A Fun Night of Standup Comedy ↵

The room is unfamiliar, I don’t know how I got here. But what a crowd! Looks like I finally made it to the wrong side of town! 

I'm back from the dead. Finally made a round trip to where my parents have always wanted me. Life goes full circle, I’ll tell ya!

I like to get away from it all, but hell is a little too far.

Now that I'm back, I’ve been catching up with all the new technology. I’ll tell ya, it’s a nightmare.

I got my first smartphone. I asked my buddy how to use it, and he said, 'Just touch the screen!' — Touch it? My wife tells me I’m not allowed. 

I took a selfie with my new phone. I looked at the picture and asked my friend, Who’s the fat guy? 

I just get no respect, I tell you.

I downloaded a bunch of apps. My friend asked what I got. I said, 'I’ve got a fitness app, a cooking app, and a dating app!' He said, 'Wow, you’re fast' I said, 'Yeah, but my phone’s the only thing warming up!

I called an Uber today. It was stuffy and I asked the driver, 'Can we roll the windows down?' He said, 'No. I don't want us to be seen together.'

I signed up for a dating app, my profile got flagged. 'This content may be harmful to others’.

My buddy pinned his location. I asked him how to get there.  

I’m still learning, folks. Still learning.

I’ve been catching up...

COVID hit me hard. I stayed home for two years, gained 30 pounds, and my only exercise was walking to the fridge–It's finally over but my wife and kids are still social distancing.

COVID was like my mother-in-law—always around, never leaves, and you can't get rid of it no matter how hard you try! Give me a vaccine, won’t ya.

The opioid crisis is no joke. I told my buddy I was feeling down. He said, 'Try these pills!' I said, 'Buddy, if I wanted to feel worse, I’d call my mother!' 

Doctors

After you’re dead, the first thing they tell you is to see a doctor.

My doctor said I should go on a diet. I said, ‘The last time I went on a diet, the only thing I lost was my wife.’

He told me I need more exercise. I said, 'Doc, I'm running from my problems every day!'

I told my doctor I wanted to try Ozempic. He said, 'it's authorized for human use only.’

My dentist said, 'You have the worst teeth I’ve ever seen.' I said, Doc, you should see the rest of me!

My dentist said I need a crown. Finally, someone who thinks I’m royalty.

I just can’t get no respect.

The world has changed. I’ll tell ya…

Global warming’s got me sweating bullets. I told my doctor, 'I’m overheating!' He said, 'It’s not global warming—it’s your blood pressure!' 

I’m catching up, I’ll tell ya…

I asked my friend what his pronouns were. He said, 'They/them.' I said, 'Cool, mine are Tired/broke.' 

We’re all just trying to get through the day!

My trans friend said transitioning was like updating your operating system. I said, 'Yeah, but mine’s still running Windows 95.'

I saw a sign that said 'Gender-Neutral Bathroom.' Finally, a place where I can cry in peace.

These Gen Z kids are always canceling people. I said, 'How about canceling me?' They didn’t reply. I just don't get no respect.

Family

When I was born, the doctor slapped my mom. She asked, 'What was that for?' The doc said, 'For bringing him into the world.

When I was a kid in the '90s, my older brother was mean. He said if I ate Pop Rocks and drank soda together, I’d explode. Guess what my parents got me that Christmas?

I told my wife I wanted a quiet place for my birthday. She booked me a one-way train ticket to East Palestine— I finally get to go to the holy land.

When I was born, my mom asked the hospital for a refund. They said, ‘Sorry, all sales are final.’

I asked ChatGPT if I was ever loved. It said, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t answer that question.’ Everyone tells me that.

I called my parents to ask why they never loved me, and they said, 'We were busy loving each other.' I said, 'Well, thanks for the invite!'

I get no respect—I went to my family reunion, and they checked my ID.

Getting My Life Back

Since I’ve been back, I’ve been working at restarting my life.

I went to a job interview. The guy said, 'We need someone responsible.' I said, 'I’m your guy! In my last job, whenever something went wrong, they said I was responsible!

So I work at a crypto exchange. People keep asking when I’ll crash.

I joined a support group for people addicted to online shopping. They’re still charging me $9.99 a month. 

I went to Shake Shack and asked for a milkshake. The guy said, 'What flavor?' I said, 'Surprise me.' He dumped a Peppermint Shake on my lap.

My friends threw me a surprise party. The surprise was that no one showed up.

Even my dog disrespects me. I come home, and he brings me the leash and says, 'Here, take yourself for a walk.

My dog has an App to tell him what dog park I'm at so he can go someplace else.

I asked my Uber driver, 'Can we take the scenic route?' He said, 'the scenic route would mean you getting out of my car.'

Technology, I’ll tell ya…

I get no respect from my 3D printer—it says my jokes are too flat.

I get no respect from my smart fridge—it keeps telling me to close the door.

I get no respect from my self-driving car—it takes the back route so no one sees me.

I get no respect from YouTube—my only recommendations are on how to get a life.

I get no respect from OnlyFans—it keeps asking me to be a paying customer.

I get no respect from Spotify—it always suggests breakup playlists.

I get no respect from ChatGPT —it keeps asking me to try again later. Even a computer doesn’t want to talk to me.

I get no respect from Google—it keeps asking me to take a personality test.

I get no respect from my robot vacuum—it cleans my neighbor's house and brings his trash back to my place.

I signed up for a speed dating event, and they called it off fast.

I told my flight attendant I was nervous about flying these days. She said, the TSA is nervous about me flying, too.

I can’t take it anymore — I called the suicide hotline, and they said I would be an ideal customer.

But I’m learning to look at the bright side.

I always thought my parents didn’t love me. They never hugged me. Then one day, they bought me my first bike. I said, Wow, maybe you care! And then they told me to learn how to ride on the highway out front.

I thought my parents didn’t love me. They never gave me compliments. Then one day one, my dad shows up and says, You’re doing great. I say, Wow, maybe you do care! He says, Nah, I just wanted to make sure you don't quit your day job.

The show’s almost over, folks. 

Somebody show me the way to the bathroom. I’m going to change on the way out of this joint so no one recognizes me. Getting laughed at is usually what happens right before I get punched in the face.

I get no respect. That’s the story of my life. 

But hey, life’s too short to take seriously! Remember, if you’re feeling down, just look at me and realize it could be worse!

Folks, it’s been great! 

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