The Perfect Storm

The best memories are the ones that even after you’ve forgotten the exact events, you still know exactly how they changed you. How they hurt you. Or how you hurt them. The memory is still a burden on your shoulders, regardless of how long ago it happened. 

It doesn’t have to be a burden. Not all the time. It can bring you a small sense of joy whenever your mind drifts to that time, maybe an escape if you need it. Sometimes people do. It’s easy, and it makes day to day life bearable. 

I still remember what it felt like to kiss her in the rain for the last time. I couldn’t tell you what time it was, or the day. Hell, I couldn’t even tell you the month. I just remember the summer heat mixed with the cool rain, and how my lips felt on hers. How we knew, even then, it was the last time. 

It might’ve been only one summer, but that didn’t make it any less real. Alya and I were young, stupid, and unfortunately, hopelessly in love with someone who wasn’t the person we needed. Alya was this beautiful, down to earth, goddess, who was a little too trusting and a little too kind for her own good. I was reckless, angry, and I failed to be mentally present when I needed to be. Seemed to be a perfect storm. 

“Hey,” I said,sitting next to her and propping my feet up on the chair in front of me. 

“Hi,” Alya replied, pushing my feet over and dusting off the chair. I sighed. “You don't know who could be sitting there,” She rationalized.

I rolled my eyes. “Fine, fine. And how are you on this fine morning?” 

“I’m doing okay, a little worried, though.” She answered. 

“You are? About what?”

She looked over at me like it should be obvious. “You, Skye.” I rolled my eyes and laughed. “I’m being serious, I feel like you haven’t been here in ages.” 

“I’m right here! And I saw you yesterday, all pieces of me,” I replied, moving my arms around to further prove my point. 

“That’s not what I mean, and you know that.” 

“I’m fine.” She didn’t reply. “I promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” She said with a frown. She kept pushing, I kept telling her everything was fine and she didn’t have to worry. We went back and forth for far too long. I decided I had enough of her reminding me that my mind was constantly elsewhere, so I pulled her around our town distracting her every way I could. It worked, for the most part. I took her to a random, horrible diner, then to ice cream, then a beach, and practically everywhere in between. By the time the sun was setting, we both couldn’t stop laughing and the adrenaline from the day kept us going. Eventually, we settled on the roof of my car to watch the sunset.

“See, this is what I mean. You’re here right now,” Alya said. “Not just physically. Your mind is here, your heart, and I can see it in your eyes.”

“Are my eyes that telling?” I asked. 

“To me,” She paused and looked at me, “When you aren’t ‘here,’ there’s some distance in them. You seem far away, and detached from what’s happening and what you’re doing.” 

“Oh.” Was all I could say. I looked out at the sunset and tried to form words about what’s really going on when that happens.

“Have I finally made you, Skye, speechless? Today really is a special day.” Alya said after a while, a huge smile on her face.

“Yeah, I think you have.” I replied softly. 

Alya’s smile faltered. “There you go again. Come back.” 

I paused, staring ahead of me for a moment longer. “What would you do if I asked you to kiss me right now?” I asked, glancing back over at her. 

Her eyes wided for a second. “I- I guess I would.” 

“Prove it.” I replied, barely whispering. She put a hand behind my head and pulled me in, hesitating for a moment before closing the gap. Once she did, a part of me knew there was no going back. 

Days passed, and we spent most of them together in our own little bubble. Alya told me that during those few days, I was the most present I’ve ever been. I tried to keep that up, but I couldn’t stop myself from drifting away at times. That was the one week where it didn’t happen, and that was the longest streak I had the whole summer. It ended in her bedroom one night.

“Skye.” 

“Hmm?” 

“You’ve been staring at that wall for-” She checked the time “-Eight minutes. Are you okay?” 

“Well, it’s a terribly interesting wall, can you blame me?” Alya rolled her eyes, but I moved closer to her and pointed to a specific spot. “See there? Isn’t that the most fascinating thing you’ve ever seen?” 

She laughed, but didn’t let it go. “Stop deflecting, I know you just try to distract me whenever I ask if you’re okay.” 

I sighed, and tried to drop my facade. “It’s nothing, really. Just a little stuck in my own head.” I kissed the side of her head and she relaxed into my arms. 

“Okay, well, if you ever want to talk about it-” 

“I’m fine.” I answered. Too quickly. 

“I’m just trying to help you, that’s all,” She explained, “You don’t have to keep whatever’s going on to yourself.” 

“I know. Thank you.” I replied quietly. Why did she have to push? Why did she have to care? “I- I need to go.” I said, standing up suddenly. 

“Skye, are you sure you’re okay? Did I do something?” God, she was being so kind, and I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take her questions, because I didn’t have answers that she would want to hear. I mumbled something about how I just remembered I needed to be somewhere, and I practically ran out of there.

Why did I have to run out? Why did I leave like that? 

Turn around, go back. A voice inside me said. I ignored it and ran outside, hoping the cool night air would help clear my head.

Leave, run, don’t come back. Another voice said. I sped up my pace. You have to get out, you have to cut them all off. This was the voice I tended to listen to more often. 

Go to her, you love her. 

Stop pretending you’re happy. 

Don’t lie to yourself. 

Stop making promises you can’t keep. 

Keep it together, bury it if you have to. 

What are you doing? 

Why do you keep hurting everyone around you? 

Why can’t you do it right? 

“Stop it, stop it, stop!” I yelled to no one. “Shut up, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want-” I looked down at my hands, which were shaking. I was still running. I dropped to my knees and looked around me. No one was on the roads, as it was close to two in the morning. Thank god. 

