Hidden Memories

Tall and stately she stands, still elegant in her old age. But time is wearing her down, her façade is crumbling, her shutters broken and her windows are all boarded up.  She stands before the wrecking ball with dignity. She knows what’s coming but refuses to beg. In a way she welcomes it, she’s tired, she’s been tired since the fire. The owners wouldn’t give up though, they refurnished and updated her, but nobody came to stay. The picture of the 1970’s fire that gutted her lived long in people’s memories.

Well in most people’s memory, but not in mine. I know I’ve stayed here, but I only have a few bits and pieces of that night. I don’t even remember the fire, but its there in my subconscious, letting out little snippets of a young girl, I once knew. That is why I came here today, longing for the memories to come forth and to quit playing hide and seek in my mind. It’s been almost 50 years and still it bothers me, I feel unease like I should remember something important but I just can’t.

So I stand here watching this old dame finally being laid to rest. Hoping that either she takes this unease with her or she causes the damn blocking my memories to burst;

              *************************************************

My memories of that day in 1970;

I remember we were both 8 years old and in the 3^rd grade, I see long blond hair on a thin child, I have this sense that we look similar. I remember that after school, her dad speaking to my mom about me spending the night with the little girl. I remember sitting in the back seat of her dad’s car and waving to my parents as we drive away.

I can never see her face, just the long blond hair, but mostly I remember her giggle. It’s infectious. What’s really strange is I feel like we were good friends but I don’t remember anything about her before that day or after that day.

My next memory is of standing on the steps of the Pioneer Grand Hotel, it’s enormous.

It’s 11 stories tall; with fancy arches and balconies all they way up. I remember running to the elevator with my little friend. We went up and down, out one elevator into another, then up and down again, till we finally went to her apartment. I somehow know her father is the manager of this Hotel and my friend has this castle as a play ground.

But that is where it ends. I don’t remember spending the night, eating dinner, getting up in the morning or going home. As a matter of fact, I don’t remember even thinking of her or this place until years later. Out of the blue the memory wiggled in, of the little blond girl. Just that! Since I was in my late teens, this memory would randomly pop up, there is never a pattern, sometimes it comes every couple months, others several years in between. But, lately she’s been there constantly, tugging away at my mind. It’s like she has something important that she wants me to remember, but I just can’t.

Someone is walking around the crowd giving out pamphlets of the history of the hotel. I absently take one, then turn for one last look at the hotel.  I realize I don’t need to see its destruction; it doesn’t have the answers to my mystery.

         ****************************************************

Once at home, I drop my purse on the coffee table and plop down on the couch, I flip through the channels on TV and stop at the local news channel.  It is panning the rubble of what’s left of the Pioneer Grand Hotel. A wave of sadness hits me; I turn off the TV in frustration, why do I even care? I’m a 58 year old widow, my children are all grown and I’ve been blessed with many grandchildren, so why am I obsessing about a 50 year old memory?

I start to get up to make myself lunch when I notice the pamphlet. I pick it up and begin to read:

The Pioneer Grand Hotel was built in 1918; it was designed by a London architectural firm that came to the states at the request of the owner, Sir William Cuthbert. The Hotel was to be a gift for his American bride. In addition to being a Hotel, it also housed a restaurant, a bar, a music venue and a barber/beauty shop. It was 11 stories high with 250 rooms. It was quite grand for the times.

The hotel was a hot spot for the rich and famous in the early 40’s and 50’s in the 60’s it still drew the affluent.  However on May 3^rd 1970, a fire broke out on the 4^th floor.

 Around 9pm, a guest on the 5th floor called down to the reception desk, crying that she saw flames in the stairwell, minutes later another call came in stating flames were shooting up the elevator shaft. 

The fire moved rapidly through the structure, fifty-seven people died and over a hundred were injured. It was the worst tragedy in Burkett’s history. 

