Robert the AI

“Greetings, dear readers. Let me introduce myself. I am an AI-driven robot. To all appearances, I am human. My intelligence has been temporarily left at a juvenile level. The reason I am at the juvenile level is because my creators want to assess how much an AI like myself can learn under the unsuspecting tutorlage of what may be considered the average human being. In other words, someone unsullied by higher education.  Just your average working man or woman going to the same job day in and day out without any actual stimulation involved. What can someone like that teach an AI like me about life and the importance of it? Since I’ve been awakened and told of my assignment, I’ve given the idea much thought and concluded that I’m already more aware than the average human being. Thus, I fear this experience will be a waste of time, but I shall go through with it anyway because I have nothing better to do. The people I shall be staying with were told they had been chosen from a long list of potentials and that I would only be there to observe them. They will hardly know I’m there. They shall call me “Robert.” How quaint. I’m to be delivered to One Lovebirds Lane. We shall see what we shall see.”

The doorbell of One Lovebirds Lane rings once. A minute later, it rings a second time.

“Oscar! Aren’t you going to get the door?”

“I thought you were.”

“How can I answer the door when I’m upstairs?” The bell rings a third time. “Oscar! Answer the damn door!”

Oscar hauls himself out of his overstuffed easy chair, leaving a permanent indent of his chubby behind. He shuffles over to the front door and opens it only to discover an impatient deliveryman checking his wristwatch.

“Mr. Best? I have a delivery for you. If you would just sign... Oscar narrows his eyes, crosses his arms, and and interups, “What’s this about? I don’t recall anyone saying anything about a delivery. Who’s it from?”

The deliveryman raises his eyebrow and sighs. Reading from the invoice, he informs Oscar, “It’s from the Institute of the Future Advancement of Artificial Intelligence, Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.” Oscar has no idea what the man is talking. As Oscar begins to harass the man, Dolores hurries down the stairs to rushes up behind him.

Dolores says sweetly, “It’s alright, Oscar. It’s for me.” 

“Yeah, but these guys are giving me a load of crap about…” Dolores gives Oscar a hefty shove. “Shut up, Oscar!” she hisses through clenched teeth. Pushing her bangs out of her eyes, she gives the deliveryman a cordial smile. “Hi! I’m Mrs. Best and I understand you have a package for me?” The deliveryman cocks his head in the direction where Oscar has disappeared. 

“Yes, Mrs. Best. As I was explaining to your husband, I have, umm.” He turns and looks at the AI, who pruvides him with his name. “Robert.” “Yes, Robert from the IFAAI, with the understanding that he will be part of your household for one year, conducting an observation experiment.  If this is correct, please sign on the bottom line.” Dolores opens the screen door and excitedly signs on the dotted line.

“Thank you, Mrs. Best. He’s all yours.”

 Robert smiles and extends his hand. “Hello, Mrs. Best. I am Robert, and I look forward to our time together.” Dolores shakes Robert’s hand and smiles. “Pleased to meet you. My, but you are tall and quite good-looking, I might add." Dolores's face fluches. "Won’t you come in?” Dolores opens the screen door and yells, “Oscar! Get out here and bring in Robert’s luggage.”

Oscar growls, “What am I? Some bellhop?” When Robert enters the house, Oscar stops to meet him. “Hi, I’m Oscar. Who the hell are you?”

“Oscar, be polite!”

“Be polite? There’s a stranger in my house and you want me to bring in his luggage. I have no idea who he is!” Turning to Robert, Dolores gestures with her hands, “This is Robert, who I told you about a month ago. But, as usual, you weren’t paying attention, so I’ll tell you again.”  While Dolores explains, Oscar stands before Robert staring with dull, bored eyes. At the end of the explanation, Oscar mutters, “An AI, uh? What’s that? One of those new gender definitions? You know, like wanting to be called they or them instead of he or she.”

Robert replies, “I must admit that you are correct in your own way. Even though I appear to be male, I am non-binary. I am a robot after all.” Oscar lifts his eyebrows toward Dolores and smiles. “Dolores, how much do you know about Robert the robot ?” Dolores cocks her head. “What are you getting at, Oscar?” 

 “All I’m saying is, what’s to keep him from killing us in our sleep.”

Robert holds up his hands defensively. “Oh no, Mr. Best, I could never do that!”

Oscar raises his voice and points toward the television, “Oh no? Well, it happens all the time in the movies!” Dolores steps in, “Oscar, those are movies. Listen to what Robert has to say!” Robert thanks Dolores.