I shut my eyes and put my head in my hands until I could keep my thoughts straight enough to stand back up and walk home. I couldn't tell you how long that took if I wanted to, but I’m sure if I knew I wouldn’t tell you anyway. 

As much as I hated to admit it at the time, these episodes were becoming worse and more frequent. When I started dating, or kind of dating, Alya, they stopped for a bit, but it was stupid of me to get used to that. It was becoming harder for me to separate them from what was actually going on, and that’s what caused me to do that thing that made Alya ask where I went. Though I wanted to explain it all to her, I didn’t know how to. 

“Are you ever going to tell me what’s going on in your head?” Alya asked me out of nowhere. This was about a month after that night at her house, which she forgave me for. Though she shouldn’t have. 

“I… I don’t know.” I replied.

“So no.” 

“Well…” 

“Skye,” She began, moving so she was directly in front of me, “I care about you. But I can’t keep doing this if you won’t be honest with me. I’ve been trying to be patient, but I’m honestly worried and I feel like at this point you owe me something.” She had to stop being right about everything. 

I hesitated and tried to decide whether or not I should tell her. “I know, I just can’t… get it all together, you know?” I said, making the wrong choice. 

She paused, and I didn’t say anything else. “That’s it? That’s all you’re going to say?” 

“I mean, why do you care about this so much?”

“Because I care about you!” She yelled. That’s when I realized I made a mistake. Finally, right? Alya never yelled, never got angry. So I obviously screwed up. “And you don’t! It seems like I’m the only one who tries to keep you here, and you don’t seem to understand that it’s because I want to. Because I want you.” 

I should’ve listened to her there. We should’ve had an honest conversation. But instead, I just leaned forward and kissed her. Her mistake was kissing me back. We didn’t talk about it again. 

I guess that’s when the two of us realized we weren’t good for each other. I couldn’t deal with my own problems, and she tried to fix me. Selfish of me, noble of her. 

So we kept going like that. Avoiding the painful topics and just having fun. It didn’t work out, as anyone would be able to figure out. After some time, that doesn’t really work anymore. There was one night when we realized it had to end, though neither of us admitted it. 

“What’s wrong, babe?” I asked, my fingers brushing through her hair. 

She shifted in my arms. “Where is this going?” Ah. Should’ve known that would be the question.  I bit my lip, and she broke eye contact with me. 

“Where do you want it to go?” I replied, dodging the question. 

“I like you, a lot, and I care about you more than I can put into words,” She said slowly. “But… I don’t feel like our relationship has changed at all since we started dating.” 

“What do you mean?” 

Alya sighed. “Well, we haven’t gotten more serious with each other, and it’s been two months. That’s fine if you want to take it slow, but we’ve been friends for so long that it feels… I don’t know, like we’re just friends with benefits.” 

“Is that how you see us?” I asked.

“A little,” She admitted. I couldn’t really disagree with her, but I knew I didn’t want anything to change. I also knew that she did. “You never actually answered, so what do you think?”

“You’ve caught onto me.” I said, letting out a quiet laugh. She waited for me to continue. “I think… I need to have a clearer head for this conversation.” 

“Want to go outside? It’s raining, but I know that the rain-”

“Helps, yes, please.” I said, standing up. She took my hand in hers and led me outside. I took a deep breath and tilted my head back so I could feel the rain on my face for a second. 

“So… what do you think?” She asked finally. 

“I don’t want anything to change. I don’t think I could handle that.” I took a deep breath and shut my eyes, knowing this would be a hard thing to admit. “But I know you can’t keep doing this. And… it’s unfair of me to make you.” 

“What are you saying?” 

“I’m saying this is going nowhere.” I forced out. I opened my eyes and looked back at her. “And we can’t keep pretending it’s not.” 

I was met with silence. “What if we do.” She said it like a statement.” 

“What?” 

“I’m not ready to let go of you. I know I said we were going too slow but… I’m willing to keep everything the way it is because I don’t want to lose you.” She said quickly. 

“Alya, I don’t want to lose you either, but I can’t make you do that. You said so yourself, you aren’t happy with this.” I replied, surprised she was saying this. 

“Please. Just stay. We can figure it out, it’ll be okay and we can-”

I looped my arm around her waist and pulled her closer to me. Our foreheads were touching, and I could see the raindrops slide down her face. They could’ve been tears, I’m sure I had my own too. With my other hand, I tipped her chin up so our lips touched. That kiss could have been ten seconds or a hundred, but it was over too soon anyway. 

“You know we won’t work.” I whispered after we pulled apart slightly. I was still close enough to feel her breath on my face. 

“I know,” She looked down and took her hands off me. “Can’t we just pretend that we will?” 

“Don’t do that,” I pleaded. “Please don’t do that. Because I know that if you asked me to, I would in a heartbeat.”

She looked back up and smiled, and I knew for sure the drops rolling down her cheeks were tears. “I really do love you.” 

“I love you too”

“Goodbye, Skye.”

“Goodbye, Alya.”

That was how it ended. It started as something that would never work, but we wanted it to work so badly that we pretended it would. We just weren’t right for each other, and that’s okay. It didn’t have to be perfect, but that’s part of the reason it needed to end. We were both flawed, maybe I was more deeply than her, so that needed work too. Maybe in another life we could make it. Because sometimes, you meet someone at the wrong time. But your worlds collide, and while you may forget the details, you’ll never forget how they changed you.