As I sit on my lavish decorated pillows I contemplate about ancient Chinese kung-fu masters. I get why their hair was always white because, duh, they were ancient, but, what I can't get is why their mustaches were always as long as their beards. What if they fought with a man with no honor. All he had to do is grab a handful and yank. Not to mention a lack of fashion sense. They all looked like they went to the same barber.
My musing is interrupted by Pez; my underling flunky; who has entered my private chambers uninvited and unannounced yet again. Haah, so hard to find good help these days.
Pez has served me for 2 years now. When I found him he was running amok with some reprobates from up Collingwood Way. He tried to pick my pocket. I was in need of a new flunky so I offered him the position of being my menial serf or go to the clink. He readily agreed to work for me.
"What is it now Pez?" I ask.
"My goo (great omnipotent one)....the Avengers have saved the world from," Pez starts.
I interrupt, clap and say sarcastically, "Rah rah rah. The Avengers save the day AGAIN."
"But, but," Pez stammers.
"It's rather tired and boring now." I roll my eyes and fan the air with my hand. "I mean you have to agree; that whole group is rather a motley crew. You have a narcissistic jet powered robot, a testosterone overloaded angry green guy running around smashing things, an alien god with an enchanted flying hammer, incredible strength, and great hair, a Russian super spy that has bed most of her colleagues, an expert archer and fighter; which most believe is the weakest Avenger because hey, come on, he uses a bow and arrow and still fights hand to hand, all led by a old, patriotic, soldier from WWII that carries a glorified frisbee he calls a shield and who is only alive because of some super serum and natural cryogenics." I scoff.
"But goo aren't we to be happy and grateful that our lives, our world, is saved from a terrible end?" Pez asks.
"Blah blah blah...dippity doo dah. That's all fine and well. But let's face truth here shall we. The vast majority of mankind that exist in this world can't execute amazing feats of heroics that thwart all kinds of henious evils. Most can barely place one foot in front of the other to get them moving in the direction of completing their daily task and heaven forbid if they don't have an arsenal of stimulants at their disposal just to make it through said day. They can't seem to function without them. However, I the most goo, have devised a remedy that surely will level the 'super power' playing field," I say mirthfully.
"Ohhh goo whatever do you mean?" Pez inquires.
"I have given the average Joe and Joanna super powers from mere mundane abilities they possess."
"Ahhhhh goo but how does that work?" he questions.
"Come my pet; let me show you," I intone.
Cooper 》36 year old computer programmer, Morehouse graduate, single, crustless sandwich eater, singer of bad karaoke. Mundane ability:-Able to find random change that others have dropped on the ground.
Leslie 》23 year old high school drop out, unemployed, American Idol wanna be, only child, binger watcher of Law and Order. Mundane ability:-Able to do laundry happily.
"These two I've hand chosen as my test dummies because of their unimpressive and dull talents. On the surface it may seem that their super powers are unimportant, sub-par, nothing to shake a stick at; but let us watch my insipid nudnicks at work," I crowed.
Cooper usually plays chess with Patrick in Kirby park on Tuesdays. But today he has something important to do. So he by-passes Kirby Park; and instead he heads downtown. As he strolls along he hums to himself. He has an appointment at the county office of Raymore, Raymore, and Struth. Cooper was picking up approved zoning paperwork for a new city shelter he planned to open soon; when he sees a young girl in a group of people that are waiting at the crosswalk to cross the street. She is completely unaware that she is about to be a victim. A shifty eyed, young punk is sidling closer and closer to the young girl ready to snatch her purse and run. Cooper quickly does a 360 spin and scans the area. There on the underside of the curb are three quarters, two dimes, and three pennies. He makes a mad dash to the curb; scoops the coins up and hurls them with a knuckleball pitch at the kid's head. The lowlife goes down and gives the concrete a kiss. The young lady moves across the street with the rest of the crowd never knowing she had been targeted.
Moira is in a panic. She has a major problem and she doesn't know what to do. Moira is a caterer. In the evening around six; she has an extremely important contracted job; but doesn't have presentable coordinating uniforms for herself or her staff.
Some old pipes had burst in the middle of the night causing her local dry cleaners to close due to flooding in the store. Desperate, she asked her husband to wash and dry her and her server's uniforms while she shopped for last minute fresh ingrediants to create her best dishes.
Her husband did as she asked, however, he inadvertently added some red knee socks to the load. All the white shirts turned pink. Moira was despondent. After five years of trying; her catering company, The Ravishing Radish, had finally beat out 70 other catering services to provide an exquisite dining experience for the philanthropists and founders of dell computers, Michael and Susan Dell.
She bolted over to H&M's to see if she could find a suitable long sleeved, white, button up that could be worn by her employee's both male and female. Sitting in the parking lot; she realizes that she has no clue what sizes everyone wore. She slumps against the steering wheel and begins to bawl.
Leslie who was parked next to Moira asked if there was anyone she could call or anything she could do to help Moira.
"Noooooo," sobbed Moira then she explains the whole pitiful tale to Leslie.
Leslie smiles and says, "Never fear Leslie the laundry lady is here." She took the clothing disaster, jots down Moira address, and tells her that the uniforms would be delivered by 4 p.m.
When Leslie arrives home she turns on Law and Order Criminal Intent. She pre-treats the pink shirts with a stain remover; then submerges them in a tub of water made cold by dumping 3 trays of ice cubes in with it for 30 minutes. Next she uses Tide with bleach and washes all the uniforms running the wash cycle twice. As the clothes tumble in the dryer she sets up her ironing station complete with a spray bottle and starch.
After 4 hours all 26 uniforms were clean with no sign of pinkness, pressed, and packed in the back of her Nissan Sentra. At precisely 4 p.m. Leslie rings Moira doorbell. Moira flings the door open and cries with joy when she sees her flawless uniforms.
"Ohhhhhhhhh my goo what outstanding, splendid, terrific, marvelous, work," Pez gushes.
"Ah thank you my fawning lackey. Soon the face of super hero's and their powers will be revamped to include any Tom, Dick, or Harry with banal abilities. They will receive the same or more accolades; as their super human, muscle-head counterparts. For the first time in history the scales will be tipped towards an all inclusive balance," I profess.
"Now be off. Bring me my afternoon snack and this time please make sure it's cottage cheese and peaches instead of cream cheese," I declare.
"Yes of course. At once my goo," Pez replies.
I sit and assume a meditative posture. I think about my next two humdrum commoners to prepare for trial.
Juneau 》 19 year old gammer, grub hub driver, living in his grandma's basement, plays drums in a band called 'The Crispy Cremes.' Mundane ability:-Able to use fingers to blow soap bubbles.
Declan 》 42 year old corporate attorney, married, father of twin girls, pickle ball player, head organiser of the community block sale for his neighborhood.
Mundane ability:-Able to sweep any floor meticulously clean.
They were a work in progress. They still had a ways to go, but, were rigously training in order to hone their abilities into super power greatness. Everyday they were making strides.
A new chapter has been introduced and it's now time to turn the page. Everyone can shine in my new world. I envision equality among 'hero's' no matter how amazing or trite their super powers are.