CARNIVAL LIFE FOREVER

CARNIVAL LIFE FOREVER

    “So, what was the argument about this time?”

       Paul shrugged. “The usual. My dad always gets on my case, wanting to know what I’m going to do with my life. I tell him I don’t know, but he won’t accept that. He says I need to have a goal in life. I don’t, though. I don’t have any goal in my life. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, nor do I care!”

       Sharon knew what he was saying. High school was nearly finished, and they had to make decisions about what they wanted to take in college, which would ultimately lead to what they were going to do with their lives. Not an easy decision to make; especially when you really don’t know where you are going in life. 

       “I know how you feel, Paul. My parents are after me to make the decision, but I really don’t know what I want to do with my life. They make me feel like I don’t know anything, yet they expect me to make a decision that will affect the rest of my life. I feel like I’m on some kind of a quiz show, and every category you pick is going to be the wrong one.”

       He chuckled humorlessly. “Yeah, that’s how I feel, too. My dad keeps pushing the army, though. He says the army will make a man out of me, whatever the hell that is supposed to mean.”

       “Would you consider going into the army, Paul?”

       “Not a chance. I hate everything the army stands for. They make war, and you know about war. What is it good for?”

       “ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!” they yelled together, quoting a line from their favourite song.

“No, I don’t know what I want to do,” he continued. “Actually, that’s not true. I don’t want to do ANYTHING! I want to go on with my life the way it has. Now, let's forget it, and have a good time.”

       She knew when the subject was dropped, so they went to the carnival on the beach. Soon the dancing lights and raunchy music had cast their spell, and the young people let it take them away from their troubles, as the daylight faded into the forgetful oblivion of night.

       A large man came up out of the dark, and they knew him. Snacky, he was called. He was the owner of the carnival, and wore a fine, colour-patched cloak, like a wealthy clown. He was a big, avaricious man whose appetites could never be satisfied, and he knew it. His top hat sat upon his head like a crown, and this king moved about his domain, quoting his god, who told him there was another sucker born every minute. Snacky fervently hoped this was true, and that each of them would visit his establishment. 

       “Ah, Sharon and Paul. How delightful to see you!” he greeted them jovially. “I hope you enjoy yourselves tonight,” he said with a smile, but inwardly he was hoping they had enough money to pay for things, for a change. Still, that Sharon was a cute piece, and he was hoping that somewhere down the line, he might use his influence to persuade her to a more, ah, intimate friendship.

       “And how are your families, my friends? Well, I hope!” he asked with deep insincerity.

       “Oh, fine, sir,” the both answered together.

       “Good, good. Jack is around here somewhere, I’m sure you all will have a splendid time, my friends. Feel free!”

       “Thank you, sir, we will!” Paul answered brightly, as they walked away, and Snacky tipped his top hat to them with a big smile. Somehow, he made Sharon feel slightly ill, but the feeling passed as soon as he had done so.

Sharon and Paul wandered about the fairgrounds like a couple of lost souls, both looking for salvation. Suddenly Jack Smikes was there, as was Betty Buller, and their constant companion, Froggy. 

       “Hey, Paul and Sharon are here! Welcome to my fantasy!”

       Jack laughed, and both of them said hi to him. Jack was Snacky’s son, and seemed to live a life of ease, according to Paul, anyway. He certainly never seemed to worry about anything. He would simply take over the carnival when his father retired. Life was simple in the carnival, and secretly, Paul envied him. How he wished his life was that easy! Sharon was never that easy around Jack, though. He had tried to pick her up, but no one seemed to care. She guessed it was expected of him, but she didn’t like it.

       “Hey, you guys want to hit the Ferris wheel? Jack called out. “The view from the top is great!”

       Paul shrugged, and grinned. “Sure! Why not? Sounds like fun!”

       They went, and got on for free, thanks to Jack. While they were waiting to get on, Jack showed them some pills, and grinned. 

       “Since we’re going up, anyway, would you care to help the experience along?”

       “No thanks,” Paul said, a bit too quickly. “You know what happened the last time I tried some of your pills.”

       They laughed. “Oh, well, I’m sure you’ll be all right this time. After all, you’ve got steady Sharon there to keep you right.”

Paul laughed, and nodded, and took the pills he offered, and popped them into his mouth.

       Sharon did not like the way Jack looked at her, like a snake eyeing its victim. Fortunately, the Ferris Wheel had come around, and they got on. Froggy stayed behind; but then, Froggy never went on the rides. No one knew why.

       As they ascended into the sky, the smells of the carnival came up to her, mingling with the salt from the sea. The garish music also played background to the rolling of the waves on the beach. She glanced at her boyfriend, and saw the look on his face. He looked at the bright lights of the carnival with a kind of hunger. Across from them sat Jack, and he had the same look on his face. Jack was not looking at the lights, though, but gazing off into the darkness out at sea. She shuddered, and looked away.

       As they reached the top, the Ferris wheel stopped. She tried not to look down, but the urge was irresistible. She glanced down, and immediately regretted it. She looked up, and Jack was smiling at her with a kind of mocking expression on his face.

       “There’s nothing to fear, dear Sharon, not with Paul here at the ready to save you,” he said, and Paul looked at him blankly. The drug was already taking effect, and the same could be said for Betty. They both had a blank stare to them that made her feel very uncomfortable. 

