Goodbye and Hello

It was always hard when he left, but this time Elaine felt more uneasy than usual. She couldn’t explain it, but she tried to ignore it as they said their goodbyes.

They didn’t go to the airport anymore. Unlike her easy-going older sister, Leah had no problem throwing an awful tantrum in public when her daddy had to leave. It was easier this way.

Benjamin seemed to sense her anxiety. He took her hand and smiled at her, that same crooked smile she had fallen in love with. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

She smiled at him and tried to take his words to heart. “I know.”

Their moment was ruined when their toddler clung onto his leg. “Daddy, no go!”

He bent down and picked her up. “You know I have to, Whirlwind. But I’ll be back soon.”

“Promise?” Ayla piped up from Elaine’s side, looking at him with sad blue eyes.

He kneeled down in front of her, but hesitated to speak. He didn’t like to make promises he may not actually be able to keep, but this one time...it couldn’t hurt. It wasn’t supposed to be a dangerous thing. He hugged her with his free arm. “I promise.” He kissed her forehead and stood, doing the same to Leah before giving her back to Elaine. “You two be good, okay?”

After receiving soft grumbled affirmations, he turned his attention back on her. “Will you be alright?”

“We’ll be fine.” And there it was again, that feeling. She hugged his waist with her free arm. “Be safe.”

“I always am.” He gave her a kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. Goodbye, Ben.”

It took another few minutes for him to actually leave. As he loaded his stuff into a taxi waiting outside, he waved back at them before he climbed in.

That feeling grew stronger, but she tried not to dwell on it. ‘Everything’s going to be okay.’

*

Two weeks later, Elaine was more than ready for him to be home. She was exhausted in every sense of the word, and her temper was short and she was more emotional than usual.

Whether it was the stress of having him gone or her hormones as she reached that time of month, it didn’t matter. She was tired of being alone.

When she heard the doorbell ring, she sighed wearily as she set the plate into the dishwasher. Visitors were the last thing she wanted right now. She dried her hands on a towel and stepped around the toys as she made her way down the hall. She paused by the girls’ room. “Ayla, Leah, I asked you to clean up those toys an hour ago. Do it, please. Now.”

“Sorry,” Ayla said meekly and led Leah past her to the toys. Elaine shook her head and proceeded on her way.

When she opened the door to see two uniformed men looking at her sadly, her stomach dropped. She knew immediately it was not good news. Her throat and chest tightened and she balled her hands into fists as they spoke. She was so focused on trying not to cry that she only caught part of what they were saying. But she did get the message as certain words pushed through.

“...missing...no sign...unlikely to survive...”

The word ‘missing’ bounced around in her head. They may as well have said ‘dead’ with all the pessimism they displayed in being able to find him.

“Ma’am? Are you alright?”

She took a deep, steadying breath. “Y-yes. I’m fine.”

“Is there anything we can do to help?”

“No, we just...need time.”

“I understand. We’ll be in touch if we receive any more information. I’m sorry to bring you such bad news.”

Elaine couldn’t bear to speak, so she nodded. They tipped their hats and said their goodbyes. After they left, she shut the door and leaned her forehead against it. Tears started to run down her cheeks as her heart proceeded to break.

Then she heard a soft voice behind her. “Mama, what’s wrong?”

She took a deep breath and discreetly tried to wipe away her tears before she turned to face them. Two pairs of blue and gray eyes looked at her worriedly.

*

It was so difficult, trying to be strong and support her girls. She was still uncertain about what to tell them. It was a fine line between two lies and giving them too much hope or no hope at all. She couldn’t bring herself to tell them he was dead, because she didn’t want to face that possibility. And it would still technically be a lie.

But every time Leah asked for her daddy with longing eyes, that also broke her heart. She couldn’t tell her he was coming home. She wished he would show up, play it off as a surprise. She would be furious with him, but it would be better than this.

It only got worse for all three of them when Ayla overheard Elaine’s father trying to convince her to start planning for a funeral. She herself was furious and in tears as she argued with him; she wasn’t ready for that yet. Then she heard a soft gasp and turned to see Ayla staring at them in shock and horror. She was old enough to put two and two together. Then she burst into tears and ran.

