.  She didn’t say.”

“Are there tiny green insects on the rose stems?”

“Hmmm. I don’t know.”

“Well, it would pay to know just what it is attacking your wife’s roses otherwise you could be spending your money needlessly.”

“I see. We wouldn’t want that, now, would we?”

“No. Best to check with her first.”

“Good idea. I’ll give her a call. Will my cell phone work in here, do you think?”

“It should do. There’s one way to find out for sure.”

“Yes, let’s give it a try... Hello, Love, I’m at Bunnings... the hardware store... yes, that’s right. What’s that?... No, I haven’t been there, yet. I’ll go there when I’m finished here. What?... Barbecue sauce? Okay, I’ll add that to the list... Okay, then. ’Bye, Love.”

“All sorted?”

“Yes, I’ve got to get a bottle of barbecue sauce at the supermarket.”

“Okay. And what sort of pests did she say are attacking her roses?”

“Oh, damn and blast! I forgot to ask. Here we go again... Hello, Love, me again... me, your doddery old husband... yes, I meant to ask you, what sort of pests are they?... Pests, you know, on the roses... Oh, okay, then. Good oh. All right, Love. ’Bye.”

“All sorted this time?”

“Yes, you were right. It’s aphids.”

“Right, let’s have a look here... this should do the trick.”

“Okay. How much is that?”

“Nine ninety five.”

“Nine ninety five. Well, let’s see, now, your name tag says Ryan.”

“Correct.”

“Thank you, Ryan. Of course, if it doesn’t work, I know where you live... all right, I don’t know that, but I know where you work.”

“I’ll be here.”

“Good man. Thanks for your help.”

“Have a good day.”

“I’m trying my best to...

...Whoa! Look at that! Was $199. Our special price $99... oops! Who put that there? ”

“Hello there, sir. You’re not trying to destroy our screwdriver set stand, by any chance?”

“I’m terribly sorry, young lady. I was busy being distracted by your special on the trolley jack over there.”

“That’s all right, sir. I’ll get someone to come and put the stand back up.”

“You’re too kind. I promise that when I get home I’ll go stand over in the corner facing the wall and have a stern word with myself.”

“Ha! Okay, then. You do that.”

“Right, pay attention, now, you silly old fool! No more mishaps...

...Oh! Hello, Bill!”

“Gidday, Lyall!”

“Haven’t seen you in a while. How’s it all going?”

“Yeah, good, good. Just getting a new cistern for the loo. The old one’s knackered, a bit like me.”

“None of us are getting any younger, Bill.”

“Ain’t that the truth.”

“You had a bit of a problem with your own water works a while back, didn’t you? How’s that all going?”

“Yeah, bit of a problem with the old prostate. My GP told me in no uncertain terms that I had to drink plenty of water. ‘Water!’ I said, ‘Do you enjoy making a bloke’s life miserable?’ And he says, ‘Makes no difference to me, but I guarantee you’ll be a jolly sight more miserable if you don’t.’”

“Oh, so what did you do?”

“I got one of those water purifiers from here. I fill a jug from it and add a bit of lime juice concentrate. Then I stick it in the fridge to cool. It’s actually quite good.”

“So, it’s working for you, then?”

“Yep, better than the old cistern, which is way more incontinent than I am, even if I do say so myself.”

“Ha! Good to hear, Bill.”

“So what have you got there in the trolley, Lyall?”

“Betty’s having an aphid problem with her roses. Hopefully, this will sort the little blighters out.”

“Oh, okay. And how are you traveling yourself, Lyall?”

“All good, Bill. I could stand to lose a few kilos but I have a bit of a problem with comfort food at times. Of course, it doesn’t help when I rationalize that if it makes me feel good then it must be good for me.”

“Ha. Doesn’t work that way, does it?”

“No, it doesn’t. Betty thinks I could do worse than lose a few kilos, too.”

“Does she?”

“Yes, but her suggestion as to how I could lose 5 kilos of ugly fat in a hurry seems a bit desperate.”

“Yeah? What did she suggest?”

“That I cut my head off.”

“Ha ha ha ha!”

“She sounded like that after she said it.”

“You’re a card, Lyall.”

“Yes, well, I might think I’m the ace of diamonds but Betty assures me that I’m the joker.”

“She’s right. You should listen to her.”

