Summer to Remember

“Hey, Toni!” Blair said, into her phone. She walked out of range of the baby, who she’d just gotten to sleep.

           “Blair! It’s good to hear from you,” Toni answered. “How’s my little sister? How’s motherhood?”

           “Exhausting” Blair admitted looking at her disheveled figure in the sliding glass doors. The beautiful fall leaves were changing, and she’d barely noticed. When was the last time she’d felt happy? This was her favorite time of year, when the vibrant autumn colors were their most dazzling. Tom had suggested an afternoon drive, but she’d shut him down. She’d cringed at the hurt look on his face. He was just trying to help.

           In fact, Blair was suffering from postpartum depression, and at the suggestion of her husband she finally called her sister.

           “Those first few months are rough” Toni agreed, relieved that her own two were elementary age now and much more independent.

           “My doctor actually prescribed an antidepressant,” Blair confessed. “I can’t believe it’s come to that, but nothing else is helping.”  Tears filled her eyes, threatening to let loose a dam of pent up feelings. She felt so inadequate to be a mom to Melly.  Toni had never been her confidante, not since they were children, but Blair didn’t know who else to turn to. Her Mom and Dad lived in Florida and they’d come when Melly had first been born, but they had lives to get back too, and none of her friends had kids yet. When she’d been little, Blair had once adored her older sister, but one year things had changed, and they’d drifted apart.

           “Blair, don’t be ashamed,” Toni advised. “I’ve been on antidepressants for years. It’s helped me tremendously.”

           “You have?” Blair asked, shocked. “How did I not know this?”

           “Because I didn’t want anyone to know and I made Mom and Dad promise not to talk about it.”

           “Why?” Blair questioned, wondering if she knew her sister at all.

           “I guess I thought it was just me and that no one would understand. I felt very alone back then. Remember the summer when I was fifteen and Mom and I went to stay with Aunt Becky?”

           “Yes!” Blair remembered. She’d been so hurt that they hadn’t taken her. It had been a miserable summer the year she’d turned ten. It was the loneliest time of her life. She’d been angry at everyone. “You got to have a grand adventure in the city while I was home with Dad and the babysitter from hell.” All the old, painful memories from that time resurfaced and she couldn’t help the resentment in her tone.

           “It was an adventure all right,” Toni admitted with sarcasm. “But not for the reasons you think. Mom and I weren’t there for a happy holiday. I was in a mental institution that summer. Mom had to get a part time job in the city to help pay for it.”

           “Toni! What?!” Blair was so shocked she was at a loss for words. “What are you talking about? I don’t remember that.”

           “I tried to kill myself, Blair. I had swallowed a bunch of pills.”

           “I don’t know what to say,” Blair said, dumbfounded. “You always had so many friends. I used to trail after you wanting to be included. I thought you had it all.”

           “I did have friends, but I began cutting them off. After Jimmy Draper was killed, I felt so lost. We’d been friends since kindergarten. Remember him?”

           “Kind of,” Blair said, disbelief still in her voice.

           “He’d been my partner in crime,” Toni recalled. “He’d always been my summer buddy.”

           “What happened again?” Blair asked, trying to recall.

           “He was hit by a car while biking down near the quarry. We used to go there all the time. It was just a fluke I hadn’t been with him that day. Maybe I could have prevented it? I felt so guilty and helpless. I just didn’t have the wherewithal to process my emotions. They got very dark.”

           “I adored you, Toni, and I was so mean to you that summer. You and Mom left without me. I didn’t understand why I’d been left behind.”

           “I’m sorry,” Toni said. “I knew you looked up to me. I guess I couldn’t bear to see the disappointment in your eyes, that I wasn’t the cool, big sister you thought I was. You’re the one who found me,” Toni confided. “If it hadn’t been for you, I might not be here.”

           “What are you talking about?” Blair wanted to know. “I don’t remember any of it.”

           “Apparently, I had promised to play with you just to get you off my back. You tried to wake me up and couldn’t, so you went and got mom. Mom found me unresponsive and called 911. Meanwhile she sent you next door to Mrs. Selby.”

           “I remember old Mrs. Selby. She was always baking something. Sometimes she let me help her, but I don’t remember that day specifically, except that’s about the time everything changed. I stopped following you around, and I was jealous that you got to visit Aunt Becky. Dad worked all the time, but he’d bring me home fast food and try to make a picnic out of it, but I was angry at him too.”

           “That had been a hard time for our family,” Toni admitted.

           “I wish I’d known,” Blair said, regretfully. “I pushed you away thinking you were the favorite. Oh, Toni things could have been so different for us, if I’d known the truth.”

           “I guess I can see that now,” Toni said. “We’ve wasted a lot of years being hurt. It’s not too late though, Blair. We can be close again. I’m sorry I let you down.”

           “I’m sorry I pushed you away,” Blair told her older sister. “I still need you,” she confessed.

           “I need you too. Why don’t you come for a visit? The kids would be overjoyed to see their baby cousin. And I can watch, Melly, while you nap?”

           Blair felt hopeful and energized by the idea, grateful that she’d reached out to her sister, and now had a complete picture of her family dynamics. It was heartbreaking to think how her family had changed that summer and grew apart, when they had needed to be closer than ever.

           “I’d love to come and maybe we can heal that time in our lives. Perhaps it’ll help me now too,” Blair said wiping away her tears. She wanted her big sister back. The way they used to be when they talked about everything.