“No, Ayla, wait!” She followed her to their room, hoping not only to calm her down, but hopefully prevent her from telling Leah.

But she was too late.

When she got to their room, Leah was already trying to figure out what was wrong. “Ay’a, why sad?”

“Leave m-me alone!”

She huffed and tugged on her sleeve. “Ay’aaa!”

Elaine tried to cut in. “Leah, come here.”

Ayla lashed out first. “Stop it! Daddy’s dead, so leave me alone!”

But Leah was too young to understand. She looked back in confusion. “Dead?”

She wiped at her eyes and huffed impatiently. “He’s n-not coming back.”

She seemed to understand that. She looked at Elaine as she walked over. “Mama?”

Elaine picked her up and held her on her lap as she sat beside Ayla. She immediately crawled to her and ducked under her arm. “Is he really dead?”

She couldn’t hide it from them forever. She closed her eyes as they started to sting and took a deep breath. “I...I don’t know. They don’t know where he is. He disappeared. But after this long, it’s...unlikely that he’ll make it back.” It felt like a confession. She bit the inside of her cheek; she couldn’t fall apart in front of them.

But it was so hard when her babies were so upset (Leah was still too young to understand, but if her big sister was crying like this, it must be bad). She couldn’t bear to force them away, so they stayed beside her that night in a bed that was too big and cold. The next morning, she was sick and was so tired she felt like she hadn’t slept in months.

She thought it was just the emotional and mental toll of everything catching up to her, but over the next few days it got worse. Then something else happened that changed everything.

She missed her period, which was odd because she was regular. The only times she missed was when she was… ‘No. That’s not possible.’

But then she thought of that night, the night before Benjamin left, the one time they weren’t careful. She then realized that, between the other symptoms and the timing, it was indeed possible. The thought made her stomach fill with dread and her heart race.

The past times Elaine had used pregnancy tests, she had been nervous. But this time, she was terrified. As she waited for the results, she paced back and forth, wringing her hands, praying that she was wrong.

But when she saw the results, she fell to her knees and cried. She couldn’t do this on her own, especially not with two young girls that still needed her. ‘Ben, why did you have to go? I need you, we need you.’

She curled up on her side as she wept, thankful that her girls were with her parents. Speaking of her parents, she pulled out her phone and called her mother. She took deep breaths in an attempt to stop the sobbing. After a few rings, she picked up. “Hey, sweetie, how are you? Are you feeling any better?”

All that work to stop crying, for nothing. “Mom, I-I’m pregnant.” She hugged her knees to her chest and rested her head back against the wall.

There was a moment of silence. “Oh, Elaine,” she murmured softly, her voice trembling. “I’m so sorry.”

Elaine gasped as she struggled to breathe. “W-what am I going to do? I can’t...I can’t do this without him.”

whole

“I know, love,” she said. She could tell she was crying now, too. “I know you’re scared, but we’ll be right with you the whole time, and I know his parents will, too.”

How on earth was she supposed to tell her in-laws that she had managed to get pregnant before he left? What if they were upset? Or worse, what if they were excited?

She was pulled from her thoughts when she spoke. “Would you like us to keep the girls overnight?”

She sighed in relief. “Would you mind?”

“Not at all. Don’t worry about bringing anything for them, either. We have extra stuff for them.”

“Thank you, Mom. Really.”

“You’re welcome. Try to relax, honey. You’re going to need it. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

After she hung up, she was overcome with a wave of anger. She threw her phone at the door and hit her head on her knee with a frustrated growl. ‘Why, God? Haven’t we gone through enough?’

A few months later, Elaine got an ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. It would be a little boy. The nurse thought she was crying tears of joy as she hid her face in her mother’s shoulder. Maybe deep down part of her did want a son, but for the most part, it reopened old wounds.

