Submitted to: Contest #148

A Deadly Noise

Written in response to: "Write a story involving a noise complaint. "

LGBTQ+ Gay Suspense

This story contains sensitive content

TW////: domestic violence, homophobia, murder, suicide, Cussing, Profanity



For as long as I can recall, I loved girly things but I thought it was because I was a feminine straight guy. But of course, I was just regular gay. When I saw my boyfriend Noah Hudson, the captain of the football team. for the first time I knew that he was mine. We met on a school trip where I tripped over myself and he caught me in his strong arms. We've been together 3 years and tonight is prom night. It was probably around 3 pm as I can recall my boyfriend asked me to go to the prom with him. Of course, I said yes

He hugged me softly and I could feel his strong arms and smell his cologne as he softly whispered into my ear, “ Pick you up at 8 pm cutie.” As I push him away aggressively, I firmly said: ” No, Noah my parents don't know I am gay, much less dating you”. He gave me a look I will never forget, like he was broken inside and out and he said in a quivering voice, “ See you at 8 pm sharp. Tell your parents before I pick you up”. He was hanging his head down sadly as I said goodbye to him as I was getting into my mom's car. I didn't talk to my mother the whole car trip and when I got out of the car my mom said “ Get ready for dinner in an hour”. I replied, “Yes, ma’am”. As that hour passed, I created a speech of what I going to say and I was freaking out. Would I be accepted or rejected? As I heard "Come down, it's ready”, I rushed downstairs, nervously shaking my cold hands with my head hanging down as I was going to the kitchen table. As I sat down, my mother and father both said, “ Are you doing okay? You don't seem like you are feeling well”. I said, “ Yeah, I am feeling fine”. It was awkwardly silent for a long time until my dad said “Have you found a pretty girl to take to prom?”. I said” Not exac-” as he cuts me off saying “ I am sure you did. You're a good-looking guy and funny if I might add .” he said with a wink. As I tried to raise my voice, saying “I didn't find a girl bu-”, he kept talking. I was building up anger and I jumped up from my seat and slammed my hands on the table yelling “I AM GAY AND I AM TAKING MY BOYFRIEND NOAH HUDSON TO THE PROM TONIGHT!!!”. My mom hugged me and it felt so comforting. While she was crying she said, “I am proud of you my beautiful baby boy ”, but on the other hand, my dad gave me a look of disapproving my whole existence. After my mom hugged me, my dad whispered in a very nasty tone “Go into your room and don't come out until I say so”. I did what he asked, but while I was crying, my heart felt heavy and cold and I wanted a hug again. I looked up to my dad it and was very hard getting rejected by him. I was in my room until around 6:30 pm and as I was getting ready for prom, I heard my parents arguing. I began eavesdropping and I heard my dad saying “I didn't raise no god damn faggot! I raised him in the church he knows HE IS A SIN! He needs Conversion Therapy! This is all your goddam fault! YOURS, not mine! All yours!”. My mom replied, “He's perfect how he is and we’re both his parents! HOW COULD YOU BE SO CRUEL”. You could hear how terrified my mom was in her voice. I was crying quietly because she had always been here for me, protected me when I needed it the most. Then it went very quiet, so I walked across the hallway to peek through the door crack of my parent's room to see what was going on. As I got there, I looked and saw my dad's red face grab the semi-automatic pistol he got from his father, point it at my poor wonderful mother, and scream from the top of his lungs, “ He's not my son, he's yours, stupid bitch! ”. I jumped through the door so fast my head was spinning out of control. I could barely think. I tried to grab the gun out of his hand while he was fighting back and shot it through the bedroom window. The glass was everywhere. The next shot was by me, an accidental shot in his right shoulder. As he was screaming bloody murder, it hurt my ears. There was blood everywhere and I was so terrified I had no idea what was going on around me. My mom went to comfort him out of guilt that this was her fault. He hugged her while her head was on his chest but there was a piece of glass beside him on the ground. He slowly picks it up and stabs her in the neck multiple times, I looked at him as I said “You're the one going to rot in Hell! I loved her, you son of a bitch” and I shot him in the head. As I dropped the gun, stunned, I went to kneel next to my mom to help her with her bloody open wounds, trying to clean them. She died in my arms within minutes. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe, so I took the last shot and help myself from the trauma I had caused myself, as well as the pain in my heart. My last words were with my face covered in tears, “I love you Noah Hudson. I will be forever yours”. 


Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”. 


Neighbor: “Hello,

       I live at 302 Magnolia road and I’m calling about the house next door. I’ll like to make a noise complaint."



Posted Jun 03, 2022
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14 likes 13 comments

15:15 Apr 17, 2023

please make more i looovvveedd this to much !!!!

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Lucas Savard
01:52 Oct 24, 2023

Will do!!

