Ten
The cheers of the crowded ballroom below us pull my attention from the man I am with and back to the task at hand. It's New Year's Eve and even though we are at one of the most exclusive parties in the city, we've slipped away to kick off the new year in a much more exciting way. I give his bottom lip a small nip before pulling away from our sultry kiss. We both take one more glance down the empty hallway before he pushes our embrace into the small, but elegant office.
Nine
Wasting no time, I locate the safe behind the desk. Like everything else in this manor, the safe is archaic. It's from the 1920s and it’s art deco styling fits in perfectly with the rest of the home's decor. The dark wood paneling and delicate metallic details that cover the halls and rooms here feel cold and wealthy. A reflection of our hosts' most valued traits. As intimidating as the safe may look to the usual victims that sit across from this desk, to me it looks like the chance that I have been waiting for.
Eight
I twirl the dial, using the moment of silence between the countdown to hear for the small knock, just as I have practiced. Tick. My heart flutters for an instant but I shut it down, needing to keep my focus. Our render-vue in the hall was a cover for any eyes that wandered away from the extravagant show downstairs, but it was also a welcome distraction from how much I have riding on this. And how unprepared I feel.
Seven
Using a delicate finger I twirl the dial again. Tick. I opted for a shiny gold nail polish to match my floor length gown for this evening. The vintage shop on 2nd Street is where I found the perfect dress for our job tonight. It too is from the 1920s, but it doesn't share the harsh energy in the architecture around us. Instead, the light gold beading glows around me, drawing lines up, down and around my body to create a delicate aura of elegance. The smart choice would have been something more conspicuous, but I am done with blending in. A small voice in my head suggests that I haven't made any smart choices recently, but this woman with her ear pressed into the obsidian steel has never felt more whole.
Six
Another twist of the dial and then that world-shifting, final tick. I spin the large handle, and feel my world spin around me with every satisfying rotation that it makes. Planting my psyche back in the room, I swing open the door and quickly spot what I am here for.
Five
The first thing I grab is a small, but thick envelope from the bottom shelf. A quick peek inside confirms my assumption that it is full of cash. My man has been keeping an eye on the hallway but I felt his gaze turn my way as the safe opened. I toss him the envelope without looking at him. I hear him catch it. I also hear him let out a small laugh at what he would call my "assumptious attitude". He is always baffled by my ability to trust people so easily. In my defense, I have placed a lot more trust in him than I do most people. He was the one that made me believe in myself and my dreams. And showed me how to achieve them.
Four
I grab the small notebook that I came here for and quickly slide up my dress to secure it in the garter that I wore specifically for the purpose. His laugh is cut off quickly by what I can assume was the sight of my thigh, draped in gold with the key to our future strapped to it.
Three
The crowd downstairs informs me that we are ahead of schedule so I take an extra moment to observe the contents of the safe. It's obviously staged to impress guests. An array of nic-nacs are displayed so that they can be shown off on a whim. Obviously our host has another, more secure safe that he keeps his most valuable possessions in. The fact that he regards this journal as a mere trinket to converse about tells me that he underestimates the power of knowledge. In the long game I have the upper hand. There is a small dagger that catches my eye. The handle is crafted from black wood with impossibly delicate strands of gold embedded around it in swirling circles. I'm not sure if it's old, but it's definitely expensive. It could also be useful on our way out. I tuck it into my garter with the journal and finally, glance towards the gaze that I feel caressing my body. The hunger that I expected to find piercing me is not there. Instead, I look up into a face beaming with pride. His handsome grin is almost boyish as he stares for a moment, seemingly in awe of the courageous hellion that I have become.
Two
The chant draws his attention back to the hallway, giving it one last look before stepping out. I close the safe and flick the handle around in one cocky push. I rush through the door into the hallway and run smack into his hard chest. He closes the door behind me and forces me backwards against it with his full body on mine. Pulling me into a deep kiss that threatens to sabotage everything we have achieved tonight.
