Bickering Love

“Oh, crap, where is it?” Frank yelled.

“Where’s what?”  

“My schedule?”

“What schedule? You don’t go anywhere,” growled his wife.

“Dammit, you know what schedule. My pill schedule.” 

“How should I know? I didn’t touch it.”

“But, it was next to your…”

“Next to my, what Frank? Next to the priceless Ming vase we own?”

“I told you, the piece of paper with my pill schedule,” Frank said harshly.

Edie replied, “Which pills are you talking about? Heart pills? Pain pills? Stupid pills?”

“Ha, ha. My heart pills, you know I take them twice a day.”

“Why should I know where you left the paper? Maybe you should carry it with you. You lose everything you set down.”

"Grrr"

“What was that?” Edie barked.

“Never mind, I have to take all my heart pills for the evening.”

She laughed, “It is only four o’clock. Why are you so worried about taking your evening pills? Are you going to bed at 5?”

“Because I think I missed the time before.”

“Which time? How do you even know?”

“I don’t know, last night, maybe,” he said.

“Geez, Frank, can’t you keep anything straight? It’s a wonder you ever remember to take any pills.”

“Well, you could help, you know?” Frank said and got further irritated.

“I have to mind my own pills. I don’t have time to watch your pills, too. I’m not your mother.”

“Well, you sure act like my mother for everything else!”

“What did you say?” Edie challenged him.

“Aw, just drop it. If you didn’t keep moving my stuff all over this damn apartment, I could find my paper and other important things.”

“What important things? Leftover potato chips in the seat cushions? Your half a can of beer from last night? What are you missing now besides your stupid paper? “

Edie changed the subject. “When are you going to clean the birdcage; it’s disgusting.”

He didn’t look at her and thought about telling her what he thought was disgusting, but mumbled, “I’ll clean it later, I have things to do.”

“Like what? Find a cure for cancer? Take the horse out for a long walk?”  

“Find my pill schedule for one. I think I’ll take a nap. Sheesh, get off my back, woman.”

“You said you’d clean the cage last night, and you didn’t. Those birds are so messy. Feathers, birdseed, and poop everywhere.” 

Edie continued nagging, “You know how they like to chew on the newspaper. Maybe they found your paper and ate it!” Edie began laughing.

“Ha, ha. Freakin’ comedienne living here in this mansion of ours.”

“Slob I’m living with and I don’t mean the birds,” she fired back.

“I’m gonna take a nap, wake me for dinner. You do have time to make dinner, don’t you?”

“What? You’re not going to clean the birdcage? Christ, Frank, you are so lazy.”

“Who woke up at nine-thirty this morning, huh? And why are all the dirty dishes on the counter? I’m lazy? I’m tired and I want to take a nap.”

“Tired of looking for your paper, I bet.”

“Haha. Maybe I’ll just start a new schedule.”

“Let me know where you put that one, so I can let the birds know,” Edie chuckled.

“You’re a big help. Give me that notepad, I’ll start over.”

Frank took the pencil and stated with confidence, “Let’s see, I take the statins and the yellow round ones in the morning. And at night, I take the uh, little white ones, the large yellow pill, and the aspirin.”

“Seriously. Frank? The yellow round ones, the little white pill, and the large yellow pill? All of your pills are white or yellow, large or small. What kind of system is that? No wonder your pharmacist thinks you’re a pain in the butt.”

“Speaking of pains in the butt, when are you going shopping for food? There is nothing worth eating here. Let me have some peace for a change and go to the store. Go anywhere.”

“I’ll go when I want to. I’ll enjoy those two hours by myself!”

“Well, maybe I changed my mind and I won’t nap right now, so there.”

“Doesn’t take much for you to change your mind these days, old man. Very little going on in your mind, that’s for sure,” Edie said sarcastically. “Nothing between the ears!”

“Yeah, well, there are some things I wouldn’t mind changing, Edith!”

“Don’t call me that name, I go by Edie. Why don’t you consider changing where you live?”

“Get over it,” Frank gleefully chided. “Could have called you a worse name, I suppose.”

“You have or did you forget that too?”

“Haha, I hope you’re remembering all of your funny lines so you can headline at the comedy club on amateur night.”

“At least it would be a fun night out. You never take me anywhere fun,” she reminded her husband of thirty years.

“Why would I do that? You just nag the whole time we’re out, anyway. I’m too cold; I’m too hot. I’m hungry. I’m tired. How much longer is the game going to last? Blah, blah blah.”

“You know I can’t stand the bowling alley and yet, somehow we always end up there with your pathetic friends. You drink too much beer, you belch, you complain about everything, you drink more beer and belch even more. How much fun is that for me?”

“Well, if you’d try to get to know the guys better, you’d like them.”

“Ha! Gene is a perv, keeps trying to look down my top. Roger is an alcoholic and his wife is hooked on pills.”

Edie continued, “And that Roy, what a catch he is for Margaret. Out of work for the last two years because he can’t find anything in middle management? What a great bunch of friends you got there, Frank!”

“Don’t even go there, Edie! There, I said your name. Look at your loser friends. Helen wears so much make-up that the circus called her; they need more clowns. Susan sleeps around; everyone knows that. Black, white, Latino, young or old–she takes ‘em all.”

“That’s not true and you know it. She has to entertain her clients when they come to town.”  

“Yeah, at the local motel for an hour.”

“Shut-up, you know nothing. You wish she’d eye you once or twice. But who’d have you? You belch and fart all the time, there is usually food in your beard and your breath smells like a camel’s you know what? It makes me sick to my stomach looking at you.”

