Saturday Muffins

Ever since my mum lost her dad, my grandpa, because of cancer, she has always felt empty. Not completely downhearted Perse, but that usual glow in her eyes whenever she woke up in the morning, her bright and charming smile she always flashed at me and my Dad whenever she was making breakfast had sadness and pain written all over it, and it hurt me more than anything.

My mum loved Grandad, and so did I. He was without a doubt the most energetic and most loving man I have ever met. He acted quite young even though he's strength had slowly faded because of his old age. He was always working and always wanted to work even when my mum and dad would tell him to get some rest, he would brush all our comments aside and keep doing whatever he was doing while saying "I'm not gonna live forever, just let me live a bit would ya?" Just thinking about him saying those words now really hurt me.

Everyone living in our estate loved my grandad, they loved his optimism and his company; they loved how he was always so hearty and smiling at every point in time, but one thing that people loved the most and admired was my grandad's signature chocolate muffins.

Damn, were those things delicious.

Every Saturday afternoon, when my mum would go out to get groceries and my dad would work on his greenhouse, and I'd either be studying or playing a video game. My grandad would sneak into the kitchen and whip up a large batch of chocolate muffins and hand them over to us after we were all around and less busy. He's smile as we took bites of his muffins and moaned in satisfaction was priceless. He'd usually make large batches, so, my mum (Being the kind-hearted person she has always been) would package the remaining muffins and share them with our neighbors who always asked the same question we asked grandad all the time.

"What is your secret?"

"I'm just good at baking, I guess" He would reply with a bright smile and a shrug.

My mum told me he started making muffins for her when she was little after her mum (his wife) died in a car accident. Even though I never met my grandma, I could tell by how he talked about her and how my mum talked about her too that she was a good person. She told me how became depressed but eventually started using baking to heal his wounds, she also told me he would only do it on Saturday's because that's when he lost her, and ironically, probably because of some cosmic shit of the universe and probably a ton of other crap I don't understand my grandad died on Saturday as well.

And now, it's also his birthday.

Today.

And I want to honor his memory just like he did for grandma.

Ever since grandad died, my mum stopped taking muffins. She told me how she hated the fact that it reminded her of losing him and she honestly would prefer to stay without muffins than eat anyone other than his own, so; I decided to change that.

By making his signature chocolate muffins.

But that's the problem, it he's signature muffins. Not mine.

I thought I could replicate it, I honestly thought it would be easy after watching a bunch of YouTube videos on baking chocolate muffins but each time I taste the batter repeatedly and I can't help but groan and realize how stupid it was for me to try to replicate something even his daughter didn't know how to make.

"I'm just good at baking I guess" I remember his words and stare at the muffin batter with calculating but very annoyed eyes.

Guess I just suck at doing this huh?

I look at the clock in my kitchen and sigh. Mum and dad are going to be back home any minute. I groan again before I push the small bowl of cake batter aside and carry another small bowl, while staring at the ingredients on the table, silently praying they could all just calm together and form my grandad's beautiful mixture. But unfortunately, it's just a prayer.

My mum wanted to spend my grandad's birthday in the mortuary, paying respects to him and lying close to his grave. And my dad, well he didn't want to let my mum stay there all alone, so he tagged along, even though he felt like it was a pretty depressing way to celebrate her dad's day of birth, which I agree on, but she loved him, and the grieve of losing him still hangs around her. My dad told me if this is what it takes to ensure she comes back to her old self, he'd let her keep doing it until all shattered pieces of her some back together.

They left me alone in the afternoon and told me they'd be back by 8:00 pm, knowing I was done with all my schoolwork and had nothing to do until their time of arrival, I decided to just use that as an opportunity to make some decent progress in The Last Of Us 2. While playing my video game, a glimpse of my mum's sad face and her rejecting the muffins miss Connor, our neighbor brought for her, along with all her breakdowns and everything flash before my eyes and suddenly, I just thought of what to do.

Losing grandad was a bummer, a huge bummer, true, but the only way to heal from the grief of losing someone, the only way to attach the pieces of yourself you lost while grieving is to move on and that's what I wanted for my mum today. It wasn't just about celebrating grandad's birthday anymore; it was about letting him rest for good.

After I had planned the idea out and did all the necessary preparations, I called my mum and dad and told them I had a surprise for them, my mum didn't want to leave of course but my dad insisted that they both check out what I have planned. She refused continuously, but after a ton of persuasion agreed and decided to come over. I was excited and decided that the only way to make this even more special was by preparing grandad's signature muffins, but after a ton of failed attempts, I kinda regret calling them before it was ready. Now, I have just 1 hour before they get back. Luckily, it's a 3-hour drive from the mortuary.

What if this doesn't work? Hell, mum would be even more hurt that I tried to bring memories of him and I didn't even do it properly.

A picture of my mum's face smiling happily flashes through my mind and I shake my head.

No, no, no, I got this. I psych myself up before I put all the ingredients again, my thoughts going back to my mum now and then. I'll make her happy, I'll make sure this is the day she heals from the trauma, I'll make sure this is the day she becomes happier, I'll make sure this is the day she moves on. Grandad wouldn't have wanted her to be this way, and she needs to know that.

