ApPle PicKinG

The air was crisp and invigorating as Bear drove down his street with his windows down. The beauty of the leaves in their red and orange garb highlighted by the approach of the holidays made it so that he couldn't help but be grateful for the change of season. One more perk of Fall was that he got to spend his weekends watching football, and as he pulled into his driveway after work that Friday, he had no other plans for the weekend other than doing just that. Just then he got call from his girlfriend Louise. 

"Hey, Babe what's up," Bear said as he picked up the phone.

"What are you doing?" said Louise. 

"Just pulled into driveway, why?" 

"I need you to do something for me." 

"Sure, what you need, Girl?" 

"I need you to pick some apples for me. I'm making a pie for my family dinner this weekend." 

"Pick some apples? Like go to the store and pick some out? 

"No. Like go to an orchard and pick some." 

"Ah, what?! For real? Can't you just let me buy a pie?" 

"Yes for real, and you cannot just buy a pie. This is for my grandma, and we don't know how many more of these dinners she's going to make it to so this pie has to be perfect. Please, I'll be busy with the fam or I'd do it. It won't take you long." 

"Yeah I can do it. I just hope I'm out of there before kickoff." 

"You're the best, Bear! Love you." 

"Love you too." 

The next morning, Bear was up early. The Autumn air was still cold from the previous night. Bear put on his sweatshirt, his lucky jersey, his boots and his wool cap and headed to the orchard so he would be back in time to make food before the games started. Bear walked up to the young girl selling tickets to get into the orchard. 

"How's it going?" the young girl asked Bear. 

"It's going pretty good. I just need a basket for one," said Bear. 

"Okay that'll be $40," said the girl. 

"$40?! This is the line to pick apples right?" said Bear. 

"Yes, you're in the right line; it's $40," said the young girl. 

"What if I don't carry the basket? Can you do $25?" 

"The basket is included in the price of admission, sir." 

"Fine, here's $40." 

The girl said, "Based on you're reaction to our price, I'm assuming you're here for somebody special. If you want the best apples fast you'll need one of our experts to guide you." 

Bear replied, “That is the last thing I need. How much does it cost?" 

"It's free." 

"That is exactly what I need; thank you." 

"Here's your basket. Head on out to the orchard entry and I'll send him right out." 

Bear took his basket and waited at the entrance. He waited for about thirty seconds when he was already having second thoughts about his decision. Why would he need some guy to tell him which apples to buy? Then he thought about how many brownie points he'd earn with Louise if he brought expertly picked apples. He looked at his watch. He was running early; this was totally going to be worth it. Bear looked up to see his guide coming toward him. His guide was wearing sandals with an apple on the straps, cargo shorts and a tee shirt that said, "Johnny Appleseed is my homeboy." Instant regret gripped Bear. 

"Howdy there partner, I'm Ernie. I see you're raring to pick some apples today? That's just terrific. Let's get started then, right this way," said the apple guide. 

As the guide walked ahead of Bear, Bear could see that there was a sticker on the back of the guide's shorts that said, "Apple Bottom." Bear thought to himself, "Maybe I should have picked up the beers on the way here." 

The apple guide stopped at a tree and inspected each apple. Finally he plucked one and said, "Now this is what you're looking for." The guide held it out. It was perfect. Flawless skin, plump with a robust stem. Bear was in awe. "Yep," said Ernie, "Only need about 40 more of these bad boys, let's go." 

Bear replied, "Why can't we just pick the rest of this tree?" 

Ernie erupted into laughter. He was wheezing and dropped down to his knees clutching his sides. He looked at Bear and said, "Oh, you were serious. Listen, I understand that you're in a hurry, but trust me it'll be worth it to choose the best apples, now let's not laze about boy scout. We're burning daylight." 

Bear followed Ernie all over the property for what seemed like forever. At last Bear's basket was full. He thanked Ernie and said, "Thanks so much these all look great; my girlfriend's grandmother is gonna love the pie my girlfriend makes out of these." 

Ernie replied, "Did I hear you correctly that you're planning on making a pie with these specimens?" 

Bear said, "Yeah, my girlfriend Louise in planning..." 

But before Bear could finish Ernie lunged and knocked the basket out of Bear's hand and started stomping on the apples.  

"What do you think you're doing?! It took us forever to gather those!" Bear lashed out.  

"Sir, I apologize, but I would be doing you a disservice if I let you make a pie out of those. I assumed these were for decoration or plain consumption; pie apples are much different and much harder to find." 

"But!" Bear started. 

"Up. But nothing. I know you're in a hurry, sir; there's no time for protest. But before we go a quick moment of silence for the apples that we've lost here now. Gather round everyone! It's an apple wake!" 

Ernie began humming "Amazing Grace" and Bear muttered to himself, "Grandma, grandma, grandma...do it for grandma. Might be her last apple pie." 

