Something So Beautiful

“Pathetic fallacy,” a mutter under my breath, “the attribution of human feelings and responses to inanimate things or animals, especially in art and literature.” A dry laugh escapes as I look towards my ever-growing pile of books, trying to ignore the fact that my life has been filling up with things I have to get done ‘right away’, ‘as soon as possible’, ‘actually, ten minutes ago, Chris, so hurry up’. My gaze wanders over to the window, and it’s practically dark. I drop my notebook onto the bed, grab my jacket and sling it over my shoulders as I leave the building, taking the steps two at a time. My motorbike is right outside, so I put on my helmet and drive away, towards the horizon.

By the time I leave the city, the sunset has the sun resting in the crook of a valley. I shiver in the winter breeze. Sun like fire. Air like ice. Ironic, isn’t it? I arrive at the lake just as the sun disappears: gone to slumber for the night, leaving the rest of us in the darkness. I can’t yet see another figure by the water’s edge, so I sit down on a rock and gaze off into the distance, letting my thoughts wander as I wait for my midnight rendezvous.

“Scared of the dark?” I look up.

“Never,” comes my response.

“It’s calming, isn’t it?” This time I stay quiet. “The miniscule waves, lapping away against the rocks, forever softening them.” The water looks freezing. He comes to sit next to me, and I move over to make space. “You know, someone who hides their pain behind a smile is called an eccedentesiast. And as everybody knows – you can’t hide forever.”

I turn to my midnight partner. He looks forwards, his hair hiding his expression. I shake my head slightly, trying to understand why he would call me out here for that.

“Is that all, Devyn? Is that what you wanted to tell me? That I can’t hide forever? Because that’s nothing new. You could’ve just sent me a message. We didn’t have to do this whole ‘meet me at midnight’ thing.” I turn away.

“People don’t cry because they’re weak, Chris. They cry because they’ve been strong for too long.”

Tears well in my eyes. I’m mad at myself for letting me feel this way in front of him. But then again – how dare he talk to me like this? After everything’s burned down between us.

I’ve always been good at burning bridges. Yet he keeps cropping back up like a bad dream.

“You don’t get to talk to me like this. Like you know me. Like you care about me. It’s not fair–” my voice cracks. I swallow. I hate myself even more for this. “It’s not fair.”

The water looks inviting, beckoning me in. Cajoling me into accepting its warm embrace. I stand and start walking around the lake, and face Devyn from the other side. I throw my arms into the air.

“Into the water!” My voice is strong. “We’ll never drown, not as long as we live.” My voice echoes over the water, the waves carrying it to him.

“I’ll meet you there, old friend.” He starts to walk into the water, holding my gaze. I pull away, breaking the magnetism of his eyes and turn. I start walking towards the forest on the edge of the field. When I reach the first line of trees, I pause. A shadow flickers within the thickest of the trees. I turn, and see Devyn getting out of the water. His clothes are dripping wet, his hair slicked back. I enter the forest, chasing the shadow. I step over tree roots, between thickset trees, around fallen oaks. When I arrive at the heart of the forest, I gaze up at the cherry blossom tree – dormant all winter. I spot the first blossom of the spring just as Devyn comes up behind me. I point up to it.

“Werifesteria – to wander longing through the forest in search of mystery,” I look over at him, “just don’t get lost.”

Another dry laugh, this time from him. He looks over at me and asks me the question I’ve been dreading for weeks.

“Do you still love me?”

I breathe in shakily. My breath mists before me. I turn to face him and meet his eyes.

“How I wish I could say yes.”

He smiles at me, sadly, and nods. He starts to walk away, following his own path through the trees. I give him some space before I slowly follow, drinking in the sheer, raw, natural beauty around me. It’s rare you can find something so beautiful.

“Those last few weeks with you were a fever dream. I didn’t know,” he takes a breath and looks at me over his shoulder before turning away again, “I didn’t know if it was real.”

“Oneirataxia – the inability to distinguish between fantasy and reality.” Cold air brushes against my cheeks, reddening them.

“Is there a difference?”

“I’m sorry I was somewhere else.”

“Why choose reality when there is so much you can’t control?” I stop and he turns to look at me. “We were both somewhere else.”

“Living in the clouds. Is it really such a crime?”

I look out of the trees, and see the grass of the fields beyond. A thin forest, but one that holds many secrets. Its length makes up for the disappointing depth. I turn and walk back to the cherry blossom tree before we get to the end of the forest. This night is surreal. Devyn follows me. I hear his feet picking through the undergrowth, over fallen leaves and snapping twigs. He could almost be a creature, a predator, stalking his prey. He comes to a stop beside me. I watch as the blossom seems to glow in the twilight.

“Spring is coming,” I whisper.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Liar.”

I turn to look at him.

“I feel alive. Truly, truly alive.”