No Comet

Well, I guess it had to happen sometime: my first (and so far only) one-star review. I always wondered how I’d feel when the inevitable happened. Deflated? A little wounded perhaps? No, I am absolutely devastated. This is worse than getting an E for my History ‘A’ level or failing to gain entry to my first-choice University. I haven’t slept well for the last two nights as my brain goes over and over the hugely negative response to my three years of creativity. My yet-to-become-best-selling-novel.

The fact that I was averaging a respectable 4.4 on Amazon before this ‘Top Reviewer’ came along only adds to my distress. I accept that my book isn’t to everyone’s taste (a light-hearted, humorous account of dog-sitting) but did she really need to go for the jugular? Even a one-star review could be constructive in its criticism, but oh no, not this lady, she wants to knock me to the ground, put the boot in and then stamp on my face. 

“I have my own business boarding dogs.” (Uh-oh.) “I care for up to 3 dogs at a time while the owners go on holiday.” (No doubt you make plenty of money out of that. I do it for free.) “They stay in my home and are treated as if they were my own. But I don't just sit and watch the TV and do the occasional walk.” (Er, excuse me? When did I suggest that my characters sat around watching TV? Page number?? There is no mention whatsoever of my characters watching TV. I don’t have a TV so wouldn’t know what to write about. And if you call climbing Cat Bells in the Lake District an ‘occasional walk’ I can’t imagine what you do? Hadrian’s Wall? Offa’s Dyke?)

“There’s doggy playtime, obedience training and 30-40 photos a day with a written doggy diary.” (Frankly, if I was on holiday, the last thing I would want is a barrage of photos of my dogs and certainly not a ‘doggy diary’. And anyhow, if you’re SO busy playing with them, training them, taking and forwarding 40 photos how on earth do you find time to write a diary?)

“I know this is meant to be a light-hearted read (and many people will love it).” (They do. In fact everyone who’s read it apart from you has loved it. It was averaging 4.4 on Amazon and Goodreads before you downloaded a copy. Julie laughed til she cried, Becky says I’m now up there with her four favourite authors, Matthew likened my writing to Gerald Durrell and many can’t wait for the sequel.)

“But I keep having issues with the content...I'll explain.” (Go on then, I’m all ears.)

“First of all I sincerely hope that the names and places have been exaggerated.” (I think you mean changed, not exaggerated, and yes, I do explain, quite clearly, at the end of my book that all names and details have been anonymised, except it seems you didn’t get past chapter two so didn’t manage to read that bit.)  

“Some of the houses that they visit seem less than savoury. I certainly wouldn't like mine to be written about in this way (unless the details have been seriously changed.) (They have.) The author also describes going into rooms that are NOTHING to do with house-sitting).” (Well if you’re going to shout so am I. Er, it’s FICTION. But you clearly didn’t pick up on that.)

“Secondly the husband is irritating me a little as he no sooner arrives that he sits down for a rest. Perhaps he's not well or older than the lady - but it was another little (minor) bug bear.” (Had you bothered to read the whole book and allowed the characters to develop, you would have discovered that ‘the husband’ is a retiree and that his ability to fall asleep at the drop of a hat is intended to add to the humour. However, you don’t seem to have a sense of humour so it would have been wasted on you.)

“But my main issue is around the care side - things like walking off lead. I'm registered with my local council and have a 5* rating and the first thing I tell any new customers is that I NEVER let someone else's dog off lead as you cannot guarantee that they will come back (and especially not for a stranger). And I've got £5m public liability insurance!!!” (Well good for you lady! I actually took time to qualify why the dog in Chapter 2 was walked off-lead but you were obviously so bored by then that you skimmed that bit.)

“Anyway. For most people (who are not being hypercritical of their doggy care skills) (you mean, people like you) this will be a nice read. For me? I'm giving up at 25% as I was starting to grind my teeth.” (So you gave up without giving either the characters or the story-line a chance to develop and clearly still haven’t caught on to the fact that it’s FICTION.)

So with one scathing review I have plummeted from being 1,234th in the Travel Writing category to 8,990; from 978th to 5,070 in the General Humorous Fiction and from 2367th to 11065 in Humour. So what is a ‘Top Reviewer’ on Amazon anyhow? A little research tells me that it’s someone who has left more than 1000 reviews. (Where do these people find the time, especially if they’re busy taking photographs of dogs and writing diaries? And come to that, the money. 1000 products is a lot of spending.) Good grief, it seems there are even ‘Hall of Fame reviewers’. This is serious stuff. Amazon suggests, “Take a minute to explore the reviews written by these customers. They will inspire you.” Somehow I doubt it, but let’s see what else my reviewer has had to say about other people’s life’s work.

“I’ve read all books by this author but have to say this was a non-starter for me. I gave up after Chapter 3 as it really didn’t seem to be going anywhere.” (Mmm.)

“I found the characters insipid, especially Julia. If you care for soppy, over-romanticised stories then you might enjoy this but frankly I couldn’t get past the first love scene. There is no way someone like Julia would have been attracted by Rodney.”

“I’m not normally one for sci-fi but thought I’d give this a try. However, I found it so far-fetched it was ridiculous. Maybe the author was trying to create another world in the reader’s imagination but it really didn’t come off and the aliens were absolutely ridiculous. Maybe he should try another genre.”

And so it goes on. She never seems to finish anything (possibly because she’s too busy running round taking photos of dogs?) So her harsh reviews send otherwise successful authors’ ratings plummeting at the press of a one-star button. Further investigation reveals that very little in this world is satisfactory. Our ‘Top Reviewer’ has also rated dental-floss (2 star, inferior floss that catches on my teeth); Felt-tip pens (1 star, the colours weren’t remotely like the ones shown); Bird-seed (1 star, the birds haven’t been near it and it didn’t come cheap. I used to have an abundance of birds in the garden but all I have now is a large rat.); Collagen (1 star, I was assured that this would make my skin smooth and encourage both nail and hair growth. I have been using it now for over a month which has cost me £42 and no-one has noticed any change in my appearance. There are clearly false claims being made and I shall be requesting a refund.)

I realise that there is now a serious need to get this woman to the bottom of my review list. I send an email to all my friends requesting that they rate my book for me, (naughty but necessary). I suggest to my Facebook and Twitter followers that they too might be kind enough to give it a generous rating but no, in spite of their efforts, my ‘Top Reviewer’ comes out tops every time because, well, because she’s a ‘Top Reviewer’ and will remain at the top for the rest of my literary career no matter how many lovely readers give me a five-star rating.

I go back to the review. Although there is no name attached it seems that she is based in Cleethorpes. I Google “Dog day-care in Cleethorpes”. There’s only one. The rather dated web-site shows an elderly woman wearing a pin-striped shirt turned up at the collar and a string of pearls, her hair held back in an Alice-band. She’s standing in front of a row of stables with a dove-cote in the background cuddling two Maltese terriers. I scroll down to “Leave a review”. This could be fun.

“As the owner of three boisterous, energetic spaniels, whom I love dearly, I occasionally need to have some time off to recharge my batteries. They’re hard work and at times I just long for some time off. Such was my intention when boarding my dogs with you while I took a much-needed break. To be bombarded on a daily basis by a barrage of photos reminding me of their presence and a nauseatingly twee ‘doggy diary’ was the last thing I needed…”