Theives

Written in response to: Set your story on New Year's Day.... view prompt

9 comments

Adventure Crime Romance


Ten 

The cheers of the crowded ballroom below us pull my attention from the man I am with and back to the task at hand. It's New Year's Eve and even though we are at one of the most exclusive parties in the city, we've slipped away to kick off the new year in a much more exciting way. I give his bottom lip a small nip before pulling away from our sultry kiss. We both take one more glance down the empty hallway before he pushes our embrace into the small, but elegant office. 

Nine

Wasting no time, I locate the safe behind the desk. Like everything else in this manor, the safe is archaic. It's from the 1920s and it’s art deco styling fits in perfectly with the rest of the home's decor. The dark wood paneling and delicate metallic details that cover the halls and rooms here feel cold and wealthy. A reflection of our hosts' most valued traits. As intimidating as the safe may look to the usual victims that sit across from this desk, to me it looks like the chance that I have been waiting for. 

Eight

I twirl the dial, using the moment of silence between the countdown to hear for the small knock, just as I have practiced. Tick. My heart flutters for an instant but I shut it down, needing to keep my focus. Our render-vue in the hall was a cover for any eyes that wandered away from the extravagant show downstairs, but it was also a welcome distraction from how much I have riding on this. And how unprepared I feel. 

Seven

Using a delicate finger I twirl the dial again. Tick. I opted for a shiny gold nail polish to match my floor length gown for this evening. The vintage shop on 2nd Street is where I found the perfect dress for our job tonight. It too is from the 1920s, but it doesn't share the harsh energy in the architecture around us. Instead, the light gold beading glows around me, drawing lines up, down and around my body to create a delicate aura of elegance. The smart choice would have been something more conspicuous, but I am done with blending in. A small voice in my head suggests that I haven't made any smart choices recently, but this woman with her ear pressed into the obsidian steel has never felt more whole. 

Six

Another twist of the dial and then that world-shifting, final tick. I spin the large handle, and feel my world spin around me with every satisfying rotation that it makes. Planting my psyche back in the room, I swing open the door and quickly spot what I am here for.

Five

The first thing I grab is a small, but thick envelope from the bottom shelf. A quick peek inside confirms my assumption that it is full of cash. My man has been keeping an eye on the hallway but I felt his gaze turn my way as the safe opened. I toss him the envelope without looking at him. I hear him catch it. I also hear him let out a small laugh at what he would call my "assumptious attitude". He is always baffled by my ability to trust people so easily. In my defense, I have placed a lot more trust in him than I do most people. He was the one that made me believe in myself and my dreams. And showed me how to achieve them. 

Four

I grab the small notebook that I came here for and quickly slide up my dress to secure it in the garter that I wore specifically for the purpose. His laugh is cut off quickly by what I can assume was the sight of my thigh, draped in gold with the key to our future strapped to it. 

Three 

The crowd downstairs informs me that we are ahead of schedule so I take an extra moment to observe the contents of the safe. It's obviously staged to impress guests. An array of nic-nacs are displayed so that they can be shown off on a whim. Obviously our host has another, more secure safe that he keeps his most valuable possessions in. The fact that he regards this journal as a mere trinket to converse about tells me that he underestimates the power of knowledge. In the long game I have the upper hand. There is a small dagger that catches my eye. The handle is crafted from black wood with impossibly delicate strands of gold embedded around it in swirling circles. I'm not sure if it's old, but it's definitely expensive. It could also be useful on our way out. I tuck it into my garter with the journal and finally, glance towards the gaze that I feel caressing my body. The hunger that I expected to find piercing me is not there. Instead, I look up into a face beaming with pride. His handsome grin is almost boyish as he stares for a moment, seemingly in awe of the courageous hellion that I have become. 

Two

The chant draws his attention back to the hallway, giving it one last look before stepping out. I close the safe and flick the handle around in one cocky push. I rush through the door into the hallway and run smack into his hard chest. He closes the door behind me and forces me backwards against it with his full body on mine. Pulling me into a deep kiss that threatens to sabotage everything we have achieved tonight.

One

A groan of protest escapes my mouth as I press my palms into him to create space between us. I give him my best, "we don't have time for this" look, and then pull his hand with me to run down the hallway. When we reach the end, I throw my body into his arms and we stagger into the crowd. Another couple, drunk on champagne and celebration. We toast our way through the crowd to the main doors and I offer the security guard an enthusiastic apology for slipping out so early. 

We step outside at 12:03 on new year's day. I feel the quietness surrounding me like an actual blanket. The crisp air fills my lungs completely and tastes like hope. This moment is what I have dreamed of. This moment is something I think I am already addicted to. I can't suppress the smile that pulls at my lips as I look at the man on my arm. Tonight has been my rebirth. A reincarnation on a new year's day. 




January 02, 2024 02:09

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9 comments

20:57 Jan 04, 2024

Hi Abigail, As promised I have come back to leave a full critique. Please let me preface this by saying that personally I find the most helpful feedback to be that which points out where I might improve and what doesn't work for other people, and so I try to give others those kinds of pointers when I critique their work. You may not agree with everything I say and that's fine - while there are general "rules" in writing they are always applied very subjectively. It might feel like I have pulled out a lot of points below - please do not be...

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17:49 Jan 05, 2024

Wow Katharine, thanks for taking the time to write such great explanations, I really appreciate it! Pointing out filters is HUGE for me. That's so helpful. I am a total newbie so those are the pointers I am looking for. Examples of where I can use less words is also helpful and something I will look for. I appreciate you breaking out parts for feedback. It's all very tangible advice. I am feeling a bit like a fish out of water here so thank you for your insights, they are definitely helpful.

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18:31 Jan 05, 2024

No worries, I'm glad you find it useful. Reedsy do a series of short writing courses by email. They are free and really good for beginners. You can find thm by googling "Reedsy writing courses". I tried to copy the link for you but it didn't work. Best of luck 🍀

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03:04 Jan 06, 2024

Fantastic! Thanks so much

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16:38 Jan 03, 2024

Hi there! Welcome to Reedsy! I enjoyed reading this, it's a great way to use the ticking clock technique with an actual clock, and so little time on it. I like that it leaves a bit to the reader's imagination, but still shows enough about the characters to build some intrigue. I did spot a few points where I think it could potentially be improved. Let me know if you would like me to post a full critique.

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00:41 Jan 04, 2024

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment Katharine! I would absolutely love a full critique. I am an avid reader but I am just starting to take writing seriously so any help is appreciated.

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Mary Bendickson
05:07 Jan 03, 2024

Welcome to Reedsy. Your obviously are a creator. Thanks for the follow.

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Michelle Oliver
03:37 Jan 03, 2024

Nice building of tension here. I like the way you have framed the story with the countdown to the new year, it adds drama, suspense and high stakes risk. You have left so much space for the reader to bring their own interpretation to the page, which I really like. Those unanswered questions work really well to hook a reader in. What are they stealing, and why? Will they escape? How will their life change as a result? Who are they? Etc A nice, snappy, fast-paced thrill and a great first submission. Welcome to Reedsy!

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05:44 May 14, 2024

Love it

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