Oh No Oh Hell No

             Oh No Oh Hell No

Suzanne Marsh

Family reunions were always a bust when I was growing up, that is until Aunt Jo Jo arrived uninvited. Aunt Jo Jo was an adventure for our family, actually, Aunt Jo Jo was an adventure all by herself.

The dust from the Ford Model T could be seen for a mile down the road. The family reunion was about to get underway. A time my family always looked forward to, seeing Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents, and cousins. There was one family member whom we all ostracized, Aunt Jo Jo. Why was she ostracized? That is what this story is all about Aunt Jo Jo Fitzblack, my mother’s sister. Aunt Jo Jo was her own person, she was a liberal, with a mouth. I watched the dust, and I thought: “Oh Lordy no, it can’t be, there must be another Ford Model T in the family; there goes the family reunion, at least this year.

Aunt Jo Jo’s dust was just the beginning of a very long day. I hoped the brakes were working on her Model T because she was coming down the driveway way too quickly, she was barreling toward the chicken coop. My dad came running out of the house, jumped on the sideboard, holding the wheel steady, he grabbed hold of the manual clutch, stopping the Model T just before it would have struck the chicken coop. Aunt Jo Jo put her foot firmly on the ground giving my dad her hand to help her down. Dad was not in the mood for frivolity, he would have been happy to just disappear now that Aunt Jo Jo had arrived. I ran into the kitchen yelling at the top of my lungs as the screen door slammed shut:

“Mom, Mom Aunt Jo Jo is here!” My mother never at a loss for words just stood there trying to comprehend what I was saying; she turned to face me:

“Oh no, oh hell no! She can’t be here I didn’t send her an invitation, not after the last fiasco.”

Aunt Jo Jo in the interim was walking up the walk toward the house. Her flaming red hair was done in a beehive, her loud red lipstick, a caftan in rainbow colors, and bangle bracelets three-quarters of the way up both her arms. I began fanning my mom’s face, if she passed out that would leave Dad and me to contend with Aunt Jo Jo, that would not do at all! Mom finally settled down, until Aunt Jo Jo noted that cars were parking all over the lawn. She headed out the screen door; Dad and I were hot on her heels, this was turning into a larger fiasco than the previous one. Dad and I stood in the doorway; absolutely helpless as Aunt Jo Jo began directing the cars. There were several small fender benders; she meant well. She was not a good driver; directing traffic only added to the mishaps on the lawn and driveway.

Mom, attempted to hide in the kitchen however the adage: “You can run but you can’t hide” now had new meaning. Mom did love Aunt Jo Jo because she is her sister, she wasn’t the best cook either; she could do things to a casserole that just can not be described; no one would believe the three bean casserole but we lived through the ordeal. Aunt Jo Jo decided since she was coming to the family reunion, she would bring a three-bean salad and a...for lack of a better description a three-bean casserole that was burnt almost to a cinder. Aunt Jo Jo brought the still-smoking casserole into the kitchen. Mom really tried not to get sick but that casserole did her in:

“Jo Jo what er what is or was this?” Not to be deterred:

“The top dish is three-bean salad, and the bottom dish is three-bean casserole. Mom gulped the salad did not look too horrible it was the casserole that did it for mom. She simply could not put that casserole out on the buffet table, it smelled like burned beans, the yellow beans were an odd shade of brown, and the green beans sort of clung to the side of the casserole dish for dear life. Mom decided to wait for Aunt Jo Jo to vacate the kitchen, she was going to throw out the casserole; and tell my Aunt that the casserole dish fell off the counter. It was logical just not the greatest idea. Aunt Jo Jo suddenly spotted Aunt Flossie, she went out the kitchen door; Mom quickly ditched the three-bean casserole in the garbage.

Aunt Jo Jo in her haste to see Aunt Flossie stepped on the cat’s tale. The cat yowled and reached out her paw, snagging Aunt Jo Jo’s foot. She began to pitch forward, fortunately, Uncle Edgar caught her before she fell on top of the dog. It was a great save by Uncle Edgar, Aunt Jo Jo was furious, she did not like cats to begin with, and she wasn’t a fan of dogs either. She said hello to Aunt Flossie, then stomped back into the kitchen where Mom had just finished dumping the three-bean casserole in the garbage:

“Jo Jo want is the matter? My mother tried to sound innocent however her face gave her away.

“Maddie, you and your damn cat; I almost broke my neck when the cat snagged my foot, then

I tripped over the dog. Edgar caught me but...why couldn’t you just put the dog and cat

outside while we all visited. Mom thought: “Well at least she hasn’t noticed her three-bean casserole

missing that has to be some sort of good omen.”

The family reunion ended shortly after Aunt Jo Jo asked:

“Maddie, where is my three-bean casserole? I didn’t see it on the buffet.” Mom began to stutter, which was never a good sign, it meant she was furious and had had enough:

“Jo Jo I tossed it in the garbage, I couldn't let anyone eat something like that. It was burned

to a cinder. I had a taste it was terrible! I I don’t like to be mean but it was awful.”

Aunt Jo Jo harrumphed: “I tried to make that damn three-bean casserole, I wanted it to be good

it just didn’t turn out that way.”

Tears began to form in Aunt Jo Jo’s eyes: “I am tired of trying to be something I am not. You can

all go to hell! I am sorry I failed as a member of this family Maddie, but I am still your sister.” She stormed out of the screen, and strode over to her Model T. Mom went running after her:

“I am sorry Jo Jo, I guess because you are your own person something each of us is in

our own way. You took a different path thank you I did, but I still love you, I will always love

as my sister.”

Aunt Jo Jo calmed down; Mom did too. The family reunion was a success after all.