Holiday suicide

As I sit with this gun in my mouth, many things go through my mind other then the bullet itself. Childhood memories , past relationships, and total hatred for this world. Everyone has a line and one can only hope that it's never crossed to this point. You realise that all these people you called friends and family just acted like you exist because they were in the process of trying to get something that you have and that something is money. You realise that you live in a world that is run by it and other things that have no meaning once your life is over. The things that you care for the most in life are the things that you can never have. You realise that even though you have a daughter who loves you and not what you can give her still has a better life then she would if she did live with you. After that thought and the many other thoughts before it , that feeling that stops you from pulling the trigger in the past many other times finally vanishes as does the rest of your thoughts. All you hear is a loud boom followed by a blinding white light that eventually turns into a cold darkness as the rest of your existence fades away. But right before you pull the trigger one words manages to escape your breath. MERRY CHRISTMAS. The note on your chest matches the word perfectly. As the cold and darkness surround your body you begin to see flames rise and fall in the endless black void below you. The fire gets hotter as you fall forever with no end in site. During your descent you start to hear voices echo all around you. Some are filled with laughter and some are filled with the screams of torment from both male and female but nobody else can be seen. Throughout your life you have heard many people tell you that the greatest sin one can achieve is suicide itself which is also the reason that one hopes never to cross the line that makes you pull that trigger. Your descent comes to a sudden halt as you land on what looks like a chain rack with hooks coming out of it and you hear the snap as your spine connects to the metal itself. While you dangle there like a fish on a hook you watch as the fire below you rises up to meet you and the moment it reaches you, all you can feel is a pain in which no word can describe how much it really hurts. You lose all concept of time, life, and everything you have ever loved as you watch the demons take turns skinning the flesh from your bones. When you see no more flesh to take you notice a demon who snaps his fingers and the flesh is restored to your body but the pain never goes away. You cry out for mercy from God but nobody else except the demons are there to hear your cries. Once you realise that nobody is coming to take you off the rack there is one thing that enters your mind as you are slowly cooked over an eternal flame. You see your only child who you created in a world full of hate left all alone as she cries for you wondering why. You are left with that one picture on your mind for the eternity that is promised to you by a god who gave his own son as a sacrafice according to a book that you decided never to read much because you didn't believe it. It makes you wonder how a god that could love you so much would put you in a world where all you see is pain, sorrow, and torment.

A word about the author :

I have contemplated suicide many times in the past and I have actually gone beyond the mortal rift so to speak of what most people would call life. That moment where you gasp for your final breath and no matter how hard you try , you can't take it. The moments that followed were a different story all together. I felt warm and at peace with everything. It felt like I was floating in space as I saw multiple lights all around me. I have also overdosed on heroin in the past which was a totally different experience . during those moments I felt cold, alone, and lost in the dark while I searched for some form of light. Eventually I just snapped wide awake as my heart raced until I came to a point where I calmed down. The notion of death scares everyone to some degree. Even today I question whether there really is a heaven or a hell but one thing I know for certain. Death is guaranteed and it will eventually come to us all but I belie've it is us ourselves who control how it turns out in the end. How can one really know anything in a world that has so many different beliefs as far as God or gods go. I am not proud of some of the things I have done in this life but you can guarantee that I am proud of the little girl I created while I lived. My only fear in life is losing her because it is the one thing that I know will push me to cross that line. Many people usually give up on life because they come to a point where living itself hurts them more then not knowing what to expect in the end. In closing I would have to say that knowing what life might bring in the future is far more scarier then not knowing what comes in the end. The way people comprehend there life is no different then an author who writes a story. If there really is such a thing called the book of life after death, wouldn't you agree that even God himself was scared of what his future would bring as far as creation. And knowing the amount of love I have for my daughter, it scares me to no end when I think of the future that might be in store for her. People say we're living in the end times because of everything going on and the thought of some nuke or asteroid blasting into this planet scares me knowing that my little one will have to witness the same thing . I would rather end my days with her at my side then some random phenomenon .