After I finish, I stuff my hand inside the batter and stuff it in my mouth. My eyes immediately widen.

OH. MY. GOD

______

"Dennis, we're home," My dad says and I hear the door close making my lip tug upward.

"In the dining room," I shout back in response and fold my hands behind my back while waiting for them to enter. As soon as the door opens, my mum and dad both stare around the dining room, both of them completely flabbergasted. My mum's eyes move from a picture of grandad on the wall to the dining table filled with different food items, drinks, candles, plates, and glass cups.

"Lady and gentleman, dinner is served," I say as I lead both of them to a chair.

"What's all this?" My mum asks while sitting down and I sigh while tugging at my apron.

"You've been so down about grandad for a while, and I wanted to arrange something that'll help you cherish his departure instead of being depressed about it. So, I did this," I say waving my hand around the table and her eyes become a bit glossy before she holds my hand and mutters a thank you. My dad nods at me with a proud smile.

"I cooked up all of grandad's favorite along with yours as well mum," I say and she smiles brightly while I walk around the table pointing at different food items.

"We got rice pudding, mashed potatoes, lasagna, stir-fry, bread, and a ton of other stuff I knew nothing about and had to check google for information," I say, and everyone laughs while I only smile lightly.

"Well, let's dig in, I'm starving," My dad says before he rubs his hands together and we dig in. After dinner, we all go to the living room and go through a reel of my grandad's album that he brought when he was staying with us, a ton of photos making us laugh our hearts out. I had to search around the house severally but in the end, I found it.

"And this, this is when he bought me a cat. Unfortunately, the cat didn't stick around and left me and dad" She says while pointing to an old picture showing her standing with a cat in her hand by grandad's side, we all stare at the picture for a while smiling until I get up and turn the reel off, and I hear my mum yawn from behind me. I walk back to my mum and dad and sit down on the couch and my mum grabs my hand and squeezes it lightly. A bright smile spread across her lips.

"You don't know how much this means to me Dennis, thank you," She says with glossy eyes and I smile sadly before hugging her while my dad watches with a small smile. I let her go and stare at her before I remember something.

"Wait here" Is all I tell her before I run to the kitchen. She stares at me in confusion and shrugs before she talks with dad. After a ton of plate rattling and looking for particular items, I come back into the living room with a tray filled with chocolate muffins. My mum stares at me and her eyes widen with a pained look in each pupil as her hand looks down on the muffins in my hand. I sit them down on the table and smile sadly at my mum and my dad just keeps staring at the muffins then back at me with a shocked expression. She stretches her hand and first picks up the paper on the tray and opens it up and reads it while tears fall freely from her eyes.

When people die, the only gift we can grant to them, is our happiness- Grandad.

I remember my mum telling me that was grandad's favorite quote after he lost his wife, and now I feel like she needed it to because if it kept grandad going even after going through so much, it was sure to keep her on her feet too.

"You've been through a lot since grandad died. But, I just wanted to let you know that holding onto this pain will break you. You need to move on. I don't mean you should forget grandad but I want you to cherish his memories instead and believe he's in a better place and give him the one thing he always yearned for when he was alive, your smile" I say and my mum stretches her hand and picks up a muffin and bites out of it before she drops it back and starts crying, she stands up and walks up to me and pulls me in a tight embrace while crying into my shoulders. My dad stares at her confused before he picks a muffin and takes a bite out of it and his eyes widen before he raises his head from staring at the muffin to me.

"It tastes just like..."

"Dad's. It tastes so much like dad's" My mum says while still crying into my shoulders and I raise my hand hug her tight and she does the same, tighter than before.

"Thank you so much, Dennis. Thank you so, so much. I can't explain how much what you did means to me. Thank you" She says while still crying and clean my eyes before my dad stands up and hugs both of us.

"Thanks a lot, kiddo," My dad says while hugging us both.

"I love you," She says while still crying and I nod while trying to hold my tears back but of course fail woefully.

"I love you too, mum," I say while all of us remain in that position.

How was I able to replicate his recipe? Even I don't still understand it. Something in me just clicked and everything just went well after I tried it again, I don't really know what ingredients he might have used to make his own so special but I know one emotion was always active whenever he made those muffins.

Pain.

The pain of losing his wife, and the pain of having to raise his daughter alone. Just like I equally felt the pain of having to see my mum keep going through this grief repeatedly.

Is that what the secret in the recipe is? I don't know. It could be or it could be the 2 extra eggs I added this time, whatever it is, I sure hope I get it again, for next time, for mum.

My mum and dad let go of me and she leaves her hands on my shoulder while staring at me with teary eyes but a bright smile before she asks me.

"How did you do it?" She asks and I'm about to give her an answer before I smile and say something different.

"I'm just good at baking, I guess," I say with a bright smile, making my mum and dad laugh. She keeps smiling at me before she turns back and looks at the muffins and then back at me with a grin.

"Come on, let's devour those before they get cold," She says and we all walk back to the chair before we eat the muffins and make jokes about times with grandad. Eating these muffins now, it feels like he's here like he has been this whole evening and I know for a fact that my mum feels that way too. She surprises me by stuffing a muffin in my empty mouth and laughing loudly when I stare at her, shocked.

She's happy for real again.

And I'm glad that she is.