looking back

Looking back, there was nothing to leave, any memories that remained had tarnished to seem worthless. His heart felt so heavy that each step seemed to be dragging his feet through Fundy mud at low time, taking forever to escape the moment. He was squinting to keep the tears from falling ,but only, crushed his soul more with knowing that life was gone for good.

Now flight was the option that seemed hope full, he knew that change was required,,but , will power and inner conviction were in too much for a weak man. She would find out and realize that that her faith and judgement were not as shrewd as she thought.

The wind was against him pushing him back to his mistakes and faults. He knew only his determination would lead to salvation, redemption and forgiveness. His question to himself , did he have it in him to to accomplish such a soul racking  and herculean goal.

He reached to the indentation , placed his right foot on a protruding lip and pulled himself up, each movement seem deliberate, but, he felt out of touch and distant, from the climb, as he had the the past five years. Finding strength, that had been submerged like the truth of who he had become made looking up to where the climb led, began to surge through his being, the blood was moving, his mind waking to reality. He thought his eyes were beginning to see his truth, the demons that grasped him, smiled fiendishly, while pulling him down , destroying his soul, he name, life, causing all to turn against him, leaving him alone, vulnerable seeking his pleasures that killed him slowly and disguising the pain as he stumbled into the prison he created.

He was pushing himself, fleeing his being, if he could escape who he had been, and become who he once was, maybe, just maybe, he could get her trust back. If he could get her to recognize who she thought he was, this weight, the crushing sadness that breathed every waking moment may cease.

His foot slipped , he felt himself sliding down again, small, weak clutching hands were pulling him down, rising memories to the surface, he felt the smirk, his gaze become sinister. The feeling wrapped around him like a cloak of selfishness and gluttony. He adored the sensation , his noble escape melting like sugar in rain. His mind reliving the thoughts he wanted to destroy.

He screamed “No!”. Tears flowed  like a dam bursting, pressure exploded as sun going nova , then sucking all back in to a black hole.. He didn’t move, his body became ridged with fear. The emotions, the shame, humiliation, crushed his being.

He realized the strength, resilience, the sacrifice to move away from who he was, to find the man he could respect and hope others would respect, required a forcefulness, determination.

He found himself to high to fall and to low to reach, crossroads on a mountain, clinging to a cliff that offered only his choice to survive. His eyes fearfully looked to left , down to where he had been. Emptiness embraced his being, he knew the feeling was of defeat, not fear of falling, dying had no consequences, he already felt dead, he knew that none of the problems that ripped his brain apart would be there if he was no more. It would be so easy, so peaceful, he could just let go.

Then he knew they would say he was evil, he was weak, he had courage to face the consequences of his choices, he would never have respect, trust, a welcoming smile…love. She would say he was a coward and deserved to be gone.

Time had escaped him, he remained frozen on the mountain. All he could feel was the past, rushing at him like an avalanche , smothering his mind, causing him to feel overwhelmed, breaking his heart making him face the person he wasn’t, twisting his tears , causing guilt lines on his face, aging his body to despair and defeat.

Much time past, as he cling to being removed from the moment, he faced the same choice as before, only understanding the importance of finding himself again.

He asked himself how did he get here, why did he make the harmful choices. He knew why didn’t matter now, finding the person who he could respect, who others would respect. Finding love for himself,and maybe, god hopefully others could love.

This meant grasping with ultimate conviction in his determination to right his wrongs, face his truth and asking forgiveness. His fears were looking at him laughing. He didn’t smile, his face had no expression, he knew he would fall again, he knew this moment would come back and tear his being apart, ripping more of him each time. He also knew he had only one choice, if he couldn’t look at his face in the mirror and see someone he could respect and admire, no one else would either. 

Where would he find the strength, he was alone in a world full of people who detested him. Strangers show more kindness than those who had known him for years.

He knew the hardest part was making the choice, deciding to change and live with it. He felt fear looking up , there was no end to see, the climb would continue till he was no more, he directly ant he rock, it was solid, unmovable, uncaring, it didn’t care if he climbed more or let go and ended. There is no emotion that rock has, he felt like the rock right then, he was empty, the reasons he gave himself to continue climbing seemed trifle. They are words that the powerful use to control the rest so they can have their influence. Work hard for a better future, no reward for the average person, just add too the wealth of the rich. Be honest, truthful get torn down by the righteous, cursed and condemned by those who see themselves as warriors of justice . Perseverance, commitment, the saviors of society that give us our luxuriates and convenience. Pictures in doctors offices of golf courses that inspire and give a person purpose. Perceptions that the masses believe and follow or revolt against , acceptance with in the group requires sacrifice and humility.

The most difficult is finding the part inside that wants to do this change, follow through and believe in ones self and the choice.

He reached up and clung fearfully as he raised his leg to find the next crevice.

He knew each movement has a result, an equalizer, but, only by reaching and hauling himself up could he find the calm that beckoned him. Each time he shifted his weight to the next position, he was higher and more committed to the change. And each time the fear pierced his body, giving him a cold shiver of helplessness .

He looked down , he could not see where he had come from, the bottom was in the past, looking up there was still no end, just rock , surrounded by threatening sky. He kept reaching, scraping his knuckles, tearing his jeans, bruising his knees. Knowing that the pain would only get worse, stropping him, trying to defeat him, drag him back to ground that he desperately trying to leave behind.

His right hand gave away as the rock crumbled , he felt his body fall, fear drowned him, the slight grip of his left hand hand is all that held him there, he swung into the hard surface almost losing his breath, he scramble with his right hand and feet to secure himself. His hand found a sturdy crevice, his feet found an slanting edge, he remained motionless , out of breath fear swallowing his resolve, he thought he was crying, but was to afraid to wipe his face. His terror felt like it had when he was found out, this time he wasn’t ashamed of the tears, he knew they meant he wanted to live. He asked himself if this torment of losing his grip, of falling back to where he started was worth all of the agony, self-doubt and continuous feelings of guilt, knowing he couldn’t measure up to himself or others.

Again he remained rooted to the conflict of change, was it worth it, could he do it, would others care, would they still condemn him, would always be branded, cursed, given side glances that cut like a dull knife through his heart.

He knew he need help, some one to support him, a kind hand to comfort, they would never be, this was hopeless, even if he could be someone he respected, they wouldn't, minds had already been made up, judgement has been decided . they would always look down at him, never allow him back.

Wallowing in his misery his head hit an over hang, he had been climbing with out realizing hope had reached up to the next holding and pulled him up. Now he was more confused, when did he decide to continue, and now what could he do, it looked impassable, to jutted out to far for him to pull himself up and there seemed no way around. Time passed , he felt himself getting weak, a decision ha to be made. He took a deep breath, allowed himself to relax, his gaze was calm, his expression neutral, on his left there was an indention, he inhaled and reached, he found a holding, he slide his left leg to a small knob that he could balance himself, trusting instinct he shifted his weight leftwards, his right hand fold over the lip, he chanced moving his left hand upwards and found another crevice. He shifted and placed his right foot on a fold and heaved himself upward.

He smiled, not thinking about, he had found faith in himself, faith he needed desperately and faith he want others to have in him, maybe now, there was a chance.

Looking up there was still more mountain and turbulent sky.

  Looking back, there was nothing to leave. Sadness and grief, feeling guilt and remorse would always linger, but hope and love were always possible, even for him.