The Moment of Life

With my gym bag slung over my shoulder, I boarded the Express bus to the city.  I found an empty window and placed my bag on the floor and sighed, trying to wrestle with butterflies in my stomach coupling with the sizzling elation.  

Hard as I tried, I could only get maybe four hours of sleep the night before competition day.  

While the bus was idling heavily, I watched as the black soot passed by my window, momentarily obscuring my apartment complex. I smiled at the memories of all the training I had done with the help of my mother.

She was a Taekwondo trainer herself and had won a few matches and participated in several exhibitions.  

I remember watching her in one of the performances when I was about 6 years old. Mom brought me to this high school gym where the competition was being held and had me take a seat while she prepared herself. I was sitting down on the hard metal bleachers along with a few hundred other people, hearing the echoing cheers at the matches and smiled again as I watched Mom get on the mat to face the opponent.

Mom was shorter than her opponent by at least a head height or more but in her eyes that didn't matter.

"Tommy, remember, " she said to me. "Size doesn't matter. It's the skill that makes the difference as well as the willingness to learn even in a loss. That's what helps you to move forward in life."

I remembered those words in that moment as she saluted the judges, the ref,and her opponent. I felt my heart pounding in my chest and opened my mouth to cheer my Mom and I knew then,. that this was for me. I needed to be here and I needed to compete!

My Mom's match went on for about 3 rounds and she lost by one point. She was upbeat about the loss itself. I was confused but she explained to me that the outcome was not as important as the thrill of the event. She was positively glowing as she talked about it and I marveled at how alive she looked.

"It's the moment! The moment, the experience! That's the thing, Tommy!", she said with a grin as we walked out of the gym. As we exited the building and into the evening twilight of the outside, I turned back to the entrance. Part of me didn't want to leave, but I knew we had to.

"Tommy, you okay?"

"Mom?" , I replied. "When can I start training?"

Mom's smile seemed to light up the evening sky like a second sun. I instantly felt a warmth in that smile. Her love and pride felt like a blanket to me.

"Tommy,.I would honored to be your teacher as well as your mother!", and then gave me a hug.

That very night, Mom set up training regimen for me. On most mornings,.she would have me warm up with a few jumping jacks, some stretches and then a jog around the building before school.

After school, I would come home and take out two bags of trash to the dumpster holding the bags with my arms straight out to the sides at a shoulder height. She told me that this would train my lateral muscles.  

On Saturday's, we would do the same thing and then go visit a junkyard and start the obstacle course drilling by skipping through the tires that were laid out like a ladder on the ground.

We would then run through the basic kicks, punches, blocks and poomsae. We did these drills every day except Sunday which we took for a rest. 

In addition to the regular training, we sometimes attended a yoga class.

At one point I asked her about this since it felt embarrassing for me to be in a yoga class with several middle aged women who would probably tease me unmercifully or say things like,

"I remember you when you were a baby! You were so cute!". The idea made me cringe.

"Don't worry, Tommy. It won't be that bad. As for the yoga, it's to help you with balance. Those kicks can easily throw your whole body off the axis, so it's important for you to "sense" and recover your balance quickly in a match and in life for that matter.

Mom was totally right on that for sure. If you ever tried a tornado kick and you lost balance you'd end up on the mat or you might overshoot your target land.outside.the ring, losing a point.

So I stayed with the yoga as well as the taekwondo training. I remember holding the tree pose for about 10 minutes.

I did have some time to spend with some friends, but I always made sure to train with my Mom.

This all changed when I turned 18 and I attended college out of state. My Mom was proud but..sad. She had to learn to adapt to a new life without me being there to coach.

I did join the taekwondo in college as well and trained with them and I made a point to visit Mom every month to check on her, have dinner and just spend time with her.  

When I told my coach about her, he asked if she could come up to do an exhibition there and discuss her training regimen. I called her up and asked she got on a plane the next day for a visit. I had to smile when my teammates seemed to flock to her for training tips. She could've had a whole YouTube following if she wanted.

After college, I took a job as a software developer for a medium sized company and did the obligatory 40 hours a week there,.plus some OT. It paid well, but it didn't leave much time for competing, but I did take some time for training.

Last year, Mom grew very ill and I had to take time off to take care of her, get POA etc. I took her to her doctor's appointment and learned that she had Alzheimer's disease and she would need constant care in a medical facility. The company was understanding enough to let me have some time off to handle things.

I remember staying by her bedside in the facility after work every day, watching in horror as the disease took her away, bit by bit for weeks on end.

She looked so frail, a mere shadow of the little superwoman that I had known since childhood. It was probably the first time I ever thought of drinking. I never did though, but pain of watching her go through this was..well unbearable.

After she passed away, I was devastated, but I was not alone. My friends from my college taekwondo team flew down to visit me and I was also visited by some of the other competitors from that time. I was still sad but I felt at home none the less.

After the funeral service, we all went out to a restaurant and told our favorite stories about her, had some laughs, a few tears. We were all affected by her and we bonded with each other after her loss. I was grateful for their friendship.

Before we broke up for the night, my old coach took me aside for a chat with some of my old teammates.

“Tommy,” he started. “I know this is a hard time for you, but I have an opportunity for you”

“Oh yes, coach? What’s up?”

“I have been invited to attend the all state level championships, and there are some people from the Olympic selection committee coming as well.”

My eyes widened in surprise. “Wow! That’s got to be awesome!”

“Yep and the event still needs people for an exhibition match and I thought about you and your mom. It might be a good way to honor her and yourself. I leave in 4 days for the tournament. Can I have your answer in a few days?”

“Yes Sir, I can give you my answer tomorrow”, I said to him.

That night, I went back to the motel which happened to be located near the old apartment complex. I stared at the old place, remembering our old unit, the big hill, where we spent so much time training.

I felt my eyes watering and my lips starting to tremble and fell onto my knees in front of the bed, bawling. I wanted that warm blanket feeling that she gave me when I first asked her to train me and the smile that lit up the night sky like a second sun. I missed her so much that I screamed, “How could you just, leave?!? Why?!? "

I waited for an answer but I got silence . I chastised myself for even asking such a ridiculous question. I am sure that any good therapist would say that there’s no wrong way to grieve, maybe this is natural.

For several hours, I just sat there l,. feeling that hole in my life. I couldn’t even think about coach’s offer until I remembered that first time when I asked her to train me.

“It’s not about the outcome, it’s the moment!”

I understood. She was most alive in competition and life was like that as well.

The next morning, I called the Coach and gave him my answer.

The bus left the area and headed forward to its destination. I sat back in my seat and felt that warm sunshine touch me like a blanket.