Atonement by Proxy

It's odd that the things one has little to no control over can produce the most profound guilt. The same guilt that had Lily's guts in knots. Her client was dead. If she had been there a few minutes earlier she could have prevented it.

Lily checked her outfit, crisp western-style suit in a medium brown-grey. Her porcelain-pale skin, pale blue eyes, and white hair with spiked blue tips contrasting with the warm brown. As a member of the Board of Security Professionals, this was to be her first time to stand on the other side of the bench in a hearing.

She took a deep breath and entered the hearing chamber. Seated were the other six members of the board, with her normal seat empty. The remaining members of the board looked like a photo of the Founders of the Federation; uniformly dark brown, some with warm, reddish undertones, others cool, but all with "normal" African features. Lily, on the other hand, had the “less-desirable” Euro features, in spite of the fact that her father was a genetic engineer and could have made her look like the majority if he had wished.

Sitting in the gallery were the members of the SIMI Trade Commission Board, the highest authority on the station. In a normal hearing they wouldn't be there, but the BSP were to judge one of their own. Without oversight from the Trade Commission the entire hearing could be called into question. The Trade Commission was, contrary to what one would encounter in most parts of the Federation, made up of a broad array of face shapes and skin colors. What the Federation as a whole was supposed to look like.

 "Hearing number 302-13-21-LC is now in session." Ania, Director of the BSP, spoke from her position in the middle of the bench. "Lily Cavin, you are called before the Board of Security Professionals to give an account of the events of the 12th day of the 13th month of Federal Year 302.”

"I travelled to Mars... excuse me, Sol 4, Dome 418, on a commercial shuttle. I was scheduled to meet Dr Nadine Ngata at 04:30 Federal time, to manage security for the FDF Ethics and Oversight conference." Lily kept the guilt she felt from her voice. This was not the place for it.

"And what time did you actually arrive?"

"The shuttle was held in orbit for over two hours, and we touched down at 05:42." Lily took a deep breath to calm her nerves and went on. "I arrived at the main level of the dome at 06:04 and stopped by the first toilet to freshen up. And that's when I found Dr Ngata."

"How did you find the doctor?”

"She was in a stall, shot multiple times.” Lily felt the guilt rising like bile. "I told her not to leave her room before my arrival, but I wasn’t firm enough in my warnings.” She didn't add that the doctor had been distrustful, and had only hired her to squelch rumors of racism.

"Where were your local-hires while this was going on?"

"Locally hired security forces for the conference were due to arrive at 06:50 for a briefing," Lily said. “The two body-guards who were assigned overnight lost her at 05:53 when she refused to stay in her room and used privileged access to cut through a Police barracks with two exits on each of three levels. They said she was carrying a satchel, but it still hasn’t been found.”

“Was Dr. Ngata working with law enforcement?”

“Not directly,” Lily said. “I did a full intel and background before accepting her as a client. Her work was as an ethics consultant with the Federal Defense Force, not directly with Combat, Police, Fire, or any individual FDF components.”

“What kind of enemies did she have?”

“The kind that send death threats.” Lily shook her head. “I’m sorry. She had received 118 death threats over the previous 10 months, all untraceable.”

“The reason I asked about what kind of enemies,” Ania tapped her tablet and a document appeared on the large holo behind the board. “This is the autopsy. Nine bullets, all FDF issue, serial numbers traced to the main Police barracks of Dome 412. The same Dome 412 that was destroyed last month in an horrific terrorist attack. They were fired by a rail pistol taken from that same weapons locker, and the pistol was turned low enough to be subsonic, but just high enough to cause fatal injury.”

Ania looked at the other board members, each nodding in turn. “We have already gone over your contracts, security plan as outlined in the same, and relevant communications logs with Dr. Ngata and the local hires. You are excused while the board makes their judgement.”

Lily returned to her flat, near the station’s dock. It was below the level where rotation provided one G, originally designated for storage when the station was still a mining platform. The 1.21 G felt comforting, the extra weight her cocoon. She lay down and rested until her comm chimed, letting her know they had reached a decision.

She stood at attention before the board to hear their judgement.