Ernie drug Bear so far into the property that they stopped seeing the other patrons. They had walked so far Bear was sure that legally he could probably make a good case for kidnapping. At one point he was sure he saw an extinct mammal. As Ernie droned on about how the apple had shaped America, Bear became delerious. Bear looked up at an apple tree when all of a sudden he heard an apple talk to him. 

"Look at this schmuck. He can't watch football because his big boy errand to get some apples was too hard for him, so he had to get Ernie to help him out," said the red apple. 

"You're never going home kid. Last guy Ernie brought out this far died of heatstroke. He's under that tree over there fertilizing my cousin right now," said the green apple. 

The red apple chimed in again, "Yeah you should have just told Ernie you were gonna eat us straight up. One gal was looking to make a crumble, and she had to take a job cleaning baskets out to make ends meet cause Ernie's had her here so long." 

"Don't listen to them sugar," said the golden apple, "These crab apples are just jealous because nobody ever picks them. You keep right on letting that psycho lead you all over kingdom come, baby. It's worth it for grandma." 

The green apple replied, "Don't listen to her. She's still hanging here too isn't she? You need to get out of here now while you still can." 

Bear said, "What do you mean?" 

An old, withered apple turned to him and said, "When a young man like yourself spends his Autumn doing painfully basic Fall activities instead of watching football in his underwear, chemical change starts in his body, turning him into an apple. We were all young men before we came here. In the beforetime." 

Bear replied, "What are you saying?" 

The red apple shouted, "What do you think we're saying? Run fool!" 

Just then Ernie cried, "Look! The perfect apple!" Bear grabbed it from the tree and threw it as far as he could. Ernie cried, "Apple murder!" and ran after the apple. Bear used this opportunity to escape. He ran as fast as he could back to the parking lot. 

Meanwhile the apples were all laughing. "Look at him go!" said the red apple. "He actually thought he was gonna turn into an apple!" 

Bear made it to the entrance and cleared the fence back into the parking lot and hopped in his truck. As he ran by the young girl at the front said unenthusiatically, "Have a nice day." Bear drove right to the store and picked up what decent apples he could find, and drove them over to Louise's house. 

Louise looked over the apples and said, "Babe, you're two hours late, and then you show up with these delapidated, pathetic apples? What part of I wanted this dinner to be special did you not seem to understand?" 

Bear protested, "Listen I tried. I really, honestly tried, but there was this guy. He wouldn't shut up, and he knocked my basket out of my hands and I was going to turn into an apple!" 

Louise responded, "No, I know you. You just wanted to sit in front of the t.v. like you always do, and you couldn't be bothered with this errand for me could you? I'm sorry it's not the most entertaining way to spend your morning, but I thought you would at least do it for grandma." 

As Louise kept lecturing, the world fell silent for Bear as he watched a red hatchback with a sticker on the back that said "my other car is an apple" pull up in to the curb in front of the house and Ernie step out of it. 

"We have to go now," said Bear. 

"What? I'm not done talking," protested Louise as Bear grabbed her arm, but it was too late. Ernie was pressed up against the window pane. He said, "Look Bear, I found the apple. It's the perfect apple. You have to put it in your pie!" 

Bear replied, "Uh, no thanks Ernie I just bought some apples at the store. I don't want any from the orchard; I thought I made that clear when I took off running away from you without any apples." 

Ernie said, "Bear I thought I knew you better than that. Store bought apples? I trusted you with my theory of appleution. I have to come in and get rid of those apples for you. 

Ernie then started banging on the window, then moved to start jiggling the door. Louise's mom called from upstairs, "Honey I think someone's early can you get the door?" 

Louise whispered to Bear, "Who is this guy?" 

"He's just some guy who really loves apples," Bear said as he pushed against the inside of the door.

Louise asked as she did the same, "Is this why you were late with crummy apples? Well now it makes sense. How do we get rid of him? 

Bear said, "Last time I just threw that apple he's in love with, and he took off after it."  

Louise replied, "Open the door when I tell you." 

Bear said, "I trust you, baby, and honestly this is pretty hot seeing you enacting plans and all." 

Louise signaled Bear who opened the door which Ernie came bursting through. Right then Louise's dog, Jo Jack came running, as he always does, and jumped on Ernie playfully, knocking the apple out of his hand. The apple rolled down the driveway and into the street where a street sweeper launched it. Ernie ran to his car and drove away to go find it. 

Louise looked at Bear and said, "You know what? I'm going to the store to get a pie; grandma won't know the difference. You sit down and watch some football." With that Louise handed Bear the remote and left. 

Bear sat down and turned on the t.v. excitedly, but when the t.v. came on, Bear saw Ernie's face on a commercial for the apple orchard. Bear turned the t.v. off and said, "Forget it."