One
A groan of protest escapes my mouth as I press my palms into him to create space between us. I give him my best, "we don't have time for this" look, and then pull his hand with me to run down the hallway. When we reach the end, I throw my body into his arms and we stagger into the crowd. Another couple, drunk on champagne and celebration. We toast our way through the crowd to the main doors and I offer the security guard an enthusiastic apology for slipping out so early.
We step outside at 12:03 on new year's day. I feel the quietness surrounding me like an actual blanket. The crisp air fills my lungs completely and tastes like hope. This moment is what I have dreamed of. This moment is something I think I am already addicted to. I can't suppress the smile that pulls at my lips as I look at the man on my arm. Tonight has been my rebirth. A reincarnation on a new year's day.
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Hi Abigail,
As promised I have come back to leave a full critique. Please let me preface this by saying that personally I find the most helpful feedback to be that which points out where I might improve and what doesn't work for other people, and so I try to give others those kinds of pointers when I critique their work. You may not agree with everything I say and that's fine - while there are general "rules" in writing they are always applied very subjectively.
It might feel like I have pulled out a lot of points below - please do not be put off by that - as I hope came across in my original comment, this story holds much to be enjoyed just as it is - it caught and held my attention throughout - it made me want to know more - it was a very enjoyable read.
These are my suggestions:
The cheers of the crowded ballroom below us pull my attention from the man I am with and back to the task at hand. - This is a good, scene-setting opening. If I was being really picky I'd say you could swap "the man I am with" for "my man", its shorter and points out their relationship faster. Much of editing is about finding quicker and less wordy ways of saying things.
Like everything else in this manor, the safe is archaic. It's from the 1920s and it’s art deco styling fits in perfectly with the rest of the home's decor. - To me, archaic is older than the 1920s - a lot older. I googled it and the results would suggest the same. The line jars a bit for me because of this. Maybe you could say antiquarian, or just old, old fashioned, out dated, there are a lot of ways you could say this.
The dark wood paneling and delicate metallic details that cover the halls and rooms here feel cold and wealthy. - I really like the idea behind this line. Just check your spelling of panelling. Also "metallic details" doesn't fit quite right. Maybe "detailed metal work"?
As intimidating as the safe may look to the usual victims that sit across from this desk, to me it looks like the chance that I have been waiting for. - the second use of "look" in this line is a filter. Filters are when you say a character perceives something rather than just having the reader experience it. If you can cut out filters you bring the reader closer to the action. For example, here, I might choose to cut the filter (which also requires me to cut the first use of the word, since it is in there as an intended repetition, which will be sort of lost) by going for something like: As intimidating as the safe may be to the usual victims who sit across from this desk, to me it is the chance that I have been waiting for.
I'd also switch "that" for "who". Personally I don't like the current trend of referring to people as if they were objects in this way - but I don't know if your original is grammatically correct or not - maybe you could look that up if you're interested. Switching in "who" also helps you to avoid the repetition of "that" later in the line.
I twirl the dial, using the moment of silence between the countdown to hear for the small knock, just as I have practiced. - I really like this line - I'd just swap hear for listen.
Our render-vue in the hall - I believe it is rendezvous - it's French so will trip up the spell checker.
I opted for a shiny gold nail polish to match my floor length gown for this evening. The vintage shop on 2nd Street is where I found the perfect dress for our job tonight. - Most 1920s dresses were knee length - its quite possible that some were floor length but if she's in fancy dress for an occasion it seems more likely she'd go for something more typical?
The smart choice would have been something more conspicuous, but I am done with blending in. - I think you mean LESS conspicuous here. In which case perhaps the floor length bit makes more sense.
[The first thing] I grab [is] a small, [but] thick envelope from the bottom shelf. - I'd cut the brackets - these words are redundant and the line flows much faster without them which better reflects the action you're describing.
