Moon and my shadows

Moon was full and big tonight. She looked so close and bright. As I peered out of my bedroom window, I could feel her emotional intensity. It was so intense that it jolted me out of my dream in the middle of the night. It was like my soul could feel her watching; judging; envying. Moon and I had a special relationship. We stayed up late chatting about my daily adventures, but she listened to me cry myself to sleep most of the time. She liked it this way. She liked having me to all herself. She didn’t like sharing me with Sun because when I spent too much time with him, I didn’t need as many chats with her. The nights I slept peacefully, she would watch me sleep through my opened window. Sometimes she would try and shine her light on my face to wake me up but it didn’t work. Tonight, she was upset.

“You’re spending a lot of time with him lately Mila! You know it’s hard on me when I don’t spend time with you,” Moon expressed.

“I know Moon but as much as I love our time together, I am human and need to sleep during the night. I can’t keep getting up in the middle of the night to hang out with you at the window. I’m sorry.”, I said, bowing my head down, wishing her goodnight and retreating to my bed. 

It was hard on me too. Most of the time I spent with Moon was filled with sorrow and heartbreak. I am tired of being sad. Does Moon WANT  me to be sad? I thought. Shouldn’t she be happy for me and the happiness I am finding during the day? I couldn’t understand why she was making me feel guilty for being happy. 

When I officially met Moon, I wanted to die. I guess I could say that she saved me. One night, I sat at my window, crying, praying to Moon to help me through this heartbreak. I prayed to Moon to hear my cries. She did. I heard her soothing voice while I cried and struggled to catch my breath. I had my mother’s pills laid out in front of me with a glass of water. I was ready to go. But then I heard her voice. Calm, like a melody. Like the sounds of the ocean waves. So soft and calm yet it pierced through my drowning tears and choked-up cries. Every night after this one, she visited me. She hung high in the black sky yet sat with me. She held me in her arms, played in my hair, and listened to me weep. A shushing sound would escape her lips as I wiped my tears on her glowing skin. Once in a while, she offered wise words that made me think but it usually just created stronger tears. She gave my shadows a safe space. She shone her light on them, unafraid of my demons. She gave them kindness and compassion. She looked them straight in their piercing red eyes and said, “I see you. I do not judge you as you are here for a reason. Let’s talk.” One of her best quotes was, Time heals all wounds. She was right. The more I cried out my pain and chatted with her in the middle of the night, the more I woke up rested and rejuvenated the next day. Sun was pleased. 

“Good morning Mila!” Sun said one morning. I had woken up early. I hadn’t done that in a long time! I slowly opened my eyes, yawned, sprung out my arms and legs to stretch and peeked through my window, smiling. 

“Good morning Sun! You are looking bright and joyful this morning!” I replied. 

It was a different kind of morning. I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t want to turn my back to Sun and cover my face with my blanket. I didn’t curse Sun for being alive. I didn’t blame Sun for my anger. I was happy. I wanted more of this happiness. Then I thought of Moon and I felt sad again. If I wanted to protect my happiness, I couldn’t spend time with Moon anymore. She always brought out my negative emotions and I couldn’t do that anymore. I wanted to be better. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I was grateful for Moon and everything she did for me but, I didn’t need her anymore. I wasn’t picking Sun over her like she made me feel like I was, I was choosing myself. Sometimes when you choose yourself, you have to let go of people, I told myself. I thought I had it all figured out. For the next few weeks, I avoided Moon. I went to sleep before she awoke and woke up when she went to sleep. At first, I could hear her crying but I ignored it. No more crying for me. Only happiness. Positive vibes only my friends would say. It worked! I was happy! 

Until I wasn’t. I was so focused on being happy and positive that when situations triggered my shadows, I suppressed it all. I pushed it down deep, all the way into my toes as to not feel the sadness. When I reached out to Sun to regain my positive vibes, he was too busy partying and surfing the waves of the day to listen. He would just laugh and say, “Be happy! Positive vibes only! Enjoy my rays and relax!” I loved Sun and how happy he made me. So much so that I would spend hours and most of my days with him. But lately, I wasn’t feeling great. My happiness felt fake. It felt like a mask I had to uphold. I couldn’t be sad. My shadows had been faced and filled with Sun. I couldn’t be sad again! 

I needed Moon. I needed a heartfelt chat. I needed to make sense of my emotions. She was the only one who could help me. She would be so upset with me. She must hate me now. As the sky turned black and the stars sparkled, I waited for Moon. I waited and waited. Then I cried. I apologized for ignoring her. I cried big tears expressing my love to her. I expressed my need for her. I missed her healing energy. I missed the space she gave me to release the negativity of the day. To release all that heat with which Sun filled me. To release the stress and suppressed shadows of the day. Sun was great at keeping up the tempo and making you dance all day long but Moon helped me slow down, face my heavy emotions, and re-assess my daily decisions. Moon helped me release my fears, my self-doubts, and heal my triggers that my past wounds re-surfaced. 

“Oh Moon, please forgive me! I need you!” I prayed. I covered my face with my hands and let go. My tears fell freely into my hands and then my lap. I didn’t care. 

“Mila? Honey? What is wrong?” Moon asked.

I glanced out my window and came face to face with Moon. She was so beautiful. So gentle and compassionate. She looked genuinely worried about me.

“Moon?! You’re here! But... aren’t you mad at me for leaving you?”

She lets a smile and says, “Of course not Mila. All I ever wanted was your happiness. If that is with Sun, then I am glad.”

“I AM happy with Sun. But he doesn’t listen to my shadows as you do. I don’t happiness is meant to be alive forever Moon. I’ve been struggling to keep my corners lit with his light. I can’t banish my shadows.”

“You are not meant to sweetie. There will always be corners therefore shadows will always exist. Shadows are not bad. They are messengers. They teach you what you need to heal. They show you what you need to face to maintain that happiness you speak of. That is why I am here but Mila, do me favour?”

“Sure Moon, what is it?” I asked.

“Don’t be afraid of me. I may amplify your emotions and trigger your tears but I also heal and release. Our time together doesn’t have to be negative. It can be empowering. It can be cleansing. Especially when I am full and round, this is when my powers are at their greatest. You don’t have to see me every night, but please visit me when you need to. Don’t suppress your shadows. I will always be here to shine my light and help your shadows find peace. Even when you don’t need me, I shine through your window and fill you with my healing light. I am not here to make you sad Mila. I am here to help you find peace.”

Moon was right. I nodded as she asked her favour of me relieved that she wasn’t angry with me. I was most relieved that I didn’t have to end my relationship with her. I just had to change my mindset and how I viewed her role in my life. She always had a positive impact on me and was always one of the reasons for my happiness. I just didn’t see it because I was in a negative state whenever we spoke. I promised her that from now on, I wouldn’t only visit her when I was dying. I would visit her when I was happy to make sure that my shadows were being heard consistently before they became a threat to my survival. 

“Thank you Moon for always being there when I need you most. Thank you for helping me grow emotionally and find happiness WITH my shadows.”