Ania pounded the gavel. “It is the finding of this board, that the death of Dr. Nadine Ngata was not a failure of the security measures instituted by Lily Cavin on her behalf. Dr. Ngata purposely evaded the bodyguards hired to protect her, and ignored the warnings of Ms. Cavin as they pertained to her own safety. Ms. Cavin performed her duties according to the standards of the Board of Security Professionals. It is the finding of this board that Lily Cavin shall face no fine, sanction, or censure, and her license remains in good standing.”

Lily left the hearing and stood on the promenade, looking down on the people one level down doing their daily routines. The floors curved slowly up in both directions. By walking in one direction she could end up right back where she started. Growing up on the station meant that planets felt backwards to her. That might have to change, though. It was too late to try to change her role on the station, but she could move to one of the colonies, take up a trade.

Her reverie was broken by Ania. “Lily, can we talk?”

“Sure.”

“Listen,” Ania said. “I don’t know how you’re feeling, or what you’re going through right now, except guilty. I know that one well.”

“I should’ve made sure the bodyguards had access…” Lily was cut off by Ania’s finger on her lips.

“Should’ve, would’ve, could’ve… that’s not the truth, and some part of you knows it.” Ania stepped back from the railing. “Walk with me.”

Lily walked beside her, content to let Ania set the conversational pace. They entered a lift and headed up two levels. Once there, Ania led her to her flat and invited her in.

“Would you like some tea, Lily?”

“Sure.” Lily looked at the small flat, the few decorations overshadowed by a display on a small shelf; an image of a much younger Ania in FDF Police gear, and a medal and commendation. “So you were police in your mandatory service?”

“And after.” Ania set down a cup of tea for Lily on the table. Lily took the hint and joined her there. “Until my partner died on the job. He should’ve waited for me to show up, but he didn’t.” A shadow crossed her face, and brief grimace of pain.

“I’m sorry,” Lily said. “That must be hard.”

“It was… still is, if I’m honest.” Ania set her tea down and fixed Lily’s gaze. “But the mistake I made was leaving the force.”

“Why?”

“I blamed myself.” Ania’s face relaxed, her gaze soft. “If I hadn’t been held up in court, maybe my partner would still be alive. It took me too long to realize that, more importantly, if he’d waited for me, he’d still be alive.” She took another sip of tea. “I blamed myself. I let guilt dictate my next move and I left the force, in spite of how much I loved it.”

“I don’t see the relevance,” Lily lied. She did, but wasn’t ready to admit it.

“I see how much you love what you do,” Ania said. “But right now, you’ve got guilt chewing you up and clouding your mind. I didn’t give myself a second chance, but maybe…”

“Maybe?”

Ania sighed. “Maybe, if I can convince you to not make the same mistake I did, I can at least feel like I tried to redeem myself.”

“So,” Lily said, “this is about making yourself feel better? I’m your proxy? I don’t know how I can keep doing this job without feeling like a fraud.”

“Yes, it’s about making myself feel better, but,” she grabbed Lily’s hand, “it’s mostly about helping you through what you’re feeling right now.”

“I was considering working for my dad,” Lily said, “not the one here on the station but my other dad. He’s in one of the colonies, growing potatoes. At least I wouldn’t get anyone killed that way.”

“You didn’t get anyone killed.” Ania patted her hand. “This is what I’m talking about. You should take a week or two off, think it over. And I want to you to talk to me, any time of day or night, when you feel ready. I didn’t give myself a second chance, but maybe I can help you give yourself one.”

“You say I’m not at fault, but it took the board hours…”

“The board decided before you even walked out of the room.” Ania smiled. “We spent two and a half hours answering questions from the Trade Commission before we could announce our finding, though. And then one of the Trade Commission members had the gall to complain that we took too long to come to an obvious conclusion!”

“Okay, I’ll give it a couple weeks.” Lily walked to the door, and stopped halfway out. “What should I do in the mean time?”

“Why don’t we start with breakfast tomorrow? The café on the promenade at 07:00. My treat.” Ania shushed Lily before she could raise an objection. “I’ll see you in the morning, unless you need someone to talk to before then.”