I toss him the envelope without looking at him. I hear him catch it. I also hear him let out a small laugh at what he would call my "assumptious attitude". - I'd cut the "hear" filters here. Maybe:
I toss him the envelope without looking at him. It rustles in his hands. He lets out a small laugh at what he would call my "assumptious attitude".
Is assumptious a real word? I did a quick google and still wasn't sure - fair enough if it is - also fair enough if it isn't but this is a word the character uses anyway. But if you are going for a real word here you best double check this one.
He is always baffled by my ability to trust people so easily. In my defense, I have placed a lot more trust in him than I do most people. He was the one that made me believe in myself and my dreams. And showed me how to achieve them. - I can't decide about this section - I might be tempted to cut it since it doesn't add to the storyline and it slows down the pace at a critical moment where it feels like the story should be getting faster. On the other hand it gives some insight into the characters. Maybe think about it? Also Defence I believe is spelt with a C.
His laugh is cut off quickly by what I can assume was the sight of my thigh, draped in gold with the key to our future strapped to it. - I'd shorten this too - and try to cut the filter even though it isn't from the POV character. Maybe: His laugh cuts off quickly as I expose my thigh, draped in gold with the key to our future strapped to it. - The reader can assume why he stopped laughing based on this.
I'm not sure if it's old, but it's definitely expensive. - In this context I'd say valuable rather than expensive - she's not going to buy it, she's going to steal it.
glance towards the gaze that I feel caressing my body. - I'm not sure you can glance towards a gaze - maybe swap a gaze for the eyes?
Another couple, drunk on champagne and celebration. We toast our way through the crowd to the main doors and I offer the security guard an enthusiastic apology for slipping out so early. - I really like the way this flows and it gives a beautiful image of what is happening.
I feel the quietness surrounding me like an actual blanket. The crisp air fills my lungs completely and tastes like hope. - Feel and tastes are filters - can you cut them? Maybe: Quietness surrounds me like an actual blanket. The crisp air fills my lungs completely and hope dances on my tongue.
You've done a really good job of showing us what she looks like - but we don't know much about him - can you find a way to hint at what he's wearing?
As I say - please don't be put off by all my comments - you've done a really good job of this - it's a very impressive first Reedsy story and I hope you are encouraged to write more. I hope these notes are helpful.
Best,
K
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Wow Katharine, thanks for taking the time to write such great explanations, I really appreciate it! Pointing out filters is HUGE for me. That's so helpful. I am a total newbie so those are the pointers I am looking for. Examples of where I can use less words is also helpful and something I will look for. I appreciate you breaking out parts for feedback. It's all very tangible advice. I am feeling a bit like a fish out of water here so thank you for your insights, they are definitely helpful.
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No worries, I'm glad you find it useful. Reedsy do a series of short writing courses by email. They are free and really good for beginners. You can find thm by googling "Reedsy writing courses". I tried to copy the link for you but it didn't work. Best of luck 🍀
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Fantastic! Thanks so much
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Hi there! Welcome to Reedsy! I enjoyed reading this, it's a great way to use the ticking clock technique with an actual clock, and so little time on it. I like that it leaves a bit to the reader's imagination, but still shows enough about the characters to build some intrigue. I did spot a few points where I think it could potentially be improved. Let me know if you would like me to post a full critique.
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Thanks for taking the time to read and comment Katharine! I would absolutely love a full critique. I am an avid reader but I am just starting to take writing seriously so any help is appreciated.
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Welcome to Reedsy. Your obviously are a creator.
Thanks for the follow.
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Nice building of tension here. I like the way you have framed the story with the countdown to the new year, it adds drama, suspense and high stakes risk. You have left so much space for the reader to bring their own interpretation to the page, which I really like. Those unanswered questions work really well to hook a reader in. What are they stealing, and why? Will they escape? How will their life change as a result? Who are they? Etc
A nice, snappy, fast-paced thrill and a great first submission. Welcome to Reedsy!
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Love it
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