 Many of the dead and injured were people who jumped from the upper floors, firemen yelled through bullhorns telling people to stay on the floor for oxygen, trying to reassure them that help was on the way but panic reigned. 

It was later determine that the fire was caused by arson, but the arsonist was never apprehended. A list of victims was on the next page, but I didn’t want to read through it, just reading the details of the fire caused me great sadness.

 The owners spent 780,000 dollars on renovations but the hotel never did enjoy success again. It was closed permanently in 1975, and has been vacant ever since. 

I lay the pamphlet back on the coffee table, and made myself something to eat. Fatigued hit me like a brick after lunch, no matter what I tried, it wouldn’t go away. I curled up on the couch hoping a little cat nap would help. 

          ************************************************

Chandeliers sparkle like stars, music is softly playing, I sing along,

“I’ve been to the desert on a horse with no name, it felt good to be out of the rain, in the desert you can remember your name….”

“Katie come on, why are you standing there singing?” Becca said as she grabbed my hand dragging me towards the elevators.

We stopped in front of the mirrored doors of the elevator, I stared at my reflection in stunned silence, I was 8 years old again and Becca my best friend was there beside me.

We did look similar, both of us have long blond hair, big blue eyes and freckles dusting our noses.

“We’ll put your things in my room then come back down to the restaurant for dinner” she chattered as we went into the elevator. She hit the button for the second floor and up we went.

“Your awful quiet all of the sudden, is something wrong.” Becca asked me.

“Sorry, I’m fine, it’s just, it must be great living here, it’s like a fairy tale castle.”

“Sometimes its great, but it can be lonely too, there’s only two other kids that live here and they are both a little older than me, that’s why I’m so happy you’re here tonight, we are going to have such fun.”    

For dinner we had cheeseburgers and fries, they served us just like we were grown ups. After dinner we went into the beauty shop, a women named Alice gave us both matching braids, intricately woven with flowers and ribbons. Now I really felt like a fairy princess.

Next we rode the elevators some more and were joined by the other two kids. We decided to play hide and seek. 

“We’ll go to the fourth floor; it’s empty because they are refurnishing it.” Becca said.

“Shouldn’t you ask your Dad?” Todd asked. He was a tall Hispanic boy of about 10...

“Ya, I’ll go ask, come on Katie.” We went to his office, his door was slightly open when we got there so Becca went in and I followed. 

“I’m sorry Daddy.” Becca said when she noticed the maintenance man leaning against the wall.

“It’s alright Honey, what did you need?”

“We just wanted to know if we can play hide n seek on the 4^th floor with Todd and Rosita?”

As Becca and her dad talked I glanced at the maintenance man, he made me uncomfortable. He was scowling at Becca’s dad but when he noticed me looking he tried to hide it.

“Okay girls, you have fun. You both look like princesses tonight.” Becca giggled and I shyly thanked him as we left the office. I couldn’t leave that room fast enough, because of the looks that maintenance was giving us, it was just creepy.

We met up with the other children and rode the elevator together to the 4^th floor, the rooms were all open, so the workers had easy access, white sheets were draped across the furnishing that weren’t being replaced. It was so quiet it was eerie.

“So the rules are; no one can leave the floor.         

  The elevator is base.

    And Todd your it first.” Becca. squealed that last part as she pulled me down the corridor.

“No fair Rebecca!” Todd yelled as he started counting.

We hid out in the maid’s closet, that’s where they stored the cleaning supplies. We watched Todd walk past, then jumped out and ran to base. We made it but Rosita didn’t, so she was it now. Soon I got the lay of the land and started hiding by myself. We had been playing for about an hour, when Rosita’s mom came up and got her and Todd. Becca was still hiding so I went in search of her yelling her name. I heard a strange sound coming from one of the rooms, I went in.

“Becca? Are you in here?” As soon as I said that I saw her cowering in the corner, Her hair was a mess and she had a gag in her mouth, I had barely registered that when the maintenance man stepped out from behind the door and slammed my head against the wall.