Reply

Yves. ♙
02:01 Aug 08, 2022

Another LGBT story! I only wish this one hadn't ended so tragically. Hoping it doesn't come from a personal place; this was very sad. Thanks for sharing!

Reply

Lucas Savard
21:45 Aug 15, 2022

Thank you so much❤️🖤🖤🖤

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Michael .
19:28 Jun 06, 2022

Damn- Rip. The neighbor hears gunshots and then just goes "I'd like to make a noise complaint."

Reply

Lucas Savard
20:35 Jun 06, 2022

Haha i was thinking have the neighbor be some party kid or a old lady thinking its fire works

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Michael .
18:37 Nov 11, 2022

Sorry its been a few months-- I've genuinely forgot about this, but yeah, that's actually a really good idea!

Reply

Kay Northbridge
20:10 Jun 04, 2022

Hi There,

I'm back to leave a critique, as promised. Please allow me to preface this by saying that I personally find the most useful feedback to be that which points out errors or areas for improvement, therefore that is the kind of feedback I try to leave for others. If you disagree with anything I say feel free to ignore it or if you have any questions, drop a message and I will be happy to discuss.

I'd like to start by saying that the story reads a little like an autobiography, I cant help but wonder if this is something that happened (in part) to you, or perhaps to someone you know. Whether it did or not, it is a brave topic to cover and it's important that discussion of this kind of thing is brought to people's minds, so I admire you for tackling it. The ending is so sad and yet so believable that it really made me stop for a moment and consider people put in these positions. It's a very thoughtful piece of writing.

In terms of critique - the first thing I notice about this piece is that it is almost entirely made up of just one paragraph. It would be easier to read if it was broken up a little. If you are not sure where to start new paragraphs, a general rule of thumb would be whenever a new topic / direction / time frame starts.

Because it is hard to format in Reedsy, I tend to start new paragraphs with a blank line to separate them from the previous one to make it clear where they start and finish.

Another way to break up the prose here would be by correctly formatting the dialogue. Every time a different character speaks the speech should start on a new line. As with paragraphs, I usually leave a blank line between.

I think you would benefit from the Reedsy email courses on dialogue - I am not allowed to post links in comments but if you Google for Reedsy Writing Courses you will find a whole list of free email courses that Reedsy offer - they are very very useful.

You also have a few places where you have missed punctuation - I suspect these are just typos - but it always worth a thorough proof read (at least three full reads through) reading out loud to yourself, to find typos and missing punctuation. You have a few missing full stops, quite a few extra spaces around speech marks, and a few places where commas should sit but a full stop is there instead. I try to get at least one other person to read my stories before the submission deadline as well and get them to leave comments so that I see anything they pick up that I might have missed.

The story jumps tense a couple of times. For example here:
My mom went to comfort him out of guilt that this was her fault. He hugged her while her head was on his chest but there was a piece of glass beside him on the ground. (He slowly picks it up and stabs her in the neck multiple times,)

This section starts off talking about the past, but then the section in brackets suddenly switches to present tense - it is distracting for the reader when the grammar isn't right. Again - several good proof reads will help you to pick these things up.

Something else I note about this story is that it is almost entirely telling, not showing. Telling is when you spell things out for the reader, make it immediately obvious what is happening and what everything is in the story. This is fine for some of the time, but readers like to fill in the gaps for themselves. And that is where showing comes in. There is a general rule of "Show don't tell" which can be used to improve the quality of prose and make it more appealing to readers.

A basic example would be:

Telling: It was a dark winter night. Elaine walked down the road.

Showing: Elaine struggled to see through the swirling snow, the street lamps were out as she passed number 7.

Reedsy offer a very good email course on Show Don't Tell - I think it would be really useful for you.

I hope this has been useful. If you would like to discuss feel free to reply with a comment.

I'd like to reiterate before I sign off, that I feel this is an important topic to write about and that I admire your bravery in posting about it here. It looks like you are new to Reedsy - I'd like to welcome you to the community. I hope you find it interesting and constructive.

All the best, K

Reply

Lucas Savard
22:38 Jun 04, 2022

Thank you so much also its pride month and homophobia needs to be discussed i love everything you said and I agree I will say I only had a day to write and I was stressed after the contest I will edit :)

Reply

Kay Northbridge
15:18 Jun 04, 2022

Hi there, thank you for reading and commenting on my story for the same prompt. If you would like me to leave a critique of your story feel free to reply to this comment and let me know.

Reply

Lucas Savard
16:49 Jun 04, 2022

Yes please! 🖤

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Todd Johnson
00:01 Jun 09, 2022

Dj Playz, this is a true original, very fast-paced, raw and brutally honest. I will not mention the obvious issues with this, as others have done a thorough and very fine job at that, but I do want to commend you for giving this your all and having the courage to submit it.

Reply

Lucas Savard
20:48 Jun 20, 2022

Thank you

Reply

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