       Just then the Ferris wheel started to move again, and she was startled by it. Jack reached out a hand to help her stay in her seat, but it quickly became a caress. His hand journeyed up her arm, and stopped near her breast.

       She pulled violently away from him, and almost went flying out of the car. With terror she looked down, and grabbed the arm hold to steady herself. The Ferris wheel suddenly lurched to a stop, and a loud crack sounded sharp in the night. She could tell there was something seriously wrong as the contraption swayed heavily in the night breeze. She began to worry, and Jack grinned at her. He was about to move toward her, but the wheel suddenly started up again.

       When they were finally back on the ground, Sharon was unsteady as she tried to walk. Paul had weaved as well, but his seemed more because of the drug he had taken. There was a bit of confusion, then Jack was there, holding out drinks for all of them. She took hers gratefully, and drank. Normally cola cleared her head, but this time, it simply made her feel more confused.

       She staggered for a way, then a strong arm was around her, leading her away from the lights, towards the tall grass. Soon they were amongst the tall grasses and weeds, and she was being forced down. She didn’t know what Paul was up to, but he had agreed they would not go all the way; at least, not yet. Still, his kisses were warm and pleasant, and she turned her head to accept them. She suddenly realized it wasn’t Paul, but Jack. She fought him, then, but he was very strong, and whatever he had put in her drink made her feel weak.

       She knew what to do, though. She even felt calm as he clawed at her clothes, and he pulled off his pants. She watched in detachment as he pinned her shoulders down, and prepared to enter her. She lifted her foot, and hammered him as hard as she could.

       He cried out in agony, and rolled away from her, holding his crotch, and swearing profusely. Quickly she fixed her clothes, and climbed back to her feet.

       “Bitch, you stupid bitch, you...” he swore as he rolled on the ground.

       Suddenly Paul was there. “What did you do to him?” he demanded, as he swayed unsteadily.

       “What did I do to him?” she said, incredulous. “He tried to rape me!”

       “Well, that’s no reason to kick him in the balls, is it?”

       Then Froggy was there. “JACK! JACK! What did she do to you?”

       He told him in between gasps, and he turned to look at Sharon with burning eyes.

       “You terrible girl! How could you do that to him? He’s the best person in the world!”

       “Your ‘best person in the world’ just tried to rape me! He deserved what he got!”

       “NO, HE DIDN’T!!!” he screamed, but it was hard to say what he was denying.

       Sharon felt her anger grow, and fought the waves of disorientation that came upon her. Paul looked at her as if he had never seen her before.

       “Why would you do that to him? He didn’t deserve that!”

       She stared at him. “Paul, didn’t you hear me? I told you, he tried to rape me!”

       He gave her an odd look. “I don’t mind, you know.”

       “You don’t mind what?”

       “You and Jack. I don’t mind. He’s better than me. He deserves you.”

       “I’m not a goddamn prize, you bastard! Didn’t you see what he tried to do?”

       “Yeah, but like I said, I don’t mind,” he repeated, and she knew he believed it.

       Jack was sitting up by now, still clutching himself hard, and moaning in pain. Froggy was there, helping him, his face full of concern. She quickly realized that they worshipped Jack Smikes, and that she would always be the outcast for rejecting him.

       Suddenly, she saw the future before her. She could stay here, make peace with Jack, and be a part of the carnival for the rest of her days. Days filled with longing, with hoping for the next thrill, living for it, needing it like a junky looking for a fix. Or she could walk away, here, now, and live her own life. She could grow up, or try and retain a childhood that was fading, regardless of what these hopeless, pathetic creatures did to hang on to it. She turned to Paul.

       “My dear,” she said, taking his arm, “we need to leave here, now. There’s nothing here, not anymore. Maybe there never was. This is a place for kids, and we’re not kids anymore. We need to go away; we need to escape!”

       He looked at her for a moment, then pulled away. He had decided. He would try to hang on to his childhood forever, not knowing how futile such a life would be.

       She shook her head. “Very well, stay if you want. I need to grow up, though, and this is no place for adults. Goodbye, Paul.”

       She turned, and walked away. He could hear them calling her name, and the temptation was there to turn back, to be a kid again, to live a life for laughs, and having a good time. But the good times would only last so long, then fade into hopeless longing, wanting to take from the suckers, to take from herself. She needed more, she needed to be alive, to be free to give of herself. There was motherhood there, and a family life that could not be denied. But there was more, if she wanted it, a world of discovery, of creation, of making a place for herself in the world. Of not giving in to the enemy.

       Behind her the aurora of the lights lit up the night sky, while the waves on the beach rolled endlessly on, like a junky licking his lips for the fix that would satisfy the craving. Like planets circling the sun, the creatures who lived in the night circled the lights, looking for the good times that never seemed as good as the years rolled by. 

       And Jack finally found a way to ease that craving, in the cool waves as they rolled over him, and as the drugs rocked him to sleep, free from longing. And Paul stepped into the jester’s shoes, and found out that they were just the right fit, but for the wrong feet. Had there been a mirror he could see into; he would have wept for what he had become. Just as his parents had done, like the spring rains that ruined the good times. But eventually, the 4^th of July would come, and they would sing, dance, tell stories, have their fortunes read, and live for the moment. For the moment.

THE END