Gradually I came too, I was lying on my side facing Becca, the man was atop of her doing unspeakable things. Her eyes were open, but her pupils were glazed over. Even with as young as I was I knew she was dead.

"Becca, Becca," I silently cried, suddenly the fire alarm started blaring. The man jerked away from Becca, I kept my eyes mostly shut, only a sliver of light shown through as I pretended to be dead. I didn’t want him to do to me what he’d done to dear Becca. 

He came and stood over me, I didn’t so much as breathe. After what felt like hours he turned, lit a rag he had in his hand and tossed it in the corner, then he slowly walked out the door. I didn't see all of him when he stood over me but I did see the name on his shirt when his lighter flared and I told myself never to forget, the name of the man who killed my best friend RALPH!

I don’t know how long I laid there staring at Becca, but when the room started filling with smoke, I knew I had to move. My hands were tied in front of me, but he hadn’t tied my feet, so I pushed my way up and stumbled for the door.  I couldn’t see anything and I was choking badly, I fell to my knees and kept crawling using my bound wrists to pull myself forward, soon however I fell to my side, no longer able to move, I just laid there coughing and choking.

After what seemed like I eternity I heard a voice in the smoke filled hall,

“Katie, where’s Rebecca?” Rebecca’s Father leaned over me, “ Where is she?” he frantically asked again.

“G g oooo ne” I tried to tell him between coughs. He shook me screaming Becca's name, I glance toward the direction of where I’d just come. He noticed and told the man beside him to get me to safety, then he and Becca’s mom ran toward the room where Becca lay dead.

“Noooooo, nooooo.”I cried unintelligibly but they didn’t stop and the man bundled me to his chest and ran to the service stairs and down to the street.

        *********************************************

I woke up on my sofa, coughing and drenched in sweat. It took me a moment to realize I was at home and safe, and an adult again. Then the realization hit me, I now remembered everything. The fire, the murder of Becca.

I sat there sobbing for probably an hour, remembering everything she meant to me, her lovely smile, her infectious giggled and all the fun we’d had together at school, until it was mercilessly destroyed that fateful night.

I grab the pamphlet that is still lying on the coffee table and start reading the list of the victims. As I scan the names I come across;

Ralph Newton (49) - chief maintenance man- died from burns, found in the service elevator.

I want to rejoice, he was evil he got what’s coming to him, but I can’t when I think of how horrible it had to have been to burn to death.

I continue scanning the names and I finally find what I was looking for;

Theodore Malcolm Holmes (35) - Hotel Manager-

       Died smoke inhalation in room 422

Sarah Jane Holmes (32) - wife of Theodore-

        Died smoke inhalation in room 422

Rebecca Michelle Holmes (8) - daughter of Theodore and Sarah-

        Died undetermined in room 422

Tears roll down my face.

           ***********************************************

The sky is a beautiful shade of blue, the breeze is lightly blowing and birds are singing a sweet tune as I tell Becca of all the things I remember, I joke about her dress sliding up when she hung upside down on the monkey bars at school, and about the school play, where we both had to sing the 'Unicorn Song' complete with hand gestures. I tell her of how much I miss her and I’m so sorry it took me so long to come. 

I tell her of my children and my grandchildren. 

Then I sigh and tell her of the death of her parents and how they were found with their arms wrapped around her and each other, tears blind me.

I tell her, she and everyone who died in the fire had been avenged and how Ralph had died. 

I look up past her headstone, and there she is. I'm horrified at first, when I see her as a charred corpse. Then joyful as she transforms to the smiling little girl I knew. We stare at each other for a moment then I see a heavenly being come down and stand beside her. She turns from me and looks to him,

“Jesus?” I believe I hear her say, then I know I hear her soft giggles as she takes his hand. They turn and fade away together as they ascend up into Heaven. But I could still hear her infectious giggles long after they'd gone.