Who is the bigger fool?

Trigger Warning: suicide

My fingers shivered as they glided across the sharp metal surface of the chains, they felt heavy under the weight of guilt which hung so greatly on the chains I had forged. I slide them across the ground into position, I was ready now. I just needed to wait…

Earlier that same day.

It had been a long time coming, I knew I had to do it. It might not make others laugh, but it would be the best April fools I have ever had, I will be so thrilled come 12 o’clock this morning. I had to prepare.

I thought about primary school when Conor, the kid who bullied me after school every Monday to Friday, had prepared a special April 1^st in my honour. The look on his face when my skin felt burning hot and began to speckle with red inflamed pulses, the itching powder had irritated by flesh like an infestation of lotus. The scabs still speckled my skin, freckles, blemishes of humiliation littered my face and arms. How much I wanted to kill him, how much I wanted to get him back for that, how much I wanted to never see him again. It chimed 12 as I ran from the classroom in tears.

I thought about secondary school. I had been too scared to go into school for April fools, I called in sick. I had a fever I said, hot, flushed, sore and stuffy. I lay in my bedroom smiling to myself, for no one would get me here, my mum had locked the door on her way out to work. I was safe. I was wrong. Britney, a pretty girl who I had decided to be my obsession, was texting me. She was so lovely, so kind and seemed to be into me. I wouldn’t dare ask her out, I hadn’t the guts. So she made the first move, she told me she liked me, she told me she thought I was special, she told me that I had a unique place in her heart. The clock struck 12. The fantasy ended, she never texted again, she never looked at me again. But I could hear her shrill laughter ring in my ears when the text buzzed through at the dong of midday. “12 o’clock loser, guess I cannot fool you anymore”

I thought about my first job. I had worked at the pizza shop down the road, I had become a master of the cheese grater and the spinning dough. I thought that going out on April fools wouldn’t be bad if I just had work, I got paid, I made food and got the leftovers for lunch. It couldn’t go wrong. As I spun the dough in the air, I felt the gravity as it slammed down onto my palm, I had a sinking feeling, I needed to leave and go home. But I couldn’t, I still had a 2 hour shift ahead of me, it was only 10 in the morning. Surely no one would order pizza at this time. But at 11.45 I was called to deliver a pizza to 32 Holly head avenue, a medium pineapple and ham with a sprinkling of mature cheddar and mozzarella. I never made it to the door, the car on the drive reversed into my bike, I flew. I felt the gravity as I slammed into the road. It chimed 12.

I thought of the April 1^st last year. That year I knew not to go out, I would stay in all day and tell work I had come down with flu. I wasn’t to be the fool. I waited, sitting on the sofa listening to David Attenborough’s voice sooth my nerves and babble on about how many types of frogs are in the Amazon. I turned over to the news to see whether anyone important had died of a heart attack from being scared to death, but no one had. I saw pictures of funny April Fools pranks slide past my screen like a picture album of pain. Suddenly, I saw my house. I saw my living room. I saw my sofa. I saw me. I screamed in terror as the camera zoomed in on my pitiful sight and capture my pyjamas and fluffy bear slippers on the TV screen for millions to see. The image faded from the television. The news presenter came into view. “and that is it for the 12 o’ clock news”

Now, I sat in the darkness of the early morning light. April Fools day had drawn by again. This year I wouldn’t be the fool, I would be the one laughing. They wouldn’t be amused anymore. I wound my chain of thoughts around my fingers, each link made and broken as I contemplated my decision. Should I really do this?

Yes.

I had waited too long for them to finally suffer for their actions, for them to see never to mess with me. I would be the one laughing now. It was cold in my room as the sun began to lift heavily from behind the roof tops, it sagged with the depression of the morning. Another day had come and gone. It was almost time.

It was now almost 12, it was almost time for the ultimate fools to be exposed. I plodded down my staircase and into the kitchen to the landline which rested upon my worktop like an eager dog. I scooped it up and made a phone call, this would surely make them pay. As I placed the phone down, I knew I had to hurry, I hadn’t much time. I took the chain. I made the final preparations. I executed them. I laughed and the clock chimed 12.

 ***

Times Newspaper Online

At 12.05 pm April 1^st the police broke down the inhabitants of 25 year old Billy Adams. He had called 15 minutes earlier to tell he police that he was going to make fools of everyone who had ever been cruel to him, he would give them the greatest pain of all. Guilt.

The police found Billy hanging above his kitchen table, the chain wrapped around his neck was attached to the ceiling fan, he had a wicked smile stretched across his face, he had died with a last flicker of laughter etched across his crooked mouth.

Billy had been bullied his whole life, made fun of, and beaten. This lead him to commit this act, this lead him to take his own life.

***

Let me ask you one last thing before you finish reading this story. There are those who are made to feel like fools through out their whole life by the monsters around them and there are those monsters who lead these people to leave this earth too soon.

So, here is my question.

Who is the bigger fool?