“Look who’s talking? Would it hurt to shave your legs once a week? And for God’s sake quit wearing Spandex. That stuff ever explodes, well look out!”

“At least I can see my waist in the mirror,” she yelled at him. 

“My waist is fine. I might lose some weight if I didn’t have to eat that slop you call dinner each day.”

Edie responded quickly, “You have no idea what I make for dinner. You shovel it in so fast that I don’t even get seconds. Just so you can watch your damn television shows.”

“I’ll do what it takes to get away from sitting at the table next to you. Leave me alone now; I need to finish my pill schedule.”

Frank yelled to Edie, “ And answer the phone woman; it is probably one of your half-witted friends, anyway.”

Edie picked up the receiver near the couch and was happy that it was her friend, Mary, calling. “Hi Mary, how are you?”

“What’s that? Oh sure, I have plenty of time to talk. Besides, I need a break. The old man has been whining about everything. I think his stupid birds ate some paper of his and yet somehow he blames me.”

Mary continued, “Sorry, Edie, so did you hear that Eloise met a man while traveling on the bus to Yonkers to see her mother? Wait till I tell you about that!”

“Eloise said they really hit it off, and that he was going to visit his son in Yonkers, too. They apparently have some friends in common. His wife died two years ago. They agreed to meet one evening in town and he took her to a very nice restaurant and then to a movie?”

Edie replied, “How wonderful! She divorced about a year ago, right? Hopefully, he will treat her better than that con man she married. The best thing he ever did for her, taking off one day and never coming back.” 

Frank cleared his throat loudly, “Hey, Edie, you talking about that old bat, Eloise? Spare me the details. She is as dried up as they get.”

Covering the phone, Edie told Frank to shut-up. “Besides, Eloise deserves someone who treats her nicely. You could use some lessons.” 

She repeated that to Mary and said to her, “And I wouldn’t know about being treated like a lady.”

Frank yelled to her, “Yeah, well, ask Eloise if her new friend has a brother. Maybe you can get lucky.” Frank amused himself with that zinger.

“Don’t tempt me, old man. When was the last time you took me to dinner and a movie? And I don’t mean a hot dog at the bowling alley and the comedy show watching you try to roll a ball down the lanes when you’re drunk.”

“There you go again, thinking you’re some funny girl. I don’t get drunk; I just enjoy my beer.”

“Who’s being funny now?”

“Mary, I’m sorry, Frank is so annoying and he won’t let me have a private conversation. I wish we could move out of this one-bedroom dump and I could have a separate room for privacy.”

“What’s that, Mary? You and Sam bought a house? Where? I’m so jealous–good for you to get out of this neighborhood.”

Frank seized the moment, “Hey Edie, see if she has a spare bedroom. Wouldn’t bother me if you moved in with them!”

“Hold on again, Mary. Frank, you couldn’t last two nights by yourself. You’d starve to death. But, I suppose you could always cook those birds of yours!” Edie giggled.

“Dammit Edie, those birds are like my kids; they’re special to me.”

“Hold another second, Mary,” as she covered the mouthpiece. “Yeah, you treat those birds better than me. Thank God we never had kids Frank.”

“Ain’t my fault,” he proclaimed.

“Shut-up Frank and let me talk to Mary without you interrupting me.”

“Well, don’t tell her I said hi. I don’t care.”

“Hush, she will hear you.”

“And the problem is…”

“Mary, I’m so sorry, go on and tell me about your new house.”

“Wow! Yeah? It sounds wonderful! A separate dining room and two bathrooms? Oh, my.”

Frank ignored his wife’s request, “Yak, yak, yak–that is all you do. Try hanging up the phone for a change and cleaning the kitchen. I want to watch a good war movie. Let me see..”

Edie had turned back to her husband and suddenly, she heard Frank yell out, followed by a loud crash and glass breaking. She quickly turned to see him sprawled across the busted coffee table, bleeding profusely.

“Oh my god Mary, Frank fell off the stool into the glass coffee table. His head is bleeding so much. I think it hurt him badly. Call 911 for me now, please! I got to go. Oh my god, oh my god.”

With considerable pain, Frank whispered to his wife, “Edie, my head, my head–it really hurts. Help me, Edie. Oh, God, it hurts.”

She grabbed a nearby towel and shouted, “Frank, lie still, hold this tight to your head. Oh god, Frank, it is bad. Hold still, please. I have to get more towels.”

“It hurts, Edie, help me, please.”

“You will be OK, I’m hurrying as fast as I can, my dear Frank.”

There was a loud knock on the door. “Come in and hurry please, the door is open. Please, my husband is bleeding badly. Oh, I..”

“OK, ma’am, please move over there, we’ll take it from here.”

“Stop the bleeding, please. I was talking on the phone and had my back to him. He must have fallen off the stool and landed on the table. Oh god, it is so bad. Don’t let him die, please. He can’t die, he just can’t.”

“Ma’am, stay back, please, give us some room, we’ll take care of him.” 

It was hard to hear Frank as he was mumbling and ready to pass out. “Edie, stay close to me, please. Don’t leave my side. Edie, I love you and I need you. I didn’t mean…”

“No, Frank, I am the one who is sorry and said such mean things,” Edie sobbed.

“Greg, bring the stretcher over here, now. Ma’am, we’re doing all we can, but he needs to go to the hospital. Can you come with us?”

“Of course. I have to find my purse. I’m coming, Frank. I love you, Frank, don’t leave me, Frank. You will be fine; I just know you will.”

“Let’s go quickly, please. Take care of my husband,” she pleaded with the paramedic.

“Edie, oh Edie.”