Fool's Mate

March 27, 2020 

In most parts of the world, 2020 started off normally.

 The clock struck twelve and we embraced the new decade with open arms.  

This was the year of change, hope, and equality. 

We didn’t know what was coming. 

At work, and in the news, we heard rumors about a new virus in Asia. 

People made jokes online about how we needed a new virus to deal with overpopulation. 

We thought it was funny. 

We thought it was something that could only happen in movies, books, or games. 

Until our lives became a soap opera, a horror film, and a drama at the same time. 

Time slowly ticked away. 

We forgot how to act in public. 

Motivation slowly fades, as does the will to continue on. 

For most people. 

I’m completely fine with staying indoors. It gives me time to plan my next masterpiece. 

Last year my prank was amazing, but this year, it’ll be perfect. It’s been two weeks since we locked down, and I have to say I’m loving the solitude. It’s been ages since I could actually hear myself think. I’m usually at work, where people don’t know the concept of silence. 

April first is the only day I can get them back without getting in trouble. It’s the day I innocently torment them in retrospect about all the things they’ve unwittingly done to me. 

I will make them pay. 

March 31, 2020

We were supposed to return to work today. Apparently Coronavirus has been spreading, meaning we’re stuck at home. How was I supposed to pull off my prank now?

April 1, 2020

I sit on the couch, mourning my missed opportunity. Now I wish I didn’t live alone. At least then I’d have someone to prank. I’ll grieve for the rest of the day. 

April 2, 2020

Next year will be better. Next year April fools will go exactly as planned. In fact, I’m going to start planning now. 

I take my previous idea and modify it. Instead of dish soap spread across the floor, I’ll make a combination of oil and butter. I’ll also probably upgrade the toilet poppers. Perhaps I’ll even buy some illegal fireworks. 

My main attraction, however, had to be original. 

April 8, 2020 

The plan is coming along, the puzzle almost complete. 

All I need now are some resources….

December 21, 2020

The contraption is coming along perfectly. It’s a small speaker, which doubles up as a microphone. It's around the size of an ant, and it’s a tan color. All it needed were some final adjustments, and everything would be set. 

April 1, 2021

The day had come. 

The office was open, so I went in early. Just to set everything up. 

You were sleeping in your chair at your desk. I stuck the device in your ear, it truly was my best invention yet. I had already set up cameras around the office, I’d be able to capture everything. I went into the security office and waited for you to awaken. 

The clock struck 8:00, and the office started filling up. 

You opened your eyes, blinking at the light. 

I spoke. 

  Hello.

You looked around, startled. 

You can’t see me.

You shook your head and stood up. 

Ignoring me won’t make me disappear. 

No reaction.

You have to speak, idiot. 

“Shut up,” you whispered, sure the voice was a figment of your own imagination. 

How very rude. 

You squeezed your eyes shut. 

“Leave me alone,” you said, drawing attention from your co-workers. You rushed into the bathroom. 

Oh Johnny, don’t you recognize me? 

“God?” You asked. 

I decided to let you make your own mind up about that. 

“Oh my god! God!” You stuttered out. 

Remember what you did? 

“What did I do?” 

Dan Stevens killed himself today.

“Who?” 

What an idiot. 

Weird Dan. 

“Ohhh, that guy.” You responded, clicking your tongue. “What ‘bout him?” 

What was up with this person? 

D-E-A-D

You looked confused. 

FOR F**K’S SAKE, WEIRD DAN IS DEAD 

“Damn. Why’d you take him?” 

Maybe this god thing isn’t working out as well as I thought. I was getting frustrated. 

It’s your fault. You must do as I say if you want to avoid eternal incarnation. 

“How is it my fault?”

It would be too hard to explain it to you, all those years of silent torment and suffering. The saying is true, high school never ends.

It just is. 

“That don’t make sense.” 

I felt the need to correct your grammar. 

It’s ‘that doesn’t make sense.’ What was I going to say next? You dare question me? 

“Sorry man, but how do I know you’re really god?” 

So this guy wasn’t a total doofus after all. 

Would you rather take the chance of me not being god? 

You didn’t reply. 

Good, I need you to do a few things for me. 

“Like what?”

Quit your job. 

“What!? Why!?” You exclaimed. 

Someone walked out of one of the stalls. 

“Hey dude,” He said, “You okay?” 

You nodded your head. 

The man sped out, muttering. 

“I like my job.” You said, looking up at the ceiling. 

Will you like Hell?

You grumbled. “Fine.” You paused. “Can you close your eyes? I need to piss.” 

I literally smacked my head. 

Sure. 

I turned my chair around, I didn’t really want to see your man-parts. 

“Done,” you said, zipping up your pants. 

Do it.

You rolled your eyes. Seriously? You stepped out of the bathroom and strode towards Lily Jones, our boss. 

“Uh, hey Lily.” 

Ms. Jones sighed.

“I’m just here to say that, erm, I can’t do this job anymore.” 

Ms. Jones looked at you. 

“Why?” She asked. 

“Er, God told me to quit,” You said. 

Ms. Jones lifted her eyebrow and muttered. 

I banged my head against the desk. 

What the hell was that?

You looked up. “What do you mean?”

“John, please leave,” Ms. Jones remarked.

“Rightio lady!” You were so proud. For a split second, I pity you.

Good, now go outside. 

“Sure beans boss.” 

I hate this human.

Crap, you were walking fast. I didn’t have cameras outside, I would have to follow you. I grabbed my headphones and hoodie and walked out of the security office. You exited the office, and I made sure to keep at least 20 feet between us. 

The restaurant I want you to enter is on the other side of the road.

“Great,” you said. 

With that, you ran through the intersection without looking. A black Range Rover couldn’t stop in time. 

Bang! You flew through the air, and landed on the ground with a soft ‘thump’. 

Holy sh*t. Holy fu*king sh*t. What the fu*k. My mouth was agape. Three people sped over to you, checking to see if you were okay. The driver of the car was sobbing. I made my way over there. 

I checked your pulse, even though there was no use. With a quick movement of my hand I removed the device from your ear, and shook my head, informing the spectators you were gone. 

I wasn’t that upset, to be honest. I hope this doesn’t mean I’m a sociopath. 

“Call 911!” I say, trying to sound panicked. 

Two people pull out their phones and dial. 

I check my watch and pretend I have to leave. I rush away from the crime scene.

This year, April Fool’s was a success. 

Maybe I can do better next year….