“I always do, Bill. I’ve learned over the years that you should always listen to your wife, agree with everything she says, and then go ahead and do what you want to.”

“That has the ring of truth to it.”

“The thing is, too, that you can feel smug when it all works out fine.”

“Uh huh. What if it doesn’t?”

“If your wife is anything like mine she’ll be quick to ask why you didn’t listen to her and why you did or said such a stupid thing.

“What do you say to that?”

“The best thing to say is, ‘Because I’m stupid.’”

“Ha ha ha.”

“And if my experience is anything to go by your wife will wholeheartedly agree with you. The good thing is there’s not a lot more that she can say. You’ve already condemned yourself.”

“Yep, that’s true, I guess.”

“Of course, sometimes pride gets in the way and I try to defend my stupidity.”

“That would be the tricky part, wouldn’t it? Anyway, must push on. Good to see you, Lyall, and thanks for the laugh.”

“If we don’t laugh we’ll probably cry, Bill. Good to see you, too. See you around sometime.”

“Yep, if the man in the long black coat and top hat doesn’t call first.”

“I hear you. Say hello to Phyllis for us, will you?”

“Will do. ’Bye for now.”

“’Bye...

...Now, let’s see... ah, ‘Self Serve Checkout’. Excuse me, young lady, how do these machines work?”

“They’re card only. Would you like me to help?”

“What if I want to pay cash?”

“Yes, you can do that over there.”

“Oh, right. That queue there?’

“That’s it.”

“All right, thank you...

...After you, young lady.”

“No, you go first, You were before me.”

“No, young lady. You have three little kiddies there. You go first. I’ve got plenty of time. I’m retired.”

“I’m just tired. Thanks for that.”

“My pleasure, and I enjoyed your little quip. Keep it up.”

“I’ll try.”

“Good for you. How old is your little one here?”

“She’s four months.”

“Goodness. Hello, there, little one. Higgily huggily hoggily hooo.”

“B...b...bawwwwwww!”

“Oh dear! That didn’t go down very well, did it? Sorry.”

“It’s all right, Sweetie, the man was just saying hello.”

“Probably got a shock from this old wrinkled face. I was pretty once, you know, long, long ago. Now, they still say I’m pretty but they add ‘ugly’ onto the end.”

“Ha! Pretty ugly? No, you’re not at all.”

“That’s nice of you to say, young lady, but the young and innocent don’t lie, now, do they?”

“Oh, she’s just a bit sensitive. I’m sure she’d soon warm to you.”

“Oh. Okay, then. Ah, it’s your turn.”

“Thanks. ’Bye.”

“Next! Hello, sir. How are you doing today?”

“I’ve just had a reality check, so what you see is what you get and I apologize for that.”

“Oh! Ha ha! You look fine to me.”

“Yes, well, from my most recent experience it would appear that age isn’t exactly doing me any favors.”

“Just the one item today?”

“Yes.”

“That’ll be nine ninety five, thanks.”

“Let me see here. There we are.”

“Ten dollars, thank you. There’s your receipt and your change.”

“I’ll try not to spend it all at once.”

“Have a nice day.”

“Thank you. ’Bye for now...

...Goodbye, young lady.”

“Have you got your receipt there, sir?”

“Oh, yes, it’s in my wallet... I hope. I suppose I could always make a run for it, but then you’d have to chase after me shouting, ‘Stop that old man! He’s getting away... very, very slowly!’ Oh, here it is.”

“Ha! Thank you, that’s all good. Oh, you’re the gentleman who was bordering on absolutely brilliant, aren’t you?”

“Well, from my visit here today opinion on that seems to be divided.”

“Oh! Surely not! What happened?”

“How long have you got?”

“Oh, it can’t be that bad, surely.”

“No, it probably isn’t, but when you get to my age you’re allowed to over-dramatize.”

“Fair enough. You have a good day, now.”

“I will provided I don’t forget to buy the barbecue sauce.”

“Barbecue sauce? I prefer tomato sauce myself.”

“Tomato sauce?”

“Oh, yes. I love it. I’ll have it with just about anything savory. In fact, my husband always says that I have pies, mince, or whatever with my tomato sauce.”

“Oh. Tomato sauce, eh? Well, each to his or her own preference, I suppose. ’Bye for now.”

“Goodbye.”

“ Right, tomato sauce... mustn’t forget the tomato sauce...”