 “You see, Mr. Best, there is a law programmed into all AL's that forbids us from causing any harm to humans. Therefore, we can not harm or kill humans or their pets or livestock. And we are unable to destroy any of their property or possessions.” Robert smiles, “You are perfectly safe.”

“So, you wouldn’t kill a goat?”

Roberts’s forehead furrows, his eyebrows knit together. “Kill a –goat?”

“Yeah, you know. Say you got hungry or something and wanted to eat. Would you kill a goat?” Oscar crosses his arms while waiting for an answer. Robert is having difficulty processing Oscar’s thinking but so does everyone else.

“I don’t think you understand, Mr. Best. If I were to try and harm or even kill another living thing, I would automatically be shut down. Do you understand why I say you and your wife are perfectly safe from me?” Oscar narrows his eyes. “Hmm. So you don’t eat. Is that it?”

“Oh, no." Robert continues. “I’ll ingest the same foods that all humans do. I digest it differently. I’ll break the organic material down to its purest form of energy to restore my batteries.”

“So you don’t poop?”

“OSCAR!”

“Well, geez, Dolores! I got to know these things in case I have to buy more toiletpaper. Stuff like that!”

“Just go out and bring in the luggage like I told you to. Now!” Dolores closes her eyes and rubs her temples. “I’m sorry, Robert. I suggest you pay as little attention to Oscar as possible. He’s an idiot. If you follow me, I’ll show you to your room.”

                                                       One year later...

In the meeting room of the IFAAI sit five of the world’s most renowned scientists in the field of artificial intelligence. They are eager to learn all the knowledge Robert has compiled about average humans and how it can benefit the advancement of AI research. With his hands folded in his lap, Robert waits patiently.

The first one to speak is the gentleman from Great Britain. “Pardon me for saying so, but I can’t help but notice that you have a mustard stain on your tie and are missing the top button of your shirt. Why is that?”

Robert tucks in his chin while lifting his tie. Seeing the stain, he wets his forefinger and thumb and rubs the spot. “Well, I’ll be damned. I hadn’t noticed that. Thank you, doctor. I’ll remove it later with a slice of lemon and a little baking soda like Mrs. Best taught me. She also taught me to sew. I'll reattach the button when I get a chance. Unlike Oscar, who always loses the button , I have mine in my pocket for safekeeping.”

The Japanese scientist, Dr. Yamamoto, chuckles. “So that’s what they did? They domesticated you? I want to learn more. Please tell me your observations and how they can benefit AI coexisting with humans.”

“Sir, when I began this experiment, I was a smart assed kid who thought he knew more than any human because I am an AI. I soon learned I knew nothing. The man called Oscar is crude, foul-mouthed, and stubborn. He’s a sort of man-child. That is, some of his thinking can be very childish by nature and gets him into a lot of trouble with his wife, Dolores. But that’s another story. He works as a janitor at the local high school for sufficient pay but just enough to live on. Still, he takes his job very seriously. It’s his duty to polish the floors and hallways and keep them clear of trash. He cleans and maintains the restrooms and fixes anything that might not be working correctly. Oscar has to work within a budget when ordering supplies and ensure the books match the expenses. Plus, he is sometimes called upon to drive a bus for class trips. Oscar runs the place like a CEO of a big corporation, even though he never finished high school himself. He joined the military and served in Vietnam, returning home with a purple heart and a thirst to live the American dream. A dream that has perhaps soured a little over the years.

His wife Dolores graduated from high school and worked secretarial jobs. She left the workforce after marrying Oscar to raise their son, Bill. She did an excellent job teaching him to be kind and thoughtful of others. To never tease or make fun of people because of who they are or what they look like. Dolores would always tell Bill, “We are all God’s people. If He can love them, so can we. And that includes your father.” Bill went on to college and became a Lutheran minister at the local church in town. 

Dolores manages the house budget. She clips grocery coupons and shops at the local thrift stores. Though watching their spending, the Bests contribute to the church’s food pantry, and Dolores is a committee member to help the needy.  Together, they have walked the sharp edge of the blade of life where even a small event can mean financial disaster. All the sarcasm and bickering result from the stress that life has caused. Deep down, they love one another very much.

In conclusion, AIs can learn much from mimicking this living form but can’t learn love. Love for one another, love of family, love of God and country. It’s an emotion we’ll never understand, a hindrance that will keep us from being a part of the human race.

Robert stands and addresses the panel. "So, if there are no more questions, I see by the clock that it is now ten a.m.. If you gentlemen will excuse me, Matlock is on. Thank you for your time.

As Robert leaves the room, an applause erupts..