Hidden Love

Day One

Can you keep a secret?

I have a small crush. Well, not small. It’s rather big. No one else knows about it, though. It’s my little secret. If you’re reading this, I guess it’s our secret now. That’s exciting. I’ve never really shared a secret with anyone.

Anyway, I’ve decided to start a journal. I want to keep track of this crush and see where it goes. Maybe I can look back at this journal with her, and we can laugh at how awkward I was and see how our relationship has progressed over time. If not, I can just burn this and forget it ever happened. I really hope it’s the first one.

I don’t know how to write in journals. I know a lot of people would consider this a diary, but it is NOT. A diary is for girls, and I am not a girl. I am a man. I suppose I should introduce myself. Is that what people do in journals? I suppose if they find this journal years from now as my dying legacy in an Anne Frank type thing, they’d want to know who the hell wrote this and why the hell that person mattered.

My name is Marvin Janson. I am freshly out of high school. I don’t know where life will be taking me, but that’s okay. My parents are divorced, so I have never really seen a stable relationship in my life, but I think I could find one for myself with her. She’s a year or two younger than I am. I’m not sure. All I know is she’s drop-dead gorgeous, and I want to know more about her. I want to know everything about her. I know that was meant to be an introduction for me, but all I can think about is her. I don’t really know what else to say.

Until next time,

MJ

Day Two

I’ve been trying so hard to muster up the courage to talk to her. I thought maybe writing my thoughts yesterday would have helped me, but they didn’t. It just made me more anxious. The more I look at the words I write, the more I feel like a complete loser. Will she even care about me if she got to know me? My mom always says I’m a catch, but I feel like I’m the baseball that just got caught right after the batter hit it. You’re out.

I’m sorry for throwing a pity party. I know things aren’t completely bad since I saw her today. It was a bit of a high stakes mission. I watched her from afar, and I wanted so badly to get out of my hiding spot and introduce myself. She gets more and more attractive every time I see her. My heart was beating so fast, but I was stuck in place. Maybe next time.

I’m pretty bummed that I didn’t talk to her today, but there’s always tomorrow. I’m going to end this entry now since I just want to cry.

Until then,

MJ

Day Five

I know this is a few days later so I’m trying to mark them accordingly. It’s been three days since my last entry and there have been some great improvements. To start, I know her name.

Kathleen. What a name. I overheard someone call her by her name, and I’m entranced. I looked it up. It means ‘pure’. How beautiful. I want to write Kathleen Janson over and over again in this journal, but I’m trying to restrain myself. I’m not a preteen girl. I’m a man. It does have a nice ring to it. Ring. I wonder what kind of ring she would want when I propose. I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. Trying to be hopeful. She has the daintiest hands, and I wonder how they’d feel if they were intertwined with mine. We can only hope and wait to find out. My heart is happy, and I’m very excited to see how things progress.

Kathleen.

Wow.

MJ

Day Twelve

She dyed her hair today. Or bleached it, I guess. She used to have lovely brown hair, and I loved it. Now it’s blonde. I don’t know how I feel about it. I wish she didn’t do that. Oh, my Kathleen. Why would you do that? I wish I had talked to her before and just told her how beautiful her natural hair color was. I could have stopped this.

Although I don’t agree with the new hair color, she seems to like it. Her smile could light up a room. I see her talk to her friends and family, and she smiles a lot while touching it. At least she’s happy. I only want the best for her. I want to be the best for her.

Kathleen, you’re perfect.

MJ

Day Twenty-One

Life is awful.

MJ

Day Twenty-Three

I tried so hard to write yesterday and the day before, but I can’t. It hurts so much. I’ve just been crying as quietly as I can. I don’t want to disturb anyone in the house, but it hurts.

She has a boyfriend.

Kathleen, why? I feel like my heart has been ripped in two. It was such a shock to find out. Seeing them together made me feel every emotion in the book. I want to be that man for her. She seemed so happy with him, and it pissed me off. Why couldn’t she wait for me? I could be that man for her. I could be her everything. I wanted to scream, “I’m right here! You don’t need him!” but I didn’t, and I hate myself for it. Why am I like this?

Everything sucks,

MJ

Day Thirty-Five

Okay, I know it’s been a while. I’m sorry I haven’t written a lot. I’ve just been cooped up trying to formulate a plan. How to eliminate the boyfriend?

Jeez, eliminate. That sounds dark. Oh, well.

Back to plans. I have a few plans ruminating in my brain, but most, if not all, of them, come with some risks. I could get caught, and then Kathleen would never want to speak to me. I can’t have that. But I also can’t have Kathleen be with that scum.

Big plans ahead,

MJ

Day Thirty-Seven

Mission completion. I did it and with no hiccups! The boyfriend is gone. I know Kathleen is a bit confused as to why he’s gone, but I also know that she’s much better off. It took a lot of finagling, but the plan went perfectly. Not to toot my own horn, but I’m amazing. It’s been a busy day or two, so I’m going to doze off soon. I need to shower first, but I don’t know if I can. I’ll have to wait a few minutes to make sure that the bathroom is accessible. 

To future endeavors,

MJ

Day Thirty-Nine

I’m going to talk to her soon. My heart is beating so hard, but I know it’ll be okay. I know we are meant to be. We can get through anything if I would just talk to her. That’s the first step to an amazing future together. I will update you on how it goes.

Hopeful,

MJ

Day Thirty-Nine (again)

Not good. It went very poorly. She did not seem receptive to me or anything I tried to say. I don’t even know if I said anything. She just stared at me and I got lost in her eyes. After a few seconds of awkwardness, I slunk back into the shadows. I guess this is where I belong.

Defeated,

MJ

Day Forty

She’s talking about me to other people. That’s a step, right? I know our first real interaction wasn’t great, but she’s talking about me to other people. Maybe she did like me and I’m just so damn breathtaking that she didn’t know what to say. I’m just going to hold out and try again in a few days.

To be continued, 

MJ

Day Forty-Two

I tried to talk to her again today. It was even worse. She freaked out and panicked, which caused me to panic. She tried to call someone but I didn’t let that happen. I’m freaking out now though. I managed to get away, but I’m left with a very worrying predicament.

I broke her phone in the struggle to stop her from calling the cops, but now she’s in her parent’s room. I don’t know what to do. I need to get away before the cops arrive, but what if they find my hiding spot in the walls? I needed to move soon anyway since the boyfriend’s body was starting to really smell. So my choices are I can either get away and risk them finding my spot or burn the place down with any trace of me. 

I always did think I was the perfect match. Sorry, that was a cheap pun. At this rate, I have nothing else to lose except Kathleen. She’ll be my high school flame. Okay, that’s enough.

I have to find a way to start the fire now before anything gets worse. Wish me luck.

MJ