Red Irises

Knock.

Father returned home around midnight. Unexpected time of the year. My breathing is irregular now, heart pumping out of my chest. I'm in my perfect senses yet I can't help it.

He's been dead for 12 years. I hear a knock. He keeps on knocking in a rhythm. I don't want to open the door. He looks at me taking his straw hat off, pulling his corduroy overalls tightening them. Red irises of his shining. A vacant expression on his face. Father never misses Eid. He comes along with the crescent moon. I'd be prepared to open the door that day with all my might. But today? Just an any other day. I don't want to open the door. 

An hour went by without even realizing I fell asleep wishing it was just an other bad dream. I peep through the slit in between the window blinds. 

He looks at me taking his straw hat off, pulling his corduroy overalls tightening them. Red irises of his shining. A vacant expression on his face. 

I Wish Ammi would knock the door instead. But it had to be him. I get out of my bed difficultly taking a long breath and finally go down stairs putting my robe on. I don't want to see through the key hole yet I do. Red irises shining. 

I can feel my heart beat fast but I do not want to feel that way. 

It ticks past 2am. The old oak clock hung in the hall works again. Ticks. 

The time runs backward. I feel dizzy but I don't want to. 

All the furniture rumbles as I see, the wallpapers turn cream. They're not wallpapers anymore but plain cream painted walls. Flowers bloom back again at the window sill next to the door. The rocking chair flies back to its place in the hall from the attic. The plain red carpets turn into intricately designed ones. The kitchen tap runs. The clattering of the dishes sounds soothing. The newspaper rustles. The stairs creek and I don't want to turn back. Yet I do. 

Ammi doing the dishes by the sink. Grandfather reading the newspaper rocking the chair slowly. Naina jumping up stairs endlessly. It's in a loop. They do nothing else. And the knock on the door goes on. 

Open the door and the loop sets in motion. If I don't, I'm not sure anymore if this will stop. 

Everything perfectly set as that day. Except I'm not excited to open the door as I did back when I was 7. 

'I don't want to see you father. I don't want to see any of you.' Wish I could say those words out loud and clear and I think they'd be gone but I do not. I cannot. 

I open the door. He moves past me. Not lifting me up into the air like he did then. I don't want that anyway. He goes into the kitchen hugging Ammi from behind. Catches Naina as she jumps from the stairs into his open arms, turning her around in the air. The hall filled with laughter. Helps grandfather get out of his beloved rocking chair into his wheelchair. 

Me, standing by the door. Wish I could run away through this wide open door. But I cannot. My legs fixed to the floor. My eyes fixed at them wide open. The winds howling through the door into my ears. 

Thunders blaring out of nowhere. Rain pattering inside. Yes, inside. The ceiling's gone. The old oak clock ticks. They're still in the loop doing the same thing over. I can feel the rain on me. Their Laughter gaining over the thunders. They turn their heads laughing at me. Red irises shining. I can't take my eyes of them though. My body as cold as a dead body. The same cold chills father's body gave me when I found him dead. 

Naina falls to her knees. Ammi nowhere now. Grandfather in eternal 

sleep, his neck over his shoulder. Father standing tall. Red irises shining. A heavy step towards me. I feel weak in the knees. I don't want to see them anymore. 

He stands before me. Now I'm taller than he is. Grabs me by my collar. Falls onto his knees now. His eyes still fixed on me. His corduroy overalls loosened. Finally falls back hard onto the floor. 

I killed him. I killed them all. I'm back in the closet. Looking through the keyhole. Father clinging to a grown up me. Falling hard onto the floor.

I don't cry at the sight. I muffle my breathe instead. Fearing for my dear life. Wish Naina found the hidden me as she was the seeker then. If only she had found me before he killed my family. If only I was with them. I'd not be hiding till now. Hiding in plain sight. A part of me hidden always. 

The killer's eyes are all I see at night. Red irises shining. I don't want to come out of the closet and I don't. I watch them die. I close my eyes when Ammi looks at me. She knew where I hid. The stairs creek as she runs up making the killer run for her. 

"Run." she screams louder through the thunder. I don't feel the ceiling covering us anymore. 

Run. That's all I do. Run for my life leaving Naina behind. Tumbling over my father's dead body at the door. The coldness sends chills down my spine. The winds howling into my ears. 

The clock stops ticking. The rocking chair goes flies back into the attic. The furniture sets back in present. The cream walls get the wall papers back on. The intricately designed carpets soaked in blood turn back normal. I hear Ammi scream one last time through the thunder. 

My legs set free and I run again. Running from my past. Into the fields. I don't want to feel anything. Wish I could Cleanse myself of these memories. 

Running through the corn fields, not turning back. The door left wide open. The grayest sky rumbling intensely. Soaking wet in rain. I feel heavy, the haunting memories sitting on my shoulders. My feet sink into the mud. My robe drenching wet. I do not stop. I strip my robe off. I don't want to carry these along. Pitch darkness surrounds me. 

Wish father had said something. Wish I talked to him before he died instead of hiding. I think he did. I couldn't care enough to listen him. All I hear is Ammi's scream through the thunder.

               *****

He growls in pain falling onto his knees screaming on top of his lungs . The drizzling rain drops on his skin caressing him, the wind embracing . Goosebumps all over. A lighting flashes blinding his eyes sending a shudder and before he knows it. He's running again. He doesn't care about the whole world or what lies ahead in the fields, in the future. Turns around. The faint light burns still at the door. A dark silhouette standing tall at the door still. The petrichor smell, the soft cool grass touching him sends shivers. The same coldness as his father's dead body. Each sound heard feels different as if someone's watching but he couldn't care less. Finally falls on his back in the wet mud on an empty grass patch in the field. Gazing at the dark ash sky. He is in beyond world.

             *****

I want to reminisce a good memory. All I'm left with are of that night. It's been 12 years. Everything feels like just a minute passed after I ran through that door. Wish I could've confronted the killer. Would that have made a difference. 

Only one memory fogs up my mind apart from that night. 

Father digging up the grave for our beloved husky Amin. Shoveling black soil. He looks at me taking his straw hat off, pulling his corduroy overalls tightening them. A vacant expression on his face. The sky so bright. Sweat dripping of his brows. I'm looking at Amin sleeping peacefully taking a handful of the black soil clenching my fists. Seated in the soil, my knees hugged to my chest. Naina sobbing bitterly clinging to Ammi. 

"It's okay to be sad Naina," he says bending down to her height, a soft smile on his face, "Inna li-llahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un, ( إِنَّا لِلَّٰهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ‎ ) meaning; Verily we belong to God, and verily to Him do we return."

My chest feels so heavy. I wonder how I survived these 12 years. The darkness starts to fade around me. The cocks start to cackle inviting the sun. The gray clouds finally seep through time. Everything set in motion again. I clench my fists drawing in the black soil. The earth feels so soothing. The dawn setting over me. 

Etched in my heart. 

" You can't hide forever Aayan." 

That's what father said laughing happily. Helping Naina find me in our last game of hide and seek. His last words.

Hope it is just an any other day.