Memories of Celebration

March 15, 2008



It’s her second birthday. Although, technically it’s the third, if we count the day she was born. But anyway, we’ll say second. To celebrate, her parents drive her over to the park next to the lake that she loves. There, she gets some small rocks, and one by one, throws them into the lake. There is something she loves about throwing the rocks and hearing the little plop sound they make when they hit the water.

March 15, 2009

Birthday. Third one now. This time, she is at a completely different house, country, and continent. She also has a little sister now. She has on a beautiful red dress and black shoes. There is a vase full of flowers, though fake, made with felt of all colors. She picks a blue one, and stays making her way over to the kitchen, where her family is waiting. There is grandma, who she feels closer to than anyone else. Grandma made her birthday cake, and she wants a piece of it.

March 15, 2010

This year, her aunt and uncle are here, in addition to everyone else. She is happy they are here, because they brought presents for her. And there is a delicious cake again this year. As she blows the candles, she can’t help but feel happy to have everyone there, celebrating her fourth year. It feels nice to be celebrated.

March 15, 2011

Birthday. Again. But this time, no one is celebrating. Instead, everyone has a sad and dull look on their faces. Her parents tell her that grandma passed away last night. She doesn’t know how to feel about that yet. She just knows that there is no birthday cake or presents this year.

March 15, 2012

She is surrounded by her friends in kindergarten. Everyone, including her teacher, are clapping as she blows the candles off the cake her mom brought to class. There are a lot of decorations on it, and it tastes good, but not like grandma’s.

March 15, 2013

For her seventh birthday, she is having a party. All of her friends come, and they all play together. They eat the food her mom made, and then try to, and fail at, getting the candy to fall out of the piñata she was so excited for. In the end, her mom cuts it open, and everyone gets the candy.

They go outside, and the weather is great. They play at the park outside of their apartment, and she forgets about everything else.

March 15, 2014

It’s the middle of the day when her mom calls in to let her know she brought the cookies. She goes down to the office to pick them up, and brings them back to class. The cookies are all part of a broken-down gingerbread house she asked for her birthday. She hands the cookies out to all of her classmates, and takes one herself. The rest of the day tastes a bit sweeter.

March 15, 2015

This year, they are at her grandparents’ house. Grandparents, because her grandfather had remarried, and she now has a step grandmother. That doesn’t matter to her a lot at this time. She is a nice person, and she likes her. She is nine, what else could she think about her?

Additionally, there is her aunt who has come from work. That year, she got great presents from everyone, and they ate the cake they had bought on the way. 

The cake tasted great, and new family wasn’t so bad either.

March 15, 2016

She has just gotten her period. It’s hard for her to take. This on top of how much her world has changed already? She was in a different country trying to learn a new language, and the last thing she wanted to see was blood on her underwear. For her, getting her period means much more than the blood. It means more responsibility, and some key changes to her life. She is not sure she can take it all, and she goes to her room to cry.

Thankfully, her mother comes in to reassure her that she is going to be fine, and would she like some cake? 

It’s hard to turn down a piece of birthday cake. The weight of new responsibilities could wait until tomorrow. This was her birthday.

March 15, 2017

Her family is taking a field trip to a museum this year for her birthday. Coincidentally, the museum is celebrating its 50th anniversary, and she gets to feel like it is all for her. She looks around at everyone else in the museum, and she feels connected to all of them. She thinks about them a bit longer than most people would. They all seem like unique people, with their own complete stories and everything else she does not know about them. She feels the urge to get to know all of them individually. Bit of course, she knows that’s not possible, so instead, she looks away, and focuses on celebrating.

March 15, 2018

Yet another year, yet another birthday. She should feel happy. She should celebrate. Instead, she feels depressed and lonely. She has moved to a new place again, and this time, she hasn’t been able to make any friends at all. She misses her old friends, and her birthday almost feels worse than most days. She finds herself tearing up while thinking about her past birthdays, filled with birthday cake and presents and celebration. This year, it’s almost as if her family is acting according to her mood. 

Finally, after she gets in bed that night, her loneliness gets too heavy, and she starts to cry, quiet weeping turning into heavy sobbing, and finally sleeping from the exhaustion of feeling all alone.

March 15, 2019

She takes a few small steps towards him. He is the first person she will try to become friends with after talking with her mother about how lonely she felt for a very long time. Since it’s her birthday, she feels that it’s time she attempted to make friends with some advice.

Her timid steps gradually turn into more confident ones as she gathers up some courage and says “Good morning,” to him. He looks up, confused as to why she has just talked to him right then. They talked sometimes during math class, but that has seemed to be it. She had decided they could perhaps become better friends. But of course he would be confused. This wouldn’t be as easy as just saying hi and becoming best friends.

She decides that that will be it for today, and stays in her normal seat, away from everyone else.

It feels good to make some progress after not doing anything for so long.

March 15, 2020

The loneliness is there again. This time, it’s caused by not seeing anyone for three weeks straight. But social distancing has made her realize something on her 14th birthday. She is not really that close to any of her friends. They are not calling or texting her, and she cannot bring herself to either, because she doesn't know what she would talk to them about. She don’t feel a deep connection with any of her friends, and she feels like no one understands her. She can’t tell her parents about all the fears in her mind eating away at her and the loneliness she is feeling from the lack of a best friend, someone to listen to her and someone she can listen to. She doesn't want to die alone, she thinks that she will have no one to talk to in the afterlife.

And then, she thinks of her grandma, probably already waiting there for her. After nine years, she really starts to think about her. And she finds that she feels a very deep connection towards her. She wants to see her and talk to her about everything. She says out loud:

“Grandma?”

Nothing.

“I know you probably can’t hear me, but I want you to know that I love you and I miss you. I remember you as the nicest person I’ve ever known. You never got mad at me or my sister, and you always wanted what was best for us. That much, I remember. I want to get to know you better. I want to know what you were like as a child, what you dreamed of, what you experienced. I want to see you again, grandma. I feel so lonely, and maybe you could help me with that, if you were still here. I miss you.”

She starts to cry. She cries for the times she didn’t have anyone, and when she just wanted to not exist anymore, to not feel. She cries for the connection she wants to have with someone and the fact that she will probably die alone. She cries, because it feels like she is suffocating, and she wants to sob and gasp her way out of it. She cries for things she can’t explain and things she can’t have and doesn’t have. As she finds more and more things that are either painful or impossible, her sobs get louder.

“Who wants cake?” Her mother yells out to the whole house.

“Me!” she says. Thinking about all the ways life sucks can wait. No way I’m not having cake on my birthday.