Her and Benjamin had talked of trying for another baby (perhaps a factor in how she ended up in this situation), and she knew he had wanted a son. He loved Ayla and Leah more than life itself, and would’ve loved the baby every bit as much if it had been a girl. He never said it explicitly, but she knew.

And now, he wouldn’t be here to see him come into the world, but they would just miss each other.

*

The months until the delivery both dragged on and sped by. Every single special moment of the pregnancy was filled with sadness and emptiness. Her dreams became memories of the past pregnancies, finding out the gender, feeling the baby kick, coming up with names...the good stuff. But the ones that really left her breathless were the ones of what could have been. She could see him goofing off with a little boy, teaching him how to swing a bat or having him hold the flashlight while he fixed the car. The boy’s face was always fuzzy when she woke up, but never Benjamin’s.

Even beyond the pregnancy, it was obvious time was passing by, whether she wanted it to or not. Their girls were growing so fast. Ayla started first grade in the fall and Leah’s hair was long enough she could finally pull it back out of her eyes. The two seemed to be adapting alright, but she knew they were hurting. Ayla stole his old t-shirts to wear to bed and she suddenly decided she liked all the same music he used to, even though she didn’t care for it much before. Leah had claimed one of his old baseball caps as her own and wore it nearly everywhere. It didn’t matter if it covered her eyes.

Any worries she had that they would forget him were alleviated.

December came quickly, and it was a struggle. Not only was the baby due in a few weeks, Ayla would have her sixth birthday. It would also be their first Christmas without him. She wasn’t sure how she was going to pull it all off with a new baby.

But she’d have to have the baby first.

And come he did.

Around midnight Elaine went into labor. By dawn, when the sun made the snow sparkle, her son was in her arms. She was tired. She was in pain. She was crying. But she hadn’t felt this at peace in a long time. She hadn’t felt this close to Benjamin in a long time.

Their son looked just like his father.

After things had settled and she was in better shape and had bonded some with her baby, her girls were brought in. Their eyes were wide and full of wonder when she pulled the blanket back to show his face. “Meet your little brother.”

Ayla was gentle as she reached out and touched his hand. “What’s his name?”

She looked down into his sweet little face, the fuzz of brown hair on his little head. The dimples on his cheeks when his mouth twitched into a smile when she stroked down the bridge of his nose. “Ben. His name is Ben.”

“Like Daddy?” Leah said, smiling at her with warm gray eyes. Benjamin’s eyes. She wouldn’t be surprised if little Ben inherited them, too.

“Yes. Like your father.”

Ayla was quiet (more than usual) as she examined her little brother. Enough that she noticed.

“Ayla? Are you alright, sweetheart?”

She nodded, but then hesitated. “Do you think he can see us?”

Elaine didn’t have to ask who she was talking about. In her arms, Ben cooed and brought his sister’s hand to his mouth and slobbered on it.

“Ew!” She whined and pulled it back, but at the same time she was giggling.

“Yeah, I think he can.”

*

A whole year had passed. Now, Elaine had two birthdays and Christmas to worry about in December. She knew she wouldn’t always be able to get away with it, but she managed to convince Ayla to share a party with Ben, since their birthdays were so close together. She was a good sport, and it helped that she got to choose what cake they had, the color theme, and so on.

But unlike her brother, she was too old to take birthday shopping. So, it was just her and her little guy today.

As they walked out of the store, she noticed it had started snowing. In her free arm, Ben squealed and clapped his hands; he loved snow. She smiled and kissed his cheek. “You like snow, don’t you?” He giggled and continued to grab at the snowflakes. “Alright, little guy, let’s get you home. Your sister will be out of school soon.”

Just when they had about reached their car, a gruff, overweight man knocked into them. Elaine had to drop the bag she was holding to hang on to Ben and keep herself from falling. Ben found it funny while she, obviously, did not. “What a jerk,” she grumbled as she went to reach down and pick stuff up.

“Boy, I’ll say. Need a hand?”

She froze in shock and slowly looked up. ‘No, it can’t be.’ “B-Ben?”

Two pairs of bright, warm gray eyes looked right at her with identical dimpled smiles.