The World According to Cats

You would like to interview me about life with my people? A guide for young cats on how to co-exist with humans? I must be getting old. Hmm. I really do have better things to do with my time, but this might be an interesting opportunity to educate humans as well as young cats. First, for full disclosure, I would like to say that my own life is quite tolerable. It took a while, but I now have my folks trained to an acceptable level. I came into their home at a very young age which helped. All kittens are cute, but I’d say I was in the extra-cute category. No, we cats are not known for our modesty. Self-confidence is one of our better-known traits. Now, where was I? It would be helpful if you did not interrupt me. I lose my train of thought. Thank you. I will give some general advice on living with humans, illustrated by some examples specific to my own situation.

One thing all young cats ought to know is that humans are weird. They over-react about the most ridiculous things. Let me give you an example. He brought me home and they oohed and aahed over me. They put me down to explore the house and he sat down to read. It was a warm day, and he was not wearing a shirt. This may explain why he yelled and jumped when I ran up his bare back. I did have to use my claws a little for grip, but you’d have thought he was being attacked by a mountain lion. What did he expect? He picked me out from the litter because I was the most active and playful. I did not repeat the experience. Not worth all the drama. I satisfied myself with attacking ankles, chewing hair and biting ears after that.

You would like to know why they acquired me? Good question. They already had a sedate old cat who would have been quite happy to enjoy a peaceful old age. The idea was that I would keep her stimulated and active. Obviously, they did not consult her about her preferences. It was like inviting a juvenile delinquent to move into the geriatric home. Lacking other playmates, I attacked her relentlessly. It was like jumping onto a furry marshmallow. Usually she ignored me, although she could hiss with the best, but she finally boxed my ears and sat on me until I promised to behave better. After that I restricted myself to pouncing on her tail when it twitched. Young cats, respect your elders.

She taught me some useful techniques. At bedtime, it is best to wait until your people are almost asleep and then get settled behind their knees. Don’t move in too soon or they push you off the bed. The time to do it is when they are too comfortable to stir. You can knead on them with your paws but not too hard or that also leads to ejection. Restrict meowing and purring until it is necessary to wake them up to feed you. Wait until they are totally absorbed in front of the television before settling on their laps. Otherwise, they get up every five minutes for this and that, disturbing you.

They will dangle all kinds of little objects in front of you, expecting you to play. This may be fun at first but soon grows old. Feathers on a stick, balls with little bells inside, little cloth mice, that kind of thing. The trouble is that the feathers get all chewed up and icky and the balls end up under the couch, which they rarely move. Sloppy housekeeping if you ask me. Of course, being humans, they must be contrary. Once a year they put up a tree and decorate it with all kinds of irresistible dangling, shiny objects, but then object when you play with them. Go figure.

However, there is no excuse for being bored when you’re a kitten. Different story when you’re like my chubby old cat-mate. At that age you’re allowed to snooze in the sun all day. I'm not there yet myself, but getting close. For kittens there are always curtains to climb, plants to chew on and that fun paper on the spinning thing in the bathroom. You can decorate nicely with that. Dripping water from the faucet is fun to play with too, but take care not to slip and fall into the water of the tub or shower. We cats have a duty to always maintain the dignity of the species, and it is very difficult to do this when dripping wet. Humans find this type of situation extremely funny for some reason and will add insult to injury by laughing uproariously. It is most annoying. Resist the temptation to follow them into dark spaces like closets or attics. They are notorious for not paying attention and you may find yourself trapped.

Another thing humans are most peculiar about is receiving gifts. I have brought them mice, lizards and birds, only to be rewarded with shrieks and yells. I am not sure if they are more upset if the prey is alive or dead. Disposing of dead victims is gross, according to them, but they get hysterical if a lizard or mouse escapes in the house. My cat-mate and I got revenge for this. We were watching television one evening with our people when a mouse ran across the carpet right in front of us, bold as brass. They looked at us, expecting us to chase it. Really? The nerve, after all the complaints when we tried to share our spoils with them. We ignored the request. He finally had to get a broom and chase it himself. His hunting techniques were terrible, but it was quite entertaining to watch. He finally bopped it on the head and disposed of it. It was a very amateurish performance.

In summary, young cats, do not give up if it is a little difficult to adapt to life with humans at first. For all the trials and tribulations, it is worth the effort. It’s quite nice to snuggle up with them and they can be generous with treats. Oh